January: still no end in sight.

As 2020 sees the longest January since records began, calendar scientists are calling for a moratorium.

“Time seems to have come to a complete standstill,” said long-retired local horologist Mike Winterbourne, watching the Indoor Bowling. “It seems a very long time ago now, but I was a fit, young working man when I put the Christmas Tree away.”

Politically, the electorate are beginning to feel there is some sort of sleight of hand going on.

“We’ve been hoodwinked,” said Harold Brexiteer, Gavin Williams. “Boris said he’d get it done by the end of the month, but he never told us January would last longer than the whole of the previous four years added together.”

“Mon Dieu, are they still here?” said Michel Barnier, returning from his gap year.

“The Transition Period was only meant to last a year, but at this rate, we’ll be lucky to see the back of them before the sun goes supanova and homo sapiens is extinct.”

As families struggle to eke out their wages and Elon Musk’s pet snail completes its first circumnavigation of Mars on foot, Winterbourne had further bad news.

“Don’t forget, when January does eventually end, they’ll be adding an extra ‘day’ to February, too.”

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