Fish start singing so they can tell Noel Edmonds to “f*ck off”

George the tortoise: “That bearded prick off the TV”

Noel Edmonds is cautiously optimistic about his new ‘motivational speaking for pets’ service after a pondful of Japanese Koi Carp sang f*ck off” at him in three-part harmony.

George, an elderly tortoise in the same garden, referred to him as “that bearded prick off TV”.

“Clearly I’ll have to get up to speed with the character of different kinds of pets.” says Edmonds.

“For instance, I was chatting this morning to what I assumed were a bunch of Gerbils but it turned out they were Lemmings. I’d barely started telling them about Mr Blobby and Crinkly Bottom before they all held paws together and jumped off a cliff.”

A spokesperson for Channel 4, who recently dropped Edmonds’ Deal or No Deal show, said “I’m not surprised. Noel has an uncanny knack of communicating with dumb animals”.

“Even  the studio cat said he was a banker.”