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Old enough to know better.

UK terrorism threat downgraded to ‘Fucking hell, run for it’.

copsThe insanely evil but inexplicably foxy home secretary Priti Patel today announced that the threat of terrorism in the UK had been reduced from ‘Holy shit, we’re all going to die’ to the lower level of ‘Fucking hell, run for it’.

This is the first time the terror threat has been set so low since it was raised from ‘Jesus, that was close’ back in 2014.

“Clearly we are reviewing the situation continuously” advised Ms Patel while gnawing on a human leg bone.

“We are of course looking forward to when we finally take back control with our own traditional British terrorism. Back to the halcyon days when we could look warily at anyone who has a regional accent, and we can lock up people without trial with impunity again”.

Cherry faced, rotund pile of fetid human detritus, the ironically named MP for Rayleigh and Wickford, Mark François, opined nostalgically, “I don’t mind being blown up, as long as there is a coded warning 5 mins before and that it’s white people doing the bombing. Back when terrorists knew how to do terroristics properly, like real gentlemen. Heady days.”

Meanwhile the security services remain vigilant in the hope that one day we can look forward to the terror threat being reduced to its lowest level of “Call that a bomb? I’ve sharted more damage than that, mate”.

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Filed under News

‘Brexit – The Musical’ still not as tedious as Les Miserables, say critics.

2b6cb6cf8f61330eccb9671e49b9098aTheatre critics who survived last night’s premiere of the 7 and a half hour epic ‘Brexit – The Musical’ were unanimous in their assertion that while it was indeed “brain meltingly suicide inducing” and “akin to having red hot pokers inserted into one’s lungs via the nose”, it still wasn’t as bad as suffering through an afternoon at The Queen’s Theatre with Les Miserables.

Despite being smattered with a huge array of unrealistic comic characters with no real personality, depth or credibility, ‘Brexit – The Musical’ was still deemed marginally preferable to the 3 hour French nationalist dirge.

Speaking from the recovery ward at St. Thomas’ hospital this morning, Guardian Theatre Critic, Michael Billington praised the new production for its brevity.

Communicating only with blinks he conveyed his assessment of the show as ‘a unique opportunity to stare into the depths of one’s existence and consider the relative merits of Dignitas for the theatre going public’.

When asked if he was looking forward to reviewing next year’s release of Hugh Jackman’s ‘The Greatest Showman 2’, Mr Billington reached over and turned off his own life support.

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Shock as Rees-Mogg set to replace Farage as Westminster Panto Villain.

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In a surprise upset after more than 20 years as chief Westminster pantomime villain, Nigel Farage has been usurped this year by relative newcomer Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Rees-Mogg, who was created in 2010 by splicing the Tussauds waxworks of John Redwood and Postman Pat has been auditioning frantically for the role over the last few weeks with classic lines such as “Rape? Get over it, it’s behind you” and “Abortion is always wrong. Ooooh yes it is”. Continue reading

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Queen to retire after spawning 70 millionth subject.

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Forcing one out for Queen and colony

The palace have made a special announcement on behalf of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, stating that she plans to retire once she’s laid her 70 millionth egg.

Her Majesty, who founded the UK in 1952, has been busily producing offspring ever since, taking the population up to 65 and a half million.

But at 91 years old, her royal ovipostor is showing its age; which has led many in her household to advise knocking it off.

With millions of workers keeping the colony afloat, a few thousand soldiers protecting its borders and 650 drones fucking everyone about from the House of Commons, the UK colony has seen good times and bad. But there are fears now that a shortage of suitable accommodation and inadequate food supplies will lead to an increase in hive members spraying each other in the face with formic acid and surreptitiously eating the larvae.

Although Prince Philip’s ailing health has resulted in his reduced public workload, it’s believed that he’s put by sufficient sperm packets to enable the queen to keep pumping out the pupae for a while yet.

But since Camilla Duchess of Cornwall is ineligible to take over from the Queen, the Duchess of Cambridge is preparing for the inevitable succession with strenuous pelvic floor exercises and quaffing large amounts of Prince’s royal jelly.

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Filed under News

Evening Harold banned from White House press briefing for allegedly reporting ‘fake news’

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Chain of thought.

As the White House bans news organisations from their press briefing, The Evening Harold Speaks.

The latest twist in President Donald Gump’s hate campaign against the media has seen The Evening Harold banned from an informal press briefing held by the president’s pet chihuaha, Sean Spicer.

We take this slight very seriously. The Evening Harold’s reputation as a trusted outlet for breaking the news stories other organisations are too afraid to cover is world renowned.

Who else brought you news of McDonalds’ plans to replace ketchup with orangutan blood? Of the demand by badgers for a cull of humans to stop the spread of ebola? Of the hoard of apostrophes left by Grammar Nazis under a Polish mountain? Or of course the tragic life of snooker great John Virgo, still sadly living under that bridge?

As Kim Jong-un once said “To gag the freedom of the press is to allow dictators free reign to stamp all over democracy and personal liberties”. Although admittedly he was giggling and rubbing his chubby little hands at the time.

We must protest. We must stand up for our liberties. We must demand our right to speak. We must grumble most ardently about the state of things these days. What is the world coming to? It so wasn’t like this in our day, was it? Tch!

Unless we want to see civilisation descend into utter chaos once again, as it did under the brutal and sadistic regimes of Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and Blair; we must fight for our right to be heard.

The Evening Harold will always be here to stand up for truth and decency. To expose corruption; to irk the tyrant; to chafe at the reigns of bondage; to vex the despot; to peeve the oppressor and to stick one right up President Twunt and his bully boy buddies.

Next time he tries a stunt like this, we’ll just make up something really nasty about him instead.

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Salvation Army band splits due to musical differences.

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Mildred Fishbourne with the ’68 Salvation Army posse.

Veterans of the Harold Salvation Army band are frantically searching for new members after the entire percussion section quit in an acrimonious dispute over the future direction of the group.

Lead triangle player Mildred Fishbourne, the last original member from the classic 1968 ‘Godstock’ line up, has long harboured a desire to take the band in a more ‘Hippety Hoppity’ direction.

“One can’t stand still forever” said Mrs Fishbourne over a hot buttered crumpet. “The Saints Go Marching In has been a great success for the band over the years, but we haven’t had a major hit like that since The Floral Dance in the mid 70’s”.

“If we’re going to keep the fan base happy we need to modernise. That’s why we’ve decided to split away and form a new 30 piece woodwind and brass ensemble based around the Gangsta Rap genre”.

Meanwhile bassoonist Edward Cotterell, spokesman for the more conservative traditionalists within the band has been speaking out about the dispute.

“Of course we all want to remain relevant in an increasingly cynical world” he opined, “but when we were forced to play 50 cent’s ‘Wanksta’ at last week’s village bring and buy sale, that really was the biscuit”.

Divisions within the band seem irreparable. With the departure of such an important section of the traditional band, Salvation Army leaders have been desperately trying to find replacements to fill the band’s remaining tour commitments.

Unfotunately it looks as though tonight’s concert at The Lavendar and Pea old folks’ home in Dunstable will have to be cancelled after the entire brass section were gunned down in a drive by shooting, carried out by the Presbyterian Choral Massiv.

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Jeremy Corbyn offers Owen Smith job as Labour Party gimp.

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Taking one for the team.

Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Corby's Corner, Labour, News, Politics, Sex, Tony Blair

Labour Party Support For Coxit Up

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The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.

In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.

“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, EU referendum, Independence referendum, Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair

Cameron fights back with Brstayin campaign.

Briton in europe

Artist’s impression of Britton in Europe

Following his latest political kick in the nuts from Michael Howard earlier today, David Cameron has attempted to counter Brexit’s growing momentum by launching the Brstayin campaign.

Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Europe, Independence referendum, News, Politics

Bowl of petunias found stranded on Norfolk beach.

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A Forensic Artist’s rendering of how the bowl of Petunias might have looked, before impact

As if dealing with stranded sperm whales wasn’t enough, bewildered Norfolk locals were today confronted with an angry looking bowl of petunias on a beach near Hunstanton.

Cockle picker Silas Thurlby found the unusual item after hearing what a long wailing noise which he describes as sounding like someone shouting “Oh no, not again” while falling from a great height.

Continue reading

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Filed under Intergalactic News, Lost and Found, News, science

Earth is 2 dimensional, insists one dimensional pop star.

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B.o.B contemplating serious things.

Hippety hoppity rap singer and renowned expert in cartography and basic astrophysics, B.o.B has amused and amazed his fans on social media recently by declaring his belief that the world is flat. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, idiots, Media, music, News, science, Showbusiness, Social media, Space

Neanderthal genes to blame for Donald Trump.

neanderthal

The future of politics.

Scientists at the Boston Institute for Studies have discovered that human interbreeding with Neanderthals is the most likely cause of the modern condition known as ‘Donald Trump’. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, idiots, News, Politics, science, Society

Family hospitalised as infectious yawn loop takes hold during ‘Les Miserables’.

yawning-childThe Nolan family from Harold are recovering in Dunstable General Infirmary today after a quiet evening in front of the telly almost turned to tragedy. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Health, idiots, Medicine, News

Office violence in Harold as ‘Best Ever Xmas Hits’ CD repeats for the 100th time.

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Peace on you.

With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.

Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Christmas, Crime, music, News, Society

“Air strike decision on hold until we decide what to call the bad people” – PM.

ISIS

Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria

David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.

The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, bombs, idiots, Labour, Law and Order, Media, News, Politics, Society, War

Joy as beloved dead bear’s head goes on display.

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Pooh – what’s that smell?

As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.

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Filed under Badgers, Children, Culture, Education, Media, News, Showbusiness, skeleton, Society, TV

BBC to remake the classic 1979 Election Special.

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The atmosphere was electric. Probably all the nylon.

Following the successful remake of 1970’s classics such as The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, Poldark and a militant left wing Labour Party, the BBC has announced that it is to reboot the 1979 BBC Election special as a 10 part serial. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Entertainment, Lifestyle, News, Nostalgia, Politics, Showbusiness

Woman fails to mention cancerous child and demented parent when complaining about her energy bill.

‘I’m going to write to Watchdog, blah, blah, blahdy blah….’

Breaking with years of well established tradition Mrs Fiona Warburton of Harold managed to complain to EDF about the accuracy of her energy bills without once mentioning her elderly mother’s advanced Alzheimer’s or her daughter’s terminal leukaemia. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Business, Children, idiots, Lifestyle, Media, News, Society, Technology

Is this Britain’s new biggest killer?

One of these will blow your mind…

The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.

He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Health, idiots, News, Social media, Society, spam, Technology

Relief as migrants start heading south for the winter.

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Who do you think you’re kidding?

European leaders have expressed their relief as hundreds of thousands of foreign migrants began the long trip south to their winter asylum seeking quarters. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, charity, Civil rights, Europe, News, Save The Children, Society, Travel, War, Weather