Tony Blair to close commercial enterprises to focus on war crimes

Pretty straight to the heart

Tony Blair has reacted to criticism of his shady deals with repressive dictators and huge banks by announcing that he will close all his commercial activities and focus on the simple things he is best at – massacring hundreds of thousands of innocent people in illegal wars.

“People have asked why I, being a former leader of this country, should sell my knowledge of our secrets to a foreign power, when no other former prime minister has ever done this,” explained Blair today to journalists while leaning casually on a huge pile of money.

“And I say to these people – ‘are you from Iraq? Because if you are, I’m going to slaughter you.'”

“That usually shuts them up. I’m a pretty straight guy, you know.”

“Death, death, death, death, blood, death – that’s pretty much the agenda. I’ve started bombing aid convoys in Syria – does that work?”

When asked if he had any other plans for the future beyond mass  murder, the former prime minister was quick to elaborate.

“To be honest, I’m quite looking forward to doing Jerry Hall.”