Local simpleton claims flooding ’caused by rain’


Idiot also blamed avalanches on snow.

An idiot has been ridiculed by politicians from all parties for suggesting a link between rainfall and flooding.

Notorious mouth-breather Jeremy Hostage made the howler at an emergency council meeting, set up to discuss how to combine flood defences with witch hunts.

“Eddie of the Pagan Party had just claimed that the badger cull was to blame”, said Cllr Ron Ronnson. “He produced some pretty convincing data that this had angered Agrona, the goddess of slaughter. According to Eddie she’s ‘besties’ with Addanc the Primordial Giant, so he surfed here from his home on the Lake of Waves and punished us with floods and damp sofas.”

Nigel Forage of the Bigot Party condemned Eddie as a heathen, and explained that a lesbian wedding was more likely to blame. Ron Ronnson dismissed this theory as ‘nonsense’ but didn’t completely rule out snogging Forage, to see if either of them got wet.

Farmer Dave Evans pointed out that a lazy river was at fault, and blamed immigrant tributaries that had come over from Dunstable. “They don’t pull their weight, no wonder the water’s still here”, claimed Evans. “That River Ooze is less useful than a workshy Oxbow Lake.”

But all of these dissenters were united as one, once Mr Hostage had stood up and put both his feet in it. His claims that ‘water has come from the sky’ was quickly drowned out, perhaps because of a homosexual urge or a vengeful wind deity called Ambisagrus.

“Rainfall? Is he mad? It’s never the weather”, sneered Ronnson. “Calamitous events like this don’t just happen for no reason. It’s either the gays, wind farms, badgers or hippies. That idiot will be telling us next that it’s all down to global warming.”

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