The Nolan family from Harold are recovering in Dunstable General Infirmary today after a quiet evening in front of the telly almost turned to tragedy. Continue reading
Tag Archives: health
Family hospitalised as infectious yawn loop takes hold during ‘Les Miserables’.
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Dr. Evans' Casebook, Health, idiots, Medicine, News
Village chubster ‘buoyed’ that exercise doesn’t reduce weight
Harold’s fattest man, Billy McKean, has welcomed today’s news that physical activity does not reduce obesity.
The British Journal of Sports Medicine says it’s time to “bust the myth” about exercise.
Most Villagers will know that McKean starred in the TV documentary ‘Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog’ and has himself done extensive research.
“If they’d only asked me first” says Billy “I could have saved them a lot of time. Are you going to eat all those chips?”
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Filed under breaking news, Health, News
Hinchingbrooke management ‘hadn’t expected lots of sick people’
“No, really. You’re welcome to it.” [Circle Holdings 2015]
The company is so upset that it’s decided to withdraw from Hinchingbrooke hospital but made it clear that it will continue with many other NHS deals. “Some are very profitable,” agreed Circle’s top Money-Wrangler Steve Melton “and in such cases it would clearly be unethical to let the public down.” Continue reading
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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Health, Medicine, News, Politics
Public urged to ‘save up’ serious injuries to take pressure off A&E
This man’s injuries weren’t considered budget-threatening.
People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.
Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.
“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”
An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.
“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, Health, Politics
Jeremy Hunt unveils plan to save NHS: ‘Can you lot stop using it?’
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has said he has found the answer to all of the NHS’s problem and has asked for the public’s help in fixing it.
“Stop using the bloody NHS” Mr Hunt pleaded in a press conference to announce his plans.
“Every time we sort a problem out, patients decide they need to use the service putting pressure on it and making us go backwards.
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Night-time light linked to obesity is usually ‘the fridge door light’
Might pies give off a gas which makes you fat?
Researchers studying a large group of women for 40 years say data collected shows the risk of obesity increases with over-exposure to any light-at-night, such as the problematic ‘light in the fridge’. Continue reading
Atos declares itself ‘unfit for work’
Atos will now spend its time smoking fags in front of a big telly.
Atos, a wheezing, fat company that scrounges cash from the government, has declared itself unfit for work.
The decision came after the firm failed to find its arse with both hands, and sweated to the point of passing out when asked to walk past a big pile of money.
“Atos has never really been capable of doing a great job”, admitted its employer Ian Duncan Smith. “But to be fair, that’s never really stopped me.”
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Filed under breaking news, Economy, Health, Politics
Fears for health of Pope Francis raises real possibility of Benedict’s resurrection
Back from the dead?
The Pope, 77, was seen in difficulties shortly after the start of the service and had to cut his sermon down to a mere 75 minutes.
Questions about his health have seriously raised the possibility of the return of Pope Benedict who resigned the papacy only last year, ironically due to health issues. Vatican insiders have suggested that Francis may be forced to take a break whilst he regains his strength, which has paved the way for a symbolic resurrection for Benedict in time for Easter.
Whilst Francis was portrayed as a vigorous youth when compared with his predecessor, it has to be acknowledged that in civilian life he would be regarded as an old codger who spends most of his time in post office queues grumbling about Eastern Europeans. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Religion
Do you want a vegetable-free diet? Try all new ‘PorQu’
The UK’s finest Vegetable substitute
Are you having trouble convincing your children to eat their vegetables? Are you a carnivore that struggles to get your recommended daily amount of meat? Are you just looking for a way to improve your evening meal? Then why not try PorQu.
Man dies after eating an Apple a day
To get 2 of his 5-a-day, the iPhones were on Orange
It is believed he initially visited his GP for a check up. As he was found to be a little on the morbidly obese side, Doctor Evans recommended he try eating fruit as a snack instead of a family size bar of Galaxy. As Mr Chavley walked out of the doctor’s room, an eyewitness tells us she heard the doctor say ” an apple a day keeps the doctor away”. “I couldn’t believe my ears” Mrs Sandy told us. “It was obvious that the man leaving the room had no idea what fruit was”.
Mr Chavley’s girlfriend made an emotional statement outside the family bedsit. ” We just wanted Wayne to lose a couple of stone. 20 stone was his target. When the doctor recommended an apple a day, we thought he meant iPhones and that. We robbed 4 different people of their stuff and nearly got arrested in Comet as we couldn’t afford all those things, but it was all to help Wayne.” Continue reading
New coronavirus means OH MY GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE, say scientists
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
According to a statement from the World Health Organisation, the latest strain of the fast-spreading coronavirus can be passed from person to person in close contact, meaning NO NO NO WE’RE ALL DEAD OH GOD NO PLEASE.
The organisation’s latest advice comes after several people in Saudi Arabia died from the virus, followed by a second man in France contracting it from human-to-human transmission OH JESUS IT’S GETTING CLOSER – FRANCE IS ALMOST HERE AND THERE’S A CHANNEL TUNNEL NOW OH GOD WHY DID WE BUILD IT WE’RE ALL DOOMED!
NCoV is known to cause pneumonia and kidney failure AND PROBABLY YOUR BRAIN TURNS TO MUSHY GOO AND STINKING MUSHROOMS COVER YOUR WHOLE BODY OH CHRIST I DON’T WANT TO DIE!
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