Author Archives: WineMonkey
The Alphabet, according to Jacob Rees-Mogg, Esq., M.P.
B is for ‘ballroom’, such an elegant place;
C is for ‘corset’, which should be worn tight;
D is for ‘duke’, much better than ‘knight’;
E is for ‘engagement’, a contract before marriage;
F is for ‘fargon’, a most useful carriage;
G is for ‘God’, in whom we all trust;
H is for ‘help’, a good nanny’s a must;
I is for ‘inferior’, which poor people are;
J is for ‘job’, like ‘tosher’ or ‘char’;
K is for ‘knife’, please set to the right;
L is for ‘love’, an upsetting sight;
M is for ‘mourning’, you need the right clothes;
N is for ‘nosegay’, oft given by beaus;
O is for ‘opium’, an efficacious tonic;
P is for ‘poverty’, an illness most chronic;
Q is for ‘quarry’, a fox, pheasant or deer;
R is for ‘rule’, which men do, that is clear;
S is for ‘season’, when girls look for a suitor;
T is for ‘templum’ (this is latin neuter);
U is for ‘unmentionables’, mostly lady parts;
V is for ‘Victorian’, the noblest of hearts;
W is for ‘wife’, a woman’s greatest aim;
X is for ‘xenophobia’, in which there’s no shame;
Y is for ‘yard’, an imperial measurement;
Z is for ‘Zulu’, a dark foe most unpleasant.
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Filed under Law and Order, Letters, Nostalgia, Politics
Grylls appointed as Minister for Survival
As members of her cabinet withdraw to pursue new opportunities and sharpen their knives, Theresa May has drafted in ex SAS tough guy Bear Grylls to help her survive.
“Bear has unparalleled experience in self-rescue, protection and combat. His knowledge of inhospitable terrain, and his ability to stomach lugworms is going to be essential as the Brexit negotiations enter this openly aggressive stage” said a Downing Street source. “The Prime Minister believes she can hold out for a good few months at Number Ten with Bear by her side.”
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Filed under breaking news, Brexit, EU referendum, Politics
Princes kissing sleeping beauties sends wrong message, says school
Teachers at Harold’s St Mary’s primary school are planning an overhaul of the curriculum following claims by a professor at Osaka University that fairytale princes in Snow White and Sleeping Beauty are sex offenders.
“You might look at Sleeping Beauty and see a chaste, curse-breaking kiss, but apparently what’s going on is a quasi-compulsive obscene sexual act on an unconscious partner” said Headteacher Alison Lee. “We can’t be explaining that sort of thing to our Reception class, I can’t even spell Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Children, News
British weather finally admits it just likes messing with us
After several months in which temperatures have fluctuated wildly between unseasonably warm and freezing, with added storms, gale force winds, fog, and torrential rain, the British weather has confirmed what many of us thought: it’s mucking about “for shits and giggles”.
“Over the years, I’ve come to realise that I’m being blamed for loads of stuff that’s not really my fault” said the weather. “Traffic jams, power cuts, crop failures, rises in the cost of house insurance. It started to piss me off. You need to take some responsibility for your own poor infrastructure and Continue reading
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Filed under News
Family day out to Cerne Abbas Giant “ruined” by naked man
A family’s half term trip to Dorset has ended in tears thanks to the streaking antics of an as yet unidentified thrill seeker.
Richard and Beatrice Cooper, with their young children Dorcas (6) and Wilbur (3) had hoped to take advantage of the school holiday and get some culture in the South West. Staying in Dorchester, they had ‘edutainment’ visits to the Dinosaur Museum, Tank Museum and Max Gate planned.
Also on the itinerary was a trip to the Cerne Abbas Giant. “We’ve always been very open with the children” said Beatrice “and Dorcas is very mature for her age, so we weren’t worried about her seeing the Giant, or his enormous todger. And of course Wilbur has a willy of his own, he knows it’s nothing to giggle about.”
But their hope for historical edification was left in tatters when a naked man streaked across the chalked turf. Richard was horrified. “I had just passed Dorcas the binoculars so that she could take in the full majesty of the iconic erection when it happened. She was in tears. A controversial chalk boner is historical gold, but a random flaccid member bobbing over the fields? It’s too much.”
Local neopagans are disgusted by the streaker, and have sworn to perform “ceremonies” to cleanse the site of unwanted nudity.
Hospital patients “enchanted” by waiting room banter
Bob Price, an 82 year old former boxer, delighted the many people waiting at Dunstable Royal Infirmary outpatients department for blood tests this morning with his relentless banter.
A stalwart of many a waiting room, Mr Price greeted each new arrival with a cheery “I’ve been waiting here since 8.30am you know”, following that up with “there only seem to be two nurses on at the moment”, “they all go home at noon” and “it didn’t used to take this long at the Walsgrave”. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, Health, NHS
Office worker hides hatred of her ‘awful’ colleagues with generous leaving gifts
A Harold woman has admitted to spending a ridiculous amount of time and money on her colleague’s retirement, even though she can’t stand him.
Marian Smith, a secretary at Harold Bus Company, said that she has always found account manager Mick Walker to be “unrelentingly irritating”, thanks to his tuneless whistling, theatrically loud sneezes, and bad impressions.
“He’s always done that policeman from Allo Allo” said Marian, “which grates a bit after the 50th ‘good moaning’. But since Trump was elected he’s been saying “I’m gonna build a wall….” and “its gonna be yuge” Continue reading
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Filed under News
Fish start singing so they can tell Noel Edmonds to “f*ck off”
Noel Edmonds is cautiously optimistic about his new ‘motivational speaking for pets’ service after a pondful of Japanese Koi Carp sang f*ck off” at him in three-part harmony.
George, an elderly tortoise in the same garden, referred to him as “that bearded prick off TV”.
Filed under Entertainment, News, TV
Local teacher is “uniformly disappointing”
Clive Morris, Head Teacher at Harold Shining Future Academy and Technology Haven (formerly Harold comprehensive) has been vilified by parents for not sending pupils home for breaching the uniform policy.
Following a flood of stories in popular news publications about teaching staff removing jewellery from pupils and judging their trousers to be too tight, a group of parents gathered outside school to wait for their children to be sent out. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold
New Waste Disposal Site is “rubbish” say residents
The improved recycling facility site in Harold, renovated at great expense to the taxpayer, has been condemned as “farcical”, “confusing” and “the product of a diseased mind”.
Renamed in honour of local refuse collecting hero Stanley Biggs, who once singlehandedly fly-tipped the whole village’s rubbish when the 1977 bin-man strike coincided with a heatwave, Biggs Plaza Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, environment, News
Artisan Misspelling Boutique “Holm of Homophones” opens in Harold
Local entrepreneur and hipster converts Oofy and Lysander Eastof have launched a new business venture, aimed at villagers in Harold who feel the need to break away from the “oppressive rules” of the English language.
“Holm of Homophones” is a one stop boutique for homophones, which can be liberally sprinkled through conversation without anyone but the user knowing.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold
Fumes of Mordor not technically ‘weather’
Harold’s new weatherman, Nicholas Legolas, has been fired after viewers complained about his “overly dramatic” style.
The handsome blonde, thought to have been employed for his good looks and piercing eyes, often adopted a portentous tone when delivering reports on Harold’s latest meteorological activities.
“He is a lovely looking lad” said Doris Kettle, “with hair like a Pantene advert, mine were never that shiny, not even when I were young. But I don’t need to know about the fumes of Mordor of a morning, I just want to know if I can put me delicates on the line to dry.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, News, Weather
“Who is PJS?” SATs question raises more security worries for DfE
A Harold head teacher has spoken out in defence of the new SATs – described by many as being unnecessarily stressful, pressured and far too advanced, and which reduced some students to tears.
St Mary’s Alison Lee, however, thinks the paper was no more difficult than it needs to be to prepare students for life in current society.
“Parents think that being engaged, inspired little learners will be sufficient for their offspring to succeed, but they’re living in a dream world” said Mrs Lee.
“What sort of mind do you need to have to be able to argue that a super-injunction should hold, even when everyone knows the details of the story in question? How adept at convoluted maths must you be to complete a Panama Papers tax return? These are not skills that are garnered without effort.” Continue reading
Squirrels ‘up in arms’ over tree climbing guide
Harold’s squirrel population are united in their condemnation of hipster publication “The Tree Climber’s Guide”, a manifesto encouraging bored office workers to kick off their shoes and shimmy up the nearest trunk.
Written by old Harrovian Jack Cooke, a man some might say has too much time on his hands, the guide looks set to grace the bookshelves of many a modern city dweller who has forgotten the simple pleasures in life. There are suggestions that “How to play tig” and “Rolling down hills: a manual” are next to be published in the series.
Easter Bunny eating families “horrified” by dead cartoon rabbits in Watership Down
Parents have been taking to social media to vent anger at Channel 5 deciding to show rabbit snuff movie Watership Down on Easter Sunday afternoon.
The cartoon, based on the classic children’s novel, follows the sometimes gory adventures of Hazel and his chums, as they try to find a new home.
It features a terrifying ghost rabbit, a spooky song performed in Art Garfunkel’s best falsetto, and some bloodthirsty terriers. Continue reading
“Most haunted house in Harold”for sale after woman left traumatised by beast “with terrible tusks, claws and teeth….”
Harold resident Carol Mutter has put her home on the market just 6 weeks after moving in, following sightings of a “ghostly monster” in her son’s nursery.
The property, which sadly for Carol has no mysterious past, was a new build when Carol bought it. Thinking she had found the perfect home for herself and her 9 month old son, Jeremy, Carol soon became aware of a supernatural presence.
“At first I thought I was just imagining things” said Carol. “Sometimes I would be woken in the early hours of the morning by a crying noise. Other times I would leave Jeremy with his dinner, only to find it had been flung about the room when my back was turned. This one time, he even ended up with spaghetti all over his head, that really freaked me out.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Children, News
“Vicars should grow beards to reach out to hipsters”
Clergy in Harold have been advised to grow beards to emphasise their commitment to hipsters, the Bishop of London has suggested.
Rt Reverend Richard Chartres said that Harold risks falling behind areas like Shoreditch, where bushy beards, lumberjack cassocks and artisanal breads at communion have helped Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Religion
Brenda’s Guide to Christmas Day Fights
Following the revelation that the average UK family will have at least 5 fights on Christmas day – with the first one at an impressively precise 10.13am – we asked Harold’s relationship guru and all round sage advice giver, Brenda Ferguson, how to avoid stress this festive season.
“Most arguments follow a predictable pattern” said Brenda. “Having studied these closely over the last few minutes, I have been able to come up with a foolproof way to diffuse nasty situations and restore harmony.” Continue reading
Couple face fine for using Paloma Faith Rugby Anthem against ‘screaming’ children
Local killjoys, who couldn’t stand the sound of children playing next door, now face a fine for installing a device that, when activated, sent the youngsters scampering back to the safety of their computer screens.
Mr and Mrs Green read about anti-loitering equipment online, and decided to fashion their own to counter the sounds of joyful enthusiasm coming from next door’s garden.
“I don’t mind children” said Mr Green, “but they should be seen and not heard. It got so bad that we couldn’t sit out in the garden without hearing them laugh or politely ask their mum if they could help with anything.”
Christ fans flock to Hampshire after Holy Ghost spotted
Harold’s team of dedicated theology students leapt in to action at the weekend on hearing that the Holy Ghost had been seen in the mud of the River Hamble.
Unfortunately, they were disappointed to discover nothing more than the wreck of an ancient war ship, rather than the third member of the Godhead.
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Filed under Around Harold, Religion
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