Astride the blue recycling bin
Snails have been feeling upbeat today after moving up a rung on the evolutionary ladder, according to a new study using the Brexit negotiations as a benchmark.
“Talk about deja vu,” said John Snail. “I’ve been all the way to the bins and back and the talks still haven’t moved. I’ve seen grass grow faster. It would be quicker if I set off to France myself and negotiated a deal with an escargot. It would probably be a better deal too. And with less slime.”
Owls of protest, but no egrets
There has been shock and anger from members of the public and other Goodies after the BBC revealed today that William “Bill” Oddie is its highest-paid performer, currently on £14 million per year despite not having had a BBC show since 2008.
Many people expected details of stars’ salaries to seem excessive, but few were prepared for the riches lavished on the lesser-spotted Oddie by a grateful BBC after a string of wildly successful bird-watching shows over the last 200 years.
BBC chairman Sir David Clementi defended Oddie’s pay, insisting: “We love Bill. The public loves Bill, and quite frankly £14 million a year is nothing, if it stops him going off and making higher-budget bird-watching programmes for Amazon.”
Lifelong BBC fan Jeremy Clarkson admitted that Oddie was “value for money” after the raft of successes the performer has brought to the channel over the years.
“If I’m honest, Bill was the reason I left the old Beeb,” he admitted this morning. “I knew deep down I’d never be able to compete, he’s always going to be the top guy. Look at all the shows – The Goodies, Bananaman, all the bird-watching stuff, obviously, and that one where they were all nudists. Was that him, or Keith Chegwin?”
“I was always so jealous, he was always the one who got all the birds.”
Former Goodie Tim-Brooke Taylor refused to comment, saying only: “If he’s worth that, then I’m a teapot.”
“And I am a teapot.”
Posting on Twitter, a spokesperson for Bill Oddie played down the huge salary, insisting it was “chickenfeed”, before adding nervously: “No, really, that’s what he uses it for. I’ve tried to stop him.”
“It was worse when we thought he was funneling all the cash into a hedge fund. Turns out it was a hedge.”
That rabbit’s dynamite!
The world’s largest bunny rabbit which was found brutally beaten to death with hammers on a United Airlines flight had been ‘disruptive’, according to airline CEO Oscar Munoz.
In an internal email to staff, Munoz confirmed that the rabbit, a 3ft continental giant called Simon, had become ‘uncooperative’ after being denied lettuce.
Passengers on board the aircraft then posted harrowing scenes of the animal being dragged from its hutch by security, beaten with hammers and then boiled alive in front of screaming children.
“This is standard operating procedure, and I commend our staff for their actions,” insisted Munoz. “Especially the hammers thing.”
“Without going into details, the bunny in question had been asked several times to stop making that hungry grunting sound they do, and it declined to comply, on the grounds that it didn’t speak English or have a clue what the hell we were talking about.”
“In cases such as these, the use of hammers and the boiling thing are entirely justified by aviation laws.”
Critics have suggested that beating customers with hammers and then boiling them to death might not be the hallmark of a modern caring company, but United Airlines have pointed out “Fuck you”.
They say he’ll have your eyes out in a flash. As will the eagle
The naming of an old fossil in honour of David Attenboroug was abandoned today, after it yawned, scratched, and was revealed as Keith Richards, contemplating a difficult guitar riff.
This is just the latest in a series of setbacks for the naming things after Sir David Attenborough industry.
Last year the ‘Dinosaur Attenborosaurus Conybeare’ was found to be Ronnie Wood, taking an unusually long afternoon nap.
A wildflower named Attenborough Hawkweed, Continue reading
Roar!
Tired of being used as a furry prop in lonely thirty-something’s lives and constantly being accused of ultimately planning on eating their single human housemate, cats have rebranded as Pocket Lions in order to widen their ownership demographic. Continue reading
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Filed under Nature
The tide of history…
New US President Donald Trump has begun the process of undoing any laws he doesn’t agree with, including the Affordable Care Act, same-sex marriage and the incoming tide.
“We want to waste no time getting this proud country back to where it used to be,” explained Trump to an audience of Russian journalists.
“That basically means rolling back anything progressive that’s happened in the last few decades.”
“To illustrate this by means of a giant salty metaphor, I will this afternoon sit on the beach and command the tide not to come in.”
“For too long, ordinary Americans have been forced to watch the tide cover their proud beaches with its briny wetness, well no more. It’s going to stay out until we work out what’s going on.”
“We’re going to build a sea wall, and the ocean is going to pay for this.”
There was some scepticism that Trump would be able to deliver on his tidal manifesto, although some pointed out that if there was anyone the sea would happily avoid, it would be the new President.
As Trump headed off to the beach, his supporters chanted their new slogan: “Yes we CANUTE!”
Rampant rabbit
Rabbits everywhere plan to mark the death of Watership Down author Richard Adams by having sex enthusiastically all day, it has been revealed.
Adams died on Christmas Eve aged 96. His famous rabbit novel, first published in 1972, became one of the bestselling children’s books of all time, selling tens of millions of copies.
As the sad news sunk in, burrows and warrens across the country fell silent today, apart from the faint sound of frenzied bunny intercourse.
“It’s a sad blow for all of us,” said Cowpat, a four-year-old buck from a warren near Honiton in Devon.
“I personally plan to commemorate his passing by shagging anything that moves until I fall asleep, after which I’ll nibble a carrot and start again.”
“It’s what he would have wanted. This one’s for you Richard! And this one. And this one.”
Buttock, a two-year-old white doe from Sussex, added: “My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.”
“Fancy a shag?”
Heimlich and Ralph, in happier times
US doctor Henry Heimlich, who invented the manoeuvre used to help victims of choking, has died aged 96 after getting lodged in the throat of a lion who was attempting to eat him.
Dr Heimlich expired in the Lion Enclosure of Cincinnati Zoo late on Saturday night after undertaking an ill-advised bet that he could perform his manoeuvre on an actual lion before the age of 97.
Spectators watched in horror as ‘Ralph’, a 400-lb Kalahari lion seized a clearly drunk Heimlich in its jaws and attempted to swallow him whole. Tragically, the former doctor proved too large to fit comfortably down the animal’s throat, leading to the death of both Heimlich and Ralph.
“It’s what he would have wanted,” sobbed a friend. “Being the actual object which caused a fatal choking incident, it’s just so appropriate, somehow.”
“I imagine his only regret would have been that there wasn’t actually anyone around to perform his manoeuvre on the lion. But you can’t have everything.”
Violent, but does a lot of great work for charity
London Marathon organisers were left red-faced today after an escaped gorilla, whom everyone assumed was a runner in fancy dress, went berserk and killed 15 people.
The gorilla, an impressive male silverback named Kumbuka, was the pride of London Zoo’s “Gorilla Kingdom” until an inexperienced keeper forgot to close a security gate.
Kumbuka somehow made his way to Greenwich Park, where thousands of contestants were preparing for the start of the marathon, and inevitable disaster ensued.
“It seems that this magnificent gorilla may have got enraged after stumbling into a huge crowd,” explained Evening Harold sports correspondent Piers Waghorn.
“That, and the fact that someone pinned a great paper number onto his chest.”
In the turmoil that followed, race sponsor Richard Branson had his head ripped clean from his body, but this was soon followed by genuine tragedy after several real people were killed.
Celebrity father David Furnish was among those who narrowly escaped, in a three-man pantomime horse costume, the other occupants of which we are sadly unable to report on.
To make matters worse, police marksmen proceeded to shoot the wrong gorilla with a tranquilliser gun, leading to the near-certain closure of a Dunstable day centre due to lost sponsorship money.
Looking on the bright side, Kumbuka ended up finishing the marathon in a highly respectable time of 3:18:27, shortly after Dame Kelly Holmes, but just seconds in front of the pursuing David Attenborough and his tiring film crew.
Brian: “More and more bloody hipsters, every bloody weekend…”
Harold’s squirrel population are united in their condemnation of hipster publication “The Tree Climber’s Guide”, a manifesto encouraging bored office workers to kick off their shoes and shimmy up the nearest trunk.
Written by old Harrovian Jack Cooke, a man some might say has too much time on his hands, the guide looks set to grace the bookshelves of many a modern city dweller who has forgotten the simple pleasures in life. There are suggestions that “How to play tig” and “Rolling down hills: a manual” are next to be published in the series.
Exit stage left…
In what is already being called one of the biggest shocks of this year’s Oscars, actor Leonardo DiCaprio, fresh from finally winning ‘best actor’, has been tragically eaten by a bear as he returned home.
It is a cruel irony that DiCaprio should meet this fate immediately after ending his long wait for the award, especially as bear attacks are so rare in modern Los Angeles. It is possible that the actor might have disregarded recent police reminders not to step on the cracks in the pavement.
Some critics have pointed out that it is actually pretty amusing that this should happen after the beary subject matter of his recent movie, while others have merely suggested that the hungry bear was a film lover.
“It wasn’t even the one from the movie,” lamented DiCaprio’s manager. “That I could understand, but this was just some bear, you know?”
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Filed under Movies, Nature, Showbusiness
Wait, leotard??
Following the news that the leopard which has terrorised Indian schools has gone missing, popular real newspaper the Evening Harold was today unable to resist the headline: “Missing leopard spotted”.
Reaction to the frankly terrible headline was swift, with many readers protesting by burning their copies of the newspaper. Many bought extra copies just to burn them, leading to the highest circulation ever seen.
Readers of the online edition of the Harold were quick to burn their laptops, and Stephen Fry quit Twitter, as usual.
A spokesman for the Harold tried to insist the whole affair was a simple mistake, claiming that the headline had meant to refer to a missing leotard.
No-one believed him, but everyone stopped protesting and went off to think about leotards for a bit.
A representative of former Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy had no comment to make, other than noting that his client died last year and he expected better of us.
“You don’t need a weatherman…”
David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.
Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.
“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.
“The next person to call me Tufty gets a whack!”
After enduring decades of oppression from insurgent grey squirrels, the remaining indigenous red squirrel is being encouraged to launch a fight back against its natural enemy.
Far cuter than their fatter so called North American ‘cousins’, who invited themselves to Britain half way through the last war to assist in repelling the Nazi squirrel and never left, the bushy tailed red squirrel has retreated to the remote forests of the UK dreaming of the day when they will be able to play fearlessly with their nuts in public. Continue reading
“The dentist can rest assured he won’t feel a thing”
Palmer attracted widespread notoriety for paying $50,000 to hunt and kill Cecil the lion, and so Harold schoolboy Simon Delenay set up a fundraising page to allow the lions a chance to even up the score.
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Filed under International News, Nature
Look at the beak on that!
The news that Elizabeth Hurley has been named by readers of the Daily Telegraph as Britain’s favourite bird has been greeted with delight by the nation’s bird fanciers.
The much loved Hurley is a common sight in our gardens and is easily identified by her prominent orange breast, often referred to as ‘that plumage’ by aficionados. She is highly territorial and can often be spotted begging for worms near gardeners who are doing a bit of digging. Continue reading
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Filed under Nature, Showbusiness
British Wind for British People
There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.
Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, environment, Farming, Nature, Technology, Uncategorized
Spider ‘gave him the eyes’.
A local deviant has claimed that a spider he found in his kitchen was so sexy, it gave him a 4-hour erection.
Hagrid Evans told us that the arachnid has evolved over thousands of years specifically to ‘give him the horn’, and being a spider, instinctively went for his fly.
“I’ve always been a leg man, and this beauty had eight”, leered Evans. “I could tell I was in love, at least an incy wincy bit.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature, Sex
Rare to see an owl in custard in daylight.
A natural historian in Harold has managed to obtain footage of an owl, deeply immersed in custard.
Until now, every other aspect of the owl’s tedious life has been filmed extensively. But this is the first time one has been shown in a dairy-based, vanilla-enhanced fluid.
Ben Evans, 57 and still living with his parents, captured the moment shortly after returning from the shops.
“It’s Bird’s custard, obviously”, quipped Evans. “And the owl is a medium one. I think it eats mice or something, using that sharp bit on the front.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Nature, science
EH artist’s impression of the victim in happier times
Leading village animal rights campaigner Rachel Guest has resigned from her position of president of Harold’s Animal First movement after an ‘unforgivable incident’ in which she believes she may have killed a living creature, namely an ant.
Speaking candidly after her shock resignation Ms Guest told the Evening Harold how she had slaughtered the ant. “It was all a terrible accident,” she said with a quivering lip. “I inadvertently stepped on the ant as it was crossing the pavement, minding its own business.”
“I’m usually so careful,” she continued, “which is why it always takes so long for me to walk anywhere, but my mind elsewhere was on the big question – Do potatoes feel pain? and the equally important Could I live without chips?” Continue reading
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