Tag Archives: Sajid Javid

Sajid Javid won ‘at least five votes’ from letting Shamima Begum’s baby die

Home secretary Sajid Javid, has been congratulated for convincing ‘at least five’ people to vote Conservative after his decision to revoke the British citizenship of Shamima Begum, whose baby son has died in a Syrian refugee camp.

“Shamima’s baby, who was British, was allowed to die purely to satisfy the animal rage of people who wanted to glory in saying ‘I told you so’ to a girl who was groomed at age 15′, explained a Home Office spokesperson, “And we think that’s great.”

Clear-thinking commentators from a range of newspapers owned by foreign billionaires were unanimous that Javid’s neglect of a British baby was a master-stroke.

“The thing you have to remember,” drawled Reginald Bastard from the Daily Monster, “is that month-old babies tend not to vote, and the same thing can probably be said for 15-year-old groomed schoolgirls.”

“Our readers, on the other hand, are voters one and all, and getting them onside with a touch of sickening populism is a pretty smart move.”

“We reckon they’ve probably won a good half a dozen voters here, which is probably more than they’ve got in the last two years.”

Javid’s next move was unclear at time of going to press, but unconfirmed reports claimed he has been sighted high up at the crater of an active volcano, poised to throw a refugee child into the bubbling lava below and screaming at all the Gods to bring improved poll results to his Bromsgrove constituency.

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“Start practising ballet” government tells Port Talbot steel workers


Without Mrs Thatcher this young miner would never have manifested his destiny

The government has this morning issued guidance to the people of Port Talbot who are facing the loss of 15,000 jobs due to the British steel industry being swapped about the globe then discarded like a crap pog in a nineties playground: get dancing.

“We’ve all seen that wonderful documentary Billy Elliot,” said a Number 10 insider. “A gritty insight into ‘the north’ and one which shows how people can improve their lot through ballet.” Continue reading

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Sajid Javid admits the Northern Powerhouse is all bobbins


In the middle of the night he worries: ‘What if there is a god?’

As yet more steelworkers’ jobs are about to be axed, Business Secretary Sajid Javid has confirmed that the Northern Powerhouse is ‘just pretend’.

“All right, all right… Look, we came up with the expression one evening, after a very fine dinner. It was only ever meant as a joke, but Continue reading

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