Author Archives: waylandsmithy

by | February 21, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Portable ‘midget magistrates’ to deliver on-the-spot justice?

midgetstrate

The Law is Just Above an Arse.

The Police Association has reacted angrily to plans to house magistrates in police stations, claiming they wouldn’t be ‘on-the-spot enough’.

Instead, they want to see officers carrying tiny judges with them, either in back packs or a proper legal case.

The Truncheon Foundation, a forward-leaning police think-tank, is some of the brain behind the suggestion. It believes that by only employing magistrates considerably under 5-foot tall, police officers wouldn’t struggle to carry the judicial system.

“By adopting the ‘midgetstrate’, Britain’s police would be more efficient”, said PC Flegg. “Think of it as a cross between RoboCop, Judge Dredd and Jeremy Kyle.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Villagers protest as Tony Blair opens traditional warmongers

warmongers

Blair’s warmongery stocks a range of traditional tin blood baths.

Tony Blair has moved to Harold and opened a traditional little warmongers, with organic biological weapons and free-range dossiers a speciality.

But locals are worried that the business could affect house prices, particularly if a bomb should go off.

‘Deng of Iniquity: Warmongery to the discerning despot’ has taken over the premises of Harold’s cancer research shop. It’s also been knocked through to the neighbouring chippy, after Blair heard that ‘The Stephen Fryer’ held large stocks of oil.

Some residents have been more welcoming to Blair than others; Cllr Ron Ronnson was one of the first to greet him. “Lovely to meet you, did you bring any money?”, Blair joked. “I won’t shake hands if you don’t mind. I’ve got blood on them.”
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by | February 20, 2014 · 11:00 am

Do you like cheese? Take our test!

cheese dilemma

Don’t leave it to chance!

Do you like cheese?

Are you a cheeseophile or a cheeseophobe? Or are you one of a number of people who are cheese-indifferent? Take our quiz and find out!
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by | February 19, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Man not stabbed, run over or struck by lightning ‘lucky’ say police

luckyguy

Cassidy also somehow managed to avoid spontaneous human combustion.

A local man who has avoided any life-threatening misfortune has been described as ‘lucky’ during a police press conference.

23 year-old Adam Cassidy spends much of his time indoors looking at a computer, which PC Flegg thinks may have contributed to his ‘amazing survival’.

“His human spirit is indomitable, nothing that the fates throw at him seem to faze him at all”, said Flegg. “Although to be fair, they haven’t really thrown all that much.”

So far this year, the plucky youngster has avoided dying from a peanut allergy, having his legs broken by swans and having his face eaten by a highly localised outbreak of the Ebola virus.
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by | February 17, 2014 · 2:30 pm

‘Stop comparing everything to Syria you bell-end’ say acquaintances of local bell-end

sad faceA local reaction-seeker has been urged to stop mentioning Syria in ripostes to every single problem villagers bring up in conversation.

From subsidence to flooding, from car breakdowns to dogs with impacted anal glands, every grumble is directly compared by Allan Hostage to the situation in Homs.

“Thanks to the storms, my house has flooded for the first time in 60 years”, said pensioner Elsie Duggan. “At my age, it’s a difficult thing to go through.”

“But when I mentioned it in Sally’Z Cut’z while she was topping up my blue rinse, Hostage appeared from nowhere and said ‘it was nothing compared with the plight of the Syrian people’.”
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by | February 16, 2014 · 1:00 pm

Qatar insists migrant worker death toll ‘still on target for World Cup 2022’

desert football

FIFA’s Sepp Blatter described international press as ‘vultures’.

The Emir of Qatar has reassured FIFA that he is ‘confident’ of killing at least 4,000 migrant workers before the 2022 World Cup opening ceremony.

Using a combination of squalid conditions, oppressive brutality and safety gear made out of paper, the emirate has so far managed to see off around 400 Nepalese slaves.

“It’s a start”, said Emir Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani. “We’re on track, but I think we could do more.”
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by | February 14, 2014 · 7:00 am

High hopes for Olympic gold in road gritting

glitterBritain could boost its Olympic medal tally today, after breaking the track record in the Pointless Road Gritting Relay qualifiers.

With the UK team deploying grit to tackle everything from high winds, fallen trees and silted-up rivers that used to be motorways, few countries look like they have enough in the tank to really threaten for gold.

“When the chips are down and the elements throw everything they have at us, only the British show this level of resolve”, said head coach Nigel Withers. “No matter what the temperature or road conditions we only know one thing and that thing is this: driving slowly in a lorry with all the yellow lights on and spraying everything with small rocks until we’ve won.”

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by | February 12, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Meet the new Heiry Cornflake: Radio 1’s Nick Grimshaw replaced by Prince Charles

Prince Charles passed the Duchy on the left-hand side.

Radio 1 experienced a surprise boost to its audience figures yesterday during a live audition by Prince Charles and Camilla.

Listeners in the key 15 to 29 year-old demographic turned on in their droves to listen to someone marginally less celebrity-obsessed than Grimshaw.

Initially the broadcast was delayed for a few minutes, but eventually a technician found a set of headphones that could be forced over the Prince’s ears.
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by | February 11, 2014 · 11:00 am

Owner of zoo for inbred animals accused of nepotism

bigshoeidiot

Rhino horn?Attempts to widen gene pool have been unsuccessful.

A zoo for inbred animals has been criticised by an audit, which found most of the staff shared the same surname.

Harold’s Incestuous Petting Zoo is a favourite tourist attraction in Bedfordshire, although most visitors learn less about genetics than they do about mocking the afflicted.

Amongst the attractions is a sealion with a hare lip, a hare with a sealion lip, a family of monobrowed otters, a very slow loris and an elephant with a big shoe.
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by | February 7, 2014 · 9:30 am

Bible Society ‘largely ignorant’ of Harry Potter stories

Potter

Some Christians ‘entirely ignorant’ of what’s in his wand.

Children and parents have warned of ‘widespread ignorance’ of Potter lore amongst the members of the Bible Society.

A small number of the organization have never heard of Dumbledore, let alone Hagrid, Hermione or Viktor Krum.

The study revealed a generation of middle-aged adults with little knowledge of the most important Harry Potter stories. A high proportion of these people were observed to wear cardigans.

“Harry Potter has a huge influence on modern society”, claimed muggle Melanie Hostage. “It’s as relevant today as it was 16 years ago. It provides us with some guidelines on how we should treat other people, if we’re too stupid to work it out for ourselves without the help of a barely believable story.”
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by | February 4, 2014 · 11:00 am

Castaway pays tribute to ‘tender and sweet’ crew mate

castaway

Castaway looked sheepish when asked if he would toast his rescuer.

A castaway who survived a 6,000 mile journey adrift in the Pacific has paid tribute to his ‘brave and filling’ crew mate.

Jose Albarengo left Mexico in December 2012, only to wash ashore last month in the Marshall Islands.

But survival experts were amazed to discover that he gained three stone during his ordeal, and confused that his dinghy smelled quite so strongly of pork.

“I had little to sustain me, just the odd seagull and some dead fish”, revealed Albarengo. “Thank goodness Jose had the sense to pack a gas barbecue in his duffel bag.”
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by | February 3, 2014 · 11:00 am

How did 4 million housewives boil an egg in WW1?

eggysoldier

An eggy soldier digs in and awaits the big push.

With this being the centenary year of the First World War™, we ask Harold’s oldest living conscientious objector about life in the second best conflict in history.

“Kids these days take a boiled egg for granted I suppose”, suggests George Butler, 119. “But back then, the warmed chicken foetus had only just been discovered, by a chap in Berlin who ate something that fell out of a hen and landed in a kettle.

“They weren’t called eggs straight away, no no no. Until 1915 they were known as ‘kaiser orbs’ or ‘hun balls’ if you were common. Anti-German feeling was so strong that omlettes were eventually considered an act of treason.

“That’s why in Harold, we had the famous ‘chicken trials’ of 1914. All the kids cheered when a bantam broiler was found guilty of Germanism and tied to the church and shot. You could still see the bullet holes in the old vicar right up until his death in 1986.”
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by | January 31, 2014 · 11:00 am

Nick Clegg calls for Amanda Knox to apologise

knox

Clegg warned Knox that she could face the naughty step.

Amanda Knox was convicted by Italian courts of murdering Meredith Kercher for a second time, but is expected to appeal. Nick Clegg thinks that while Knox’s innocence or guilt is still in the balance, it would be better for everyone if she said sorry and avoided holidaying in Rome.

“The trouble with the law is that one person says one thing and then another says something else”, explained Clegg. “And before long, it gets really confusing and someone has to explain it to me.”

“But as I say to my kids when I hear them arguing upstairs: just say sorry, and then we can all forget about it.”

Amanda Knox had her initial conviction for murder overturned in 2011, but this overturn was overturned in March 2013. “See what I mean? You can waste hours trying to reach some form of justice. Come on luv, just look sad and move on.”
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by | January 30, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Justin Bieber album charged with assaulting driver

shite

Public are advised to avoid the album at all costs.

An album by Justin Bieber is facing prosecution after inflicting itself on an innocent driver.

The disparate collection of mp3 tracks, known collectively as ‘Believe’, caused the driver to deliberately drive into a wall.

“I was heading down the A34 minding my own business, doing the ‘steering wheel drums’ to a track by Bruce Springsteen”, said the victim, Derek Handley.

“Suddenly there was a terrible pain in my ears and my vision was clouded by a red mist. I’d been set upon by a youth, probably Bieber or One Direction”, said Handley.

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by | January 29, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Protesters call for ban on Chinese GM ‘super cows’

GM cows

Large, or really close? – GM Super Cows are ‘upsettingly big’ claim protesters

Huge, genetically modified cows that were created using rat genes have brought howls of protests at a local farm.

Standing at over three metres tall and weighing as much as five tonnes, each cow can produce around 180 litres of milk a day.

The mega cattle were initially conceived to get round EC milk quotas, which are based on the number of heads in a herd. But despite quotas being phased out the moo-sive cows are gaining popularity, this time as a simple show of farming might.

The cows were produced by China’s burgeoning biotech sector, combining genes from a regular Holstein-Friesian cow and a rat. “Rats have an amazing property: they never stop growing”, explained head of research at Deng Bio, Dr Wei Tsao. “By combining this trait with the highly productive Holstein, we have created an enormous cow with lucrative udders.”

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by | January 28, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Local simpleton claims flooding ’caused by rain’

rain

Idiot also blamed avalanches on snow.

An idiot has been ridiculed by politicians from all parties for suggesting a link between rainfall and flooding.

Notorious mouth-breather Jeremy Hostage made the howler at an emergency council meeting, set up to discuss how to combine flood defences with witch hunts.

“Eddie of the Pagan Party had just claimed that the badger cull was to blame”, said Cllr Ron Ronnson. “He produced some pretty convincing data that this had angered Agrona, the goddess of slaughter. According to Eddie she’s ‘besties’ with Addanc the Primordial Giant, so he surfed here from his home on the Lake of Waves and punished us with floods and damp sofas.”

Nigel Forage of the Bigot Party condemned Eddie as a heathen, and explained that a lesbian wedding was more likely to blame. Ron Ronnson dismissed this theory as ‘nonsense’ but didn’t completely rule out snogging Forage, to see if either of them got wet.
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by | · 7:00 am

Village struck by outbreak of ‘disco boobs’

disco boobs

Symptoms include rhythmic nipples, night sweats and mild Travolting.

The village of Harold is in the grip of a serious health crisis, with ‘disco boobs’ now infecting 35% of residents.

The outbreak has been traced to a single host: an infected out-of-town DJ at 40th birthday party in the Squirrel Lickers Arms.

“The function room was packed with heaving, sweating bodies”, said local GP Doctor Evans. “That’s the perfect breeding ground for diseases like Disco Boobs. I spotted the first symptoms when Eddie’s chest glazed over and started pulsing to the rhythm, but I was too late to stop it spreading by conga.”
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by | January 24, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Margaret Hodge urged to ‘go easy’ on immoral, corporate monsters

hodge

Moments later, Hodge wrestled a CEO to the floor and ate their face.

Margaret Hodge has been accused of discouraging investment in the UK by the sort of greedy, psycopathic companies that would otherwise be drawn to our unique taxation loop holes.

An anonymous source has claimed that Hodge’s obsession with legality and fairness is completely at odds with the ambitions of many of the globe’s most successful rampaging monsters.

“There’s an unspoken rule about how we deal with ruthless monopolies looking to relocate here”, said a spokesman from the treasury. “If they don’t say out loud how much they’re making, then we don’t have to tax them. Hodge is being very unfair when she points out that this is catastrophically unjust. She risks them moving abroad, and not paying any tax there either.”
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by | January 23, 2014 · 11:00 am

Julie Hesmondhalgh ‘faked cancer to claim TV award’

hayley

Smirking ‘Hayley’ showed ‘no remorse’

A woman on a downtrodden street in the north pretended to have cancer in order to claim a television award.

Julie Hesmondhalgh, also known by her alias ‘Hayley’, told neighbours and family that she was terminally ill. But after collecting millions of viewing figures and tweets of support, it later emerged that the woman was making it up.

“I really felt for Hayley, or should I say ‘Julie’, it was heart-breaking watching her go down hill so fast and then topping herself off”, said hoax victim Elsie Duggan.

“I’m in a retirement home so that sort of thing happens a lot. But her being in the public eye just seemed to make it all the more real.”

Television authorities have been tracking the fraudster using cameras and a massive award ceremony.

“Despite having cancer and being dead she walked unaided to the stage. She was pretty sprightly for the recently deceased”, revealed Duggan. “And to cap it all she showed no remorse whatsoever. In fact, she looked really pleased with herself.”
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by | January 21, 2014 · 2:22 pm

Blair critical after ‘citizen’s hard stop’, ‘citizen’s arrest’ and ‘citizen’s shooting in self defence’

blair

Medics eventually arrived to rub salt into his wounds.

Tony Blair is said to be in a critical condition after a member of the public carried out a routine citizen’s Stop and Search on the former PM.

‘have-a-go-hero’ Melanie Jones spotted Blair driving around in broad daylight, and instinctively knew she should bring him in.

“It was so brazen, this known criminal was just cruising around without so much as a by your leave”, said Jones. “So I slammed my car into the side of his before shooting him in citizen’s self defence.”

Police eventually arrived on the scene after consulting their lawyers and carrying out a risk assessment. Later they decided that they ought to email for an ambulance, as soon as they’d finished searching the scene for incriminating evidence.

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