As 2020 sees the longest January since records began, calendar scientists are calling for a moratorium.
“Time seems to have come to a complete standstill,” said long-retired local horologist Mike Winterbourne, watching the Indoor Bowling. “It seems a very long time ago now, but I was a fit, young working man when I put the Christmas Tree away.”
Politically, the electorate are beginning to feel there is some sort of sleight of hand going on.
“We’ve been hoodwinked,” said Harold Brexiteer, Gavin Williams. “Boris said he’d get it done by the end of the month, but he never told us January would last longer than the whole of the previous four years added together.”
He has no time for Moaning Minnies But insists his salary be measured in Guineas
A is for ‘acquaintance’, one does not have ‘mates’; B is for ‘ballroom’, such an elegant place; C is for ‘corset’, which should be worn tight; D is for ‘duke’, much better than ‘knight’; E is for ‘engagement’, a contract before marriage; F is for ‘fargon’, a most useful carriage; G is for ‘God’, in whom we all trust; H is for ‘help’, a good nanny’s a must; I is for ‘inferior’, which poor people are; J is for ‘job’, like ‘tosher’ or ‘char’; K is for ‘knife’, please set to the right; L is for ‘love’, an upsetting sight; M is for ‘mourning’, you need the right clothes; N is for ‘nosegay’, oft given by beaus; O is for ‘opium’, an efficacious tonic; P is for ‘poverty’, an illness most chronic; Q is for ‘quarry’, a fox, pheasant or deer; R is for ‘rule’, which men do, that is clear; S is for ‘season’, when girls look for a suitor; T is for ‘templum’ (this is latin neuter); U is for ‘unmentionables’, mostly lady parts; V is for ‘Victorian’, the noblest of hearts; W is for ‘wife’, a woman’s greatest aim; X is for ‘xenophobia’, in which there’s no shame; Y is for ‘yard’, an imperial measurement; Z is for ‘Zulu’, a dark foe most unpleasant.
Jacob Rees-Mogg has admitted to taking an opium derivative in his younger days, joining every other Tory leadership contender in confessing to drug use.
In an interview with The Strand magazine, which ceased publication in March 1950, Mogg (Rees) claimed that his habit was entirely due to the influence of a family domestic servant, who introduced him to tincture of laudanum in a final attempt to get him to shut up.
“I was just a skinny lad, never knew no good from bad,” he told Strand journalists. “But I knew Arkwright’s Patent Syrup of Opium before I left my nursery.”
“Left alone with big fat Fanny, she was such a naughty nanny, to be honest I think she only tried drugging me after strangulation didn’t work.”
The admission comes as Theresa May enjoys her final days in Downing Street, with a number of the prime minister’s Conservative colleagues vying to replace her.
Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme on Saturday, Mogg-Jason’s leadership rival Dominic Raab said he did not believe the admission would have an impact on Mogg-Rees-Jason’s chances in the leadership race. He said: “I certainly don’t see it barring him from this race in any way. I rather admire his honesty.”
Raab, who has previously admitted taking cannabis as a student, added: “It was a long time ago and pretty few and far between. I have never taken cocaine or any class-A drugs.”
“Mind, you, I am a total cunt – that might stand against me a bit.”
Home secretary Sajid Javid, has been congratulated for convincing ‘at least five’ people to vote Conservative after his decision to revoke the British citizenship of Shamima Begum, whose baby son has died in a Syrian refugee camp.
“Shamima’s baby, who was British, was allowed to die purely to satisfy the animal rage of people who wanted to glory in saying ‘I told you so’ to a girl who was groomed at age 15′, explained a Home Office spokesperson, “And we think that’s great.”
Clear-thinking commentators from a range of newspapers owned by foreign billionaires were unanimous that Javid’s neglect of a British baby was a master-stroke.
“The thing you have to remember,” drawled Reginald Bastard from the Daily Monster, “is that month-old babies tend not to vote, and the same thing can probably be said for 15-year-old groomed schoolgirls.”
“Our readers, on the other hand, are voters one and all, and getting them onside with a touch of sickening populism is a pretty smart move.”
“We reckon they’ve probably won a good half a dozen voters here, which is probably more than they’ve got in the last two years.”
Javid’s next move was unclear at time of going to press, but unconfirmed reports claimed he has been sighted high up at the crater of an active volcano, poised to throw a refugee child into the bubbling lava below and screaming at all the Gods to bring improved poll results to his Bromsgrove constituency.
A man who threw egg, milk and flour at the Leader of the Opposition has been charged with battering, because eggs, milk and flour make batter, it emerged today.
Look – we’re not proud. It’s pancake day, someone just recently threw an egg at Jeremy Corbyn, and we couldn’t resist it.
Let’s just move on and pretend this never happened, OK? Good. Thanks.
Is it still this one?
The Lib Dem party have confirmed that they are yet to receive an invitation to join the new “Independent Group” of MPs, but are not concerned as these kind of things often get lost in the post.
Many commentators have noticed that the mission of the newly-formed Independent Group is to be a centrist anti-Brexit party – a mission not entirely un-identical to that of the Liberal Democrats themselves.
“It’s only a matter of time,” insisted the Lib Dem leader, whose name we are quite frankly too lazy to Google. “They’re probably shy, being a new party and all, with us being so historic and respected.”
“There’s no question that they are deliberately excluding us from the most significant political movement in years, which happens to be exactly what we stand for too, just in case anyone has forgotten.”
“Or it’s just in the post. Yes, that’s what it’ll be. Has the postman been yet? Oh.”
A beautiful antique table at the centre of a parliamentary row remained unpolished today after a Downing Street cleaner found a huge No Deal tome had been super-glued to it.
“No wonder she can’t take it off the table,” said domestic Rosa dela Marguerita, “I’ve tried everything, nothing will shift it.”
The No Deal is a far heftier work than The Deal, running to over 4000 blank pages.
“It’s lucky Jeremy didn’t fall for her invitation to talks,” said Diane Abbott.
“It’s obvious now she had this prank set up ready to tell him: Okay, there’s the No Deal, now let’s see you take it off the table. Then she’d do that laughing with her shoulders thing.”
A group of Oxford philosophers were relieved to learn that No Deal was an actual thing.
“We’ve been puzzling for ages over how something that was not a thing got put on the table in the first place. We made the mistake of thinking it was like No Cruet Set.”
A new poll has revealed that most people would back HM Queen to have the final say on Brexit.
“It seems obvious that when we’re talking Sovereignty, the Monarch should be the final arbiter,” said landlord Eddie on behalf of Harold’s informal polling group IMHO.
The group meets regularly to discuss global issues while drinking alcohol. At last night’s meeting in the Squirrel Lickers Arms, chaired by landlord Eddie Grudgingly, IMHO voted overwhelmingly to back a motion in support of a Royal Prerogative on Brexit.
“After all, there’s a fair bit of German in her blood and the Duke’s quite Greek,” said Eddie, “so they have a better understanding of Europe than far-right loudmouths in parts of Lincolnshire and the Tory Party.”
It was decided that a People’s Vote would be a waste of time, because everyone’s changed their minds, so the result would be the same as last time.
The group also supported a motion of praise for Prince Philip’s ability to survive an actual car crash much better than the Prime Minister fared in her metaphorical one.
“And the Duke,” said Eddie, winding up the debate, “is now single-handedly saving hundreds of jobs at Jaguar Land Rover with his recent order for a weekly fleet of new cars. He’s doing more for the British motor industry than Greg Clark and that’s a fact.”
As the meeting adjourned, members of the political focus group thanked Eddie for another well-organised piss-up in his pub, which everyone agreed was a rare talent these days.
Ruddy-faced abyss too drunk on its own sense of entitlement to gaze into thee, David Cameron, now believes he’s a shepherd having spent £50,000 on two shepherd’s huts in which to sit and write his memoirs, the least desired book in Britain since Katie Hopkins’ guide to aquatic fun, esoteric Islam and refugees Surfy, Sufi, Swarmy.Continue reading →
“Hmmm. Do you know? I think I’ve handled it rather well”
Jeremy Corbyn has used the Westminster summer break to assess how he’s handled allegations of Labour party antisemitism. “I asked Shami, who said ‘You’ve done very well, Jeremy’. She’s studied the subject so, good enough for me.”
“We’re not complacent, even though it took five years to deal with Ken Livingstone but only five hours to put the skids under Margaret Hodge. So we’re making progress. Did I say ‘making progress’? I meant Continue reading →
With a YouGov poll showing Boris Johnson as favourite to lead the Tories, people who can count to 20 without using their fingers and toes have concluded the UK couldn’t pass the 11+.
“I love Boris” said a shopper in Dunstable “he tells it how it is. OK, not ‘how it is’, maybe how it should be. If the moon was made of cheese and you could ride there on a unicorn. Which is definitely what Boris would do if he was PM. Maybe he could be the next monarch, he’d make a great King. As a chubby adulterer, Continue reading →
As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.
“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”
Hmm… Frying pan or Fire? They both seem so attractive
Theresa May’s Cabinet remains divided over which plan it will put forward to be rejected by the EU’s negotiating team, five minutes after they receive it.
David Davis, who still needs help with his shoe laces, is in favour of the Frying Pan option, arguing this will allow the country more time to arrange a smooth transition to the Fire, sometime after Brexit Day, 29th March 2019.
In contrast, Liam Fox, whose only business experience is negotiating cheap hotel deals for his best friend, is said to favour going straight into the Fire. “Then we can sell the Frying Pan on eBay to finance the NHS. I’ve never mentioned it before but I used to be a doctor Continue reading →
The tiresome wanker is expected to ruffle his hair when challenged
Although Boris Johnson will miss today’s Commons third Heathrow runway vote, hoping to swerve his promise to lie in front of the bulldozers, the UK has told him as the work won’t start yet he can do the right thing when he gets home.
An online petition for him to do so was signed by over 250,000 people within three hours of being launched. “I’ll give him a lift to Heathrow day or night, I’ve even got a groundsheet for him to lie on.” said Carly Jeffrey, a teaching assistant from Harold who started the petition. “Though lying is something he’s rather good at, anytime, anywhere. Of course he’ll have to sit in the back.” she added “Not behind me. Continue reading →
Happier times. Rudd actually holding on to her brief
Amber Rudd has resigned to focus on apologising for her performance as Home Secretary.
“Being Home Secretary and apologising for being useless at it are both full time roles.” said Rudd last night “I chose the apologising one, although to be honest I’m not very good at that, either. Sorry.”
Mobile catastrophe Amber Rudd says the reason her ministry is such a mess is that she hasn’t got a clue how it works. “Hope that helps.” she told the House of Commons this morning.
Ms Rudd was addressing the House in order to correct an impression she may have inadvertently given a select committee yesterday i.e. that she’s on top of her ministerial brief.
“After watching TV coverage of my evidence to the committee last night, I had a bit of a panic Continue reading →
Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.
“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.” Continue reading →
I’m a liar. I know it, you know it, you know that I know it. Fuck only knows how I get away with it, it’s a mystery.
Serial bungler Jeremy Hunt is finally being called to account by parliament. For his form-filling skills though, oddly enough.
Not for crashing the NHS into a wall, then backing up a hundred yards and having another go, then backing up a hundred yards and – well you probably get the picture.
“Compared to the ongoing NHS car-crash, even his marmalade work was brilliant. And that was a fucking disaster.” said a philosophical Harold woman, unlucky enough to have fallen seriously ill in March, who is still in the waiting room at Dunstable Royal Infirmary.
“I’ve bought a raffle ticket for a trolley berth and hope to get a corridor spot by the summer. Fingers crossed!”
“It’s good to know that Mr Hunt’s form-filling is coming under scrutiny though. It’s important that politicians know they can’t get away with being incompetent liars.”
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