Category Archives: War
Sajid Javid won ‘at least five votes’ from letting Shamima Begum’s baby die
“Shamima’s baby, who was British, was allowed to die purely to satisfy the animal rage of people who wanted to glory in saying ‘I told you so’ to a girl who was groomed at age 15′, explained a Home Office spokesperson, “And we think that’s great.”
Clear-thinking commentators from a range of newspapers owned by foreign billionaires were unanimous that Javid’s neglect of a British baby was a master-stroke.
“The thing you have to remember,” drawled Reginald Bastard from the Daily Monster, “is that month-old babies tend not to vote, and the same thing can probably be said for 15-year-old groomed schoolgirls.”
“Our readers, on the other hand, are voters one and all, and getting them onside with a touch of sickening populism is a pretty smart move.”
“We reckon they’ve probably won a good half a dozen voters here, which is probably more than they’ve got in the last two years.”
Javid’s next move was unclear at time of going to press, but unconfirmed reports claimed he has been sighted high up at the crater of an active volcano, poised to throw a refugee child into the bubbling lava below and screaming at all the Gods to bring improved poll results to his Bromsgrove constituency.
Light rain plays havoc with my bone spur, insists Trump
President Trump has revealed that he was unable to appear at the commemoration in France for US soldiers killed during World War I because the forecast light drizzle would have caused serious complications with his bone spurs.
The bone spur, which tragically prevented the President from serving in Vietnam, is a serious medical condition affecting an unfortunate minority of Americans who can afford to pay for it.
In this case, highly-paid doctors believe that the possibility of scattered rain coming into proximity with the spur would have almost certainly caused instant death, and therefore the President was quite right not to attend, and it’s certainly NOTHING to do with the embarrassing thing which happens to his wig when it gets wet.
France’s president, Emmanuel Macron, and Germany’s chancellor, Angela Merkel, clasped hands at a solemn ceremony at Compiègne as they marked the centenary of the armistice signing.
It was the first time since the war that leaders from the two countries had met at the site where the ceasefire agreement with Germany was signed.
Mr Trump is believed to have commemorated the event by sitting alone in his hotel room eating pizza.
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Filed under Donald Trump, News, War
Boris Johnson to be swapped for Russian doll in tit-for-tat exchange
With tensions rising between Westminster and the Kremlin, the UK government is planning to send the Foreign Secretary to Russia.
Kremlin officials say they will respond robustly and send a Russian doll to sit on Mrs May’s desk.
Amid fears that the hollow wooden character might arrive full of toxic shite, security has been tightened at Moscow airport. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Politics, War
England’s new strip ‘not exactly ideal’ says Southgate
Gareth Southgate has written to FIFA complaining that his squad’s 2018 World Cup strip may hinder them on the counter-attack.
The new kit, designed by the FA and built by chemical warfare clothing company Nuke, may test the team’s mobility on the pitch, he said.
“Defensively, there’s no real problem,” said Southgate, “apart from Joe Hart’s backside constantly triggering the goal-line technology. Come to think of it, he does that anyway.” Continue reading
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Filed under Defence, International News, Sport, Technology, War, World Cup
Nuclear control ‘far safer with coke-snorters than Donald Trump’
A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.
“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
Nuclear war narrowly averted as Trump loses The Codes
The White House was in meltdown today following President Trump’s tweet “OMG I lost the codes!” only hours before he was due to declare all-out nuclear war on N Korea.
“These things happen,” he tweeted.
Working on the theory the codes may have been stolen by a pickpocket working for the enemy, all of Trump’s fingers were pointing at a single suspect. Continue reading
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Filed under bombs, Defence, environment, Lost and Found, Space, Trump, War
Spain is ‘quite OK’ with hints of military action over Gibraltar, says Howard
Former Tory leader, Lord Howard has made the world just a little darker (again), by referencing the Falklands war when discussing Gibraltar, but he’s certain the Spanish won’t be offended at all.
“No, it’s fine, trust me. It won’t mean anything to Spain, as they’ve no links to Argentina.” said Howard “Apart from a shared heritage and culture. Oh, and the language, Spanish is it?”
“Most Spaniards won’t have even heard of the Falklands,” Continue reading
Blair to take political centre-ground: will probably bomb it
Embodiment of Teflon in human/lizard combo form, Tony Blair, will launch an attack on common decency next year, gurning his way into TV studios, onto TV sofas and thence onto our TV screens. Into our homes, as if the world wasn’t bad enough.
The well-known war criminal and former PM has assembled a formidable team of popular, cross-party politicians, including Murphy, Osborne, Clegg, and some bloke you won’t have heard of, who used to be a special adviser to Mandelson.
We’re not making this shit up, Continue reading
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Filed under News, Politics, Tony Blair, War
Russia credits “clear air superiority over hospitals” for recent victories
Sergey Lavrov says Russia now has the upper hand in its fight against international aid workers in Aleppo.
“Frankly, Médecins Sans Frontières just didn’t turn up for the last one – it’s as if they know their un-sterilised scalpels are no match for our Su-34 strike aircraft.”
They’re ‘big men’ in their fancy operating theatres but not so high and mighty when 327 Squadron with Hospital-Buster ordnance turns that cosy scene into a theatre of war. Hah, pussies!” Continue reading
Tony Blair to close commercial enterprises to focus on war crimes
Tony Blair has reacted to criticism of his shady deals with repressive dictators and huge banks by announcing that he will close all his commercial activities and focus on the simple things he is best at – massacring hundreds of thousands of innocent people in illegal wars.
“People have asked why I, being a former leader of this country, should sell my knowledge of our secrets to a foreign power, when no other former prime minister has ever done this,” explained Blair today to journalists while leaning casually on a huge pile of money.
“And I say to these people – ‘are you from Iraq? Because if you are, I’m going to slaughter you.'”
“That usually shuts them up. I’m a pretty straight guy, you know.”
“Death, death, death, death, blood, death – that’s pretty much the agenda. I’ve started bombing aid convoys in Syria – does that work?”
When asked if he had any other plans for the future beyond mass murder, the former prime minister was quick to elaborate.
“To be honest, I’m quite looking forward to doing Jerry Hall.”
Filed under Politics, Tony Blair, War
Blairexit: UK to hold referendum on whether to hang or shoot Tony Blair
Britain faces another divisive referendum over the exact method of dispatching monger of wars Tony Blair.
Harold shop owner Julie Kettle says she regrets not being informed enough about the EU referendum, so she’s really done her homework this time.
Blair says Chilcot report proves Corbyn lacks the skills to organise an oil war
“Just a glance at the Chilcot report shows just how unsuited Corbyn is to lead the country into a Middle Eastern war” said foreign dictator consultant Blair.
“The report rightly praised me for taking the most flimsy intelligence in a dossier and misrepresenting it so well that people were convinced Saddam could make a nuclear bomb from sand. Can you imagine Corbyn doing that if he’d been PM? He’s so naive he’d have just told the British public there was no immediate threat which would make it very hard to have a decent war.”
Even newts denouncing Ken Livingstone
Ken Livingstone has pissed off so many people that now even newts have taken to ignoring him in public, it was revealed today.
Like the sad old uncle who drinks too much sherry at Christmas and believes everyone is interested in his incontinent ramblings, Livingstone seems to have convinced himself that because he has read some pages in Wikipedia, everyone will eventually slap their thighs and tell him how clever he is.
In fact, the entire world is shuffling its feet in embarrassment, wondering if it really isn’t time to start considering some kind of home for the old fellow.
“I used to be right behind Ken,” admitted ‘Barry’, a ringtailed leaping newt from Putney. “But lately, me and the rest of the guys in the pond just think he’s being a bit weird.”
“If you were to ask my honest opinion, I’d say he’s pissed. And I should know.”
“I’m a newt.”
Part-Kenyan Obama’s ancestral hatred of Britain ‘tip of the iceberg’ says new report
The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.
Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.
Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.
Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics, Sex, War
UKIP supporter campaigns against EU by invading Poland
A UKIP supporter has invaded Poland as part of a misguided attempt to campaign against the European Union, it has emerged.
Cab driver Timothy ‘Twatty’ Miller has been slammed for hiring a tank and encroaching into Polish territory, in a mystifying bid to make the point that he was angry about something.
Miller, 99, claimed the invasion is a symbol of “freedom and democracy” and hopes it will encourage floating voters to opt for Brexit in the upcoming EU referendum. No, really.
Police interviewed Mr Miller, pointing out to him that while it was not necessarily illegal to drive a tank, he was nonetheless in grave danger of making himself look like a massive fucking bell-end.
Miller denied he was a fascist, saying: “People want to read that I’m anti-semitic but that is not the truth.”
“The truth is that I’m a massive fucking bell-end.”
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Filed under EU referendum, News, War
Calls for pedestrians to stop chewing gum near the Cenotaph
Retired Colonel, Richard Blimp has called for a ban on people smoking fags and chewing gum near the Cenotaph.
“The first memorial was erected for a peace parade a hundred years ago” he said “but we’ve managed to wrestle it back for the jingo.”
Blimp believes that soldiers who died in war would be appalled by people enjoying the freedom they gave their lives for and peacefully wandering past the Cenotaph whilst idly smoking, chewing gum, or listening to the Chris Evans breakfast show.
North Korea’s hydrogen bomb test just Kim Jong-Un jumping up and down
North Korea’s claim to have successfully tested a hydrogen bomb is in tatters after the discovery that the resulting 5.1 earthquake is exactly what would be expected from Kim Jong-Un jumping up and down a few times.
Initially it was thought the rogue state detonated a miniature nuclear device infused with hydrogen as calculations showed an explosive force equivalent to the Hiroshima bomb. But then scientists worked out that cheese fan Kim Jong-Un could generate an equivalent force by jumping two feet in the air a couple of times.
Filed under International News, War
Joy turns to despair: It’s not Blair facing Iraq war crime trials
Street parties have been cancelled up and down the land, after it emerged that it’s not foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair facing possible trial for Iraqi war crimes, but some of the squaddies from the business end.
At the Squirrel Lickers yesterday, Dan Brooks voiced his frustration.
“Those war crimes idiots can’t see the dunes for the sand. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Tony Blair, War
US stealth ship ‘can play Springsteen a bit quieter’
A new $4bn US ‘stealth’ warship can go into battle almost undetected, thanks to a breakthrough in playing Bruce Springsteen tracks a little quieter.
“Until now, the US Navy has struggled to stealthily police the world’s oceans”, explained marine engineer Chuck Cousteau, “without the enemy picking up traces of ‘Born in the USA’.”
Using a special graphene ‘towel’, the new vessel can ‘muffle’ its PA system, allowing the destroyer to creep around as quietly as a modest jazz frigate.
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Filed under Technology, War
Senior Labour politician Blair ‘unfit’ to face war crimes trial
Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, suffers from advanced ‘dementia-like’ symptoms, including memory loss and delusions of grandeur, could not recall a Dr Kelly or why the UK went to war in Iraq and had little concept of a moral or political philosophy, medics have found.
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Filed under Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair, War
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