Author Archives: wallstermagnus

The insanely evil but inexplicably foxy home secretary Priti Patel today announced that the threat of terrorism in the UK had been reduced from ‘Holy shit, we’re all going to die’ to the lower level of ‘Fucking hell, run for it’.

This is the first time the terror threat has been set so low since it was raised from ‘Jesus, that was close’ back in 2014.

“Clearly we are reviewing the situation continuously” advised Ms Patel while gnawing on a human leg bone.

“We are of course looking forward to when we finally take back control with our own traditional British terrorism. Back to the halcyon days when we could look warily at anyone who has a regional accent, and we can lock up people without trial with impunity again”.

Cherry faced, rotund pile of fetid human detritus, the ironically named MP for Rayleigh and Wickford, Mark François, opined nostalgically, “I don’t mind being blown up, as long as there is a coded warning 5 mins before and that it’s white people doing the bombing. Back when terrorists knew how to do terroristics properly, like real gentlemen. Heady days.”

Meanwhile the security services remain vigilant in the hope that one day we can look forward to the terror threat being reduced to its lowest level of “Call that a bomb? I’ve sharted more damage than that, mate”.

Theatre critics who survived last night’s premiere of the 7 and a half hour epic ‘Brexit – The Musical’ were unanimous in their assertion that while it was indeed “brain meltingly suicide inducing” and “akin to having red hot pokers inserted into one’s lungs via the nose”, it still wasn’t as bad as suffering through an afternoon at The Queen’s Theatre with Les Miserables.

Despite being smattered with a huge array of unrealistic comic characters with no real personality, depth or credibility, ‘Brexit – The Musical’ was still deemed marginally preferable to the 3 hour French nationalist dirge.

Speaking from the recovery ward at St. Thomas’ hospital this morning, Guardian Theatre Critic, Michael Billington praised the new production for its brevity.

Communicating only with blinks he conveyed his assessment of the show as ‘a unique opportunity to stare into the depths of one’s existence and consider the relative merits of Dignitas for the theatre going public’.

When asked if he was looking forward to reviewing next year’s release of Hugh Jackman’s ‘The Greatest Showman 2’, Mr Billington reached over and turned off his own life support.

In a surprise upset after more than 20 years as chief Westminster pantomime villain, Nigel Farage has been usurped this year by relative newcomer Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Rees-Mogg, who was created in 2010 by splicing the Tussauds waxworks of John Redwood and Postman Pat has been auditioning frantically for the role over the last few weeks with classic lines such as “Rape? Get over it, it’s behind you” and “Abortion is always wrong. Ooooh yes it is”. Continue reading →

Forcing one out for Queen and colony

The palace have made a special announcement on behalf of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, stating that she plans to retire once she’s laid her 70 millionth egg.

Her Majesty, who founded the UK in 1952, has been busily producing offspring ever since, taking the population up to 65 and a half million.

But at 91 years old, her royal ovipostor is showing its age; which has led many in her household to advise knocking it off.

With millions of workers keeping the colony afloat, a few thousand soldiers protecting its borders and 650 drones fucking everyone about from the House of Commons, the UK colony has seen good times and bad. But there are fears now that a shortage of suitable accommodation and inadequate food supplies will lead to an increase in hive members spraying each other in the face with formic acid and surreptitiously eating the larvae.

Although Prince Philip’s ailing health has resulted in his reduced public workload, it’s believed that he’s put by sufficient sperm packets to enable the queen to keep pumping out the pupae for a while yet.

But since Camilla Duchess of Cornwall is ineligible to take over from the Queen, the Duchess of Cambridge is preparing for the inevitable succession with strenuous pelvic floor exercises and quaffing large amounts of Prince’s royal jelly.

Chain of thought.

As the White House bans news organisations from their press briefing, The Evening Harold Speaks.

The latest twist in President Donald Gump’s hate campaign against the media has seen The Evening Harold banned from an informal press briefing held by the president’s pet chihuaha, Sean Spicer.

We take this slight very seriously. The Evening Harold’s reputation as a trusted outlet for breaking the news stories other organisations are too afraid to cover is world renowned.

Who else brought you news of McDonalds’ plans to replace ketchup with orangutan blood? Of the demand by badgers for a cull of humans to stop the spread of ebola? Of the hoard of apostrophes left by Grammar Nazis under a Polish mountain? Or of course the tragic life of snooker great John Virgo, still sadly living under that bridge?

As Kim Jong-un once said “To gag the freedom of the press is to allow dictators free reign to stamp all over democracy and personal liberties”. Although admittedly he was giggling and rubbing his chubby little hands at the time.

We must protest. We must stand up for our liberties. We must demand our right to speak. We must grumble most ardently about the state of things these days. What is the world coming to? It so wasn’t like this in our day, was it? Tch!

Unless we want to see civilisation descend into utter chaos once again, as it did under the brutal and sadistic regimes of Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and Blair; we must fight for our right to be heard.

The Evening Harold will always be here to stand up for truth and decency. To expose corruption; to irk the tyrant; to chafe at the reigns of bondage; to vex the despot; to peeve the oppressor and to stick one right up President Twunt and his bully boy buddies.

Next time he tries a stunt like this, we’ll just make up something really nasty about him instead.

Mildred Fishbourne with the ’68 Salvation Army posse.

Veterans of the Harold Salvation Army band are frantically searching for new members after the entire percussion section quit in an acrimonious dispute over the future direction of the group.

Lead triangle player Mildred Fishbourne, the last original member from the classic 1968 ‘Godstock’ line up, has long harboured a desire to take the band in a more ‘Hippety Hoppity’ direction.

“One can’t stand still forever” said Mrs Fishbourne over a hot buttered crumpet. “The Saints Go Marching In has been a great success for the band over the years, but we haven’t had a major hit like that since The Floral Dance in the mid 70’s”.

“If we’re going to keep the fan base happy we need to modernise. That’s why we’ve decided to split away and form a new 30 piece woodwind and brass ensemble based around the Gangsta Rap genre”.

Meanwhile bassoonist Edward Cotterell, spokesman for the more conservative traditionalists within the band has been speaking out about the dispute.

“Of course we all want to remain relevant in an increasingly cynical world” he opined, “but when we were forced to play 50 cent’s ‘Wanksta’ at last week’s village bring and buy sale, that really was the biscuit”.

Divisions within the band seem irreparable. With the departure of such an important section of the traditional band, Salvation Army leaders have been desperately trying to find replacements to fill the band’s remaining tour commitments.

Unfotunately it looks as though tonight’s concert at The Lavendar and Pea old folks’ home in Dunstable will have to be cancelled after the entire brass section were gunned down in a drive by shooting, carried out by the Presbyterian Choral Massiv.