Iain and Iain looked at the election results and saw that they were very good
Emerging from the cupboard he’s been locked in throughout the election campaign Iain Duncan Smith has declared himself anxious to return to his “great project”.
“During the last Parliament I declared that anyone could live on £7 a day,” he said. “I reckon I can get that down to at least two quid before I’m done.”
There’s no denyin’ he’s just a dandylion
The launch of the Liberal Democrat manifesto ended in chaos earlier today when Nick Clegg revealed that he believes himself to be running for office not in England but in Oz.
Looking fetching in a lion costume Clegg said that the Lib Dems should be part of a new coalition government as they would “add a heart to a Conservative government and add a brain to a Labour one“. Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2015, Politics
Angry Birds publishers Rovio are under fire for implementing the cruellest redundancy package since Bluebeard. The company is laying off a significant proportion of its workforce having over-hired in the belief that people would never tire of their product. Prompting critics to wonder if they’ve ever actually met people and how they’ve failed to notice that we have such short attention spans most of us can’t even be bothered to properly complete our cheese Vietnam L.S Lowry tropical fish… Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
Being asked to point to a decent politician led to nothing but confusion
Iain Duncan Smith has become the first person in the public eye to refuse to do the ALS ice-bucket challenge.
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions had received thousands of nominations from the victims of Atos assessments and unfair benefit sanctions but has declined to take part.
The multi-millionaire was then asked how much he will donate the ALS Association as a forfeit however he made it clear that he wouldn’t be doing that either.
“Handouts are good for no one,” he said. “If people want a cure for ALS they should stop skiving and work for it.”
Duncan Smith said that he ultimately refused the challenge on health and safety grounds.
“I was told this challenge was about ice and water,” he said. “What those Atos shirkers had filled my bucket with was most definitely neither.”
Filed under Politics
Does the painting make anyone else think of Vigo the Carpathian?
In a speech today Iain Duncan Smith vowed to make more cuts to benefits and to introduce harder sanctions against the jobless including waterboarding and giving them spoilers for Game of Thrones. Continue reading
The Chancellor enjoying a good laugh
George Osborne’s attendance at the first of the Monty Python live shows has had an unforeseen consequence.
“I didn’t find the show funny at all,” the Chancellor said. “I don’t like men dressing up as women and talking in stupid voices. I like funny ladies like Mrs Brown. However I did find the contents inspiring.” Continue reading
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Filed under Economy, Entertainment
Duncan Smith and his shadow. That’s our ‘is vampire’ theory blown.
Iain Smith is today recovering in hospital having had a major operation. The surgery to remove the final traces of his compassion is believed to be the first of its kind.
“Iain Duncan Smith was rushed to St Mary’s Hospital, Westminster last night after complaining of feeling unwell,” said a Downing Street spokesperson. “It is believed he saw a picture of a rough sleeper that was used to illustrate a report on the rise in homelessness and instead of laughing as he normally would felt a brief twinge of concern.” Continue reading
Filed under Politics
Not equipped for work? Legally she can now make you go job hunting in your pants.
In a surprise move Iain Duncan Smith has announced that Atos, the company whose callousness made Lord Voldemort look like Michael Palin, will be replaced by “some PE teachers.”
Atos will now spend its time smoking fags in front of a big telly.
Atos, a wheezing, fat company that scrounges cash from the government, has declared itself unfit for work.
The decision came after the firm failed to find its arse with both hands, and sweated to the point of passing out when asked to walk past a big pile of money.
“Atos has never really been capable of doing a great job”, admitted its employer Ian Duncan Smith. “But to be fair, that’s never really stopped me.”
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Filed under breaking news, Economy, Health, Politics
A squirrel: infinitely more well-qualified than Iain Duncan Smith
A leaked document from the Department of Work and Pensions has shown that the government is preparing to ditch controversial French owned company Atos Healthcare. Now, The Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that from 2015 onwards the administration of fit-for-work tests for those in receipt of Employment and Support Allowance will be carried out by squirrels. Continue reading
Sadly for Harry outstanding courage and loyalty are no help when your enemy is the DWP.
Leaked copies of the eighth Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Atos Tribunal, have confirmed speculation that this new book will see the former boy wizard all grown-up and struggling with life in David Cameron’s Britain. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment, News
This location is more accessible to the disabled than more than fifty per cent of Atos assessment centres.
Later on today Iain Duncan Smith will announce that he is planning a massive shake-up of the welfare system which will see the Department of Work and Pensions end its controversial partnership with Atos, a private company that managed to make ‘fit for work’ the three most terrifying words in the English language since ‘Jimmy Savile’s here’, and instead work with the Grim Reaper from now on.
“Atos was just too slow,” Duncan Smith explained. “Despite their best efforts with the sick and disabled some are still alive. The Grim Reaper is going to deliver the results I really crave.” Continue reading
At least in Afghanistan there’s less chance of being caught up in a sing-a-long.
The Chancellor, George Osborne, will today announce the latest Spending Review in Parliament which will detail £11.5bn of cuts to Whitehall budgets. One of the more controversial aspects of this plan is the disbanding of the Royal Marines and their replacement with Wimbledon ball boys.
“The Royal Marines hold a unique position both in the military, and in public affection,” said Osborne. “They are incredibly effective at what they do and incredibly well-trained. Unfortunately they are also incredibly expensive.” Continue reading
This has better wheelchair access than over 50% of Atos test centres
Atos, the company which carries out work capability tests on those in receipt of benefits due to illness and/or disability, has announced that it is implementing a tougher test which will involve placing claimants in a wicker man.
Esther McVey, Conservative MP and Minister for Disabled People, spoke of her delight with the new system. “As I said in an interview earlier this year, this government is very generous to disabled people. Now after a long consultation of ten minutes minus the time it took to drink the coffee and enjoy a hobnob, I and my colleagues who are all able to work and whose basic salaries put us in the top five percent of wage earners in this country even before we’ve cracked open the treasure chest that is the MPs expense allowance have decided that that is not on.” Continue reading
Class 11C are about to get a hell of a shock.
The government has announced that from next year it will be fast-tracking soldiers without degrees into the nation’s state schools thanks to special courses that will allow soldiers to qualify as teachers in half the time that it normally takes. However head teachers are raising concerns about the suitability of ex-squaddies to teach and the curriculum changes that will have to be made in order to accommodate their expertise.
“It’s all right for David Laws to say ‘many members of our inspiring armed forces possess the skills and expertise relevant and transferable to the classroom – leadership, discipline, motivation and teamwork’ ” said Clive Morris head teacher of Harold Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive). “But once people leave the army all that tends to go out of the window and so we will have a generation of new teachers best suited to teaching alcoholism, homelessness, suicide, committing violent crimes, mental illness and domestic violence. All of which occur in disproportionately high numbers amongst ex-armed forces personnel.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Education, News, Politics
Is this man a danger to the public?
An attempt to prove that Atos assessments are fair and transparent spectacularly backfired today when the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Iain Duncan Smith, was declared unfit for work.
The assessor ruled that Duncan Smith lives largely in a fantasy world as evidenced by his misuse of statistics to prove points both in the media and the House of Commons and the lies which were present on his CV until a Newsnight exposé forced him to change it. Despite his highest qualifications merely being A’levels, Duncan Smith had claimed to be a graduate of the Universita di Perugia and to have been educated at Dunchurch College of Management. This inflation of his academic record was classified by Atos as being symptomatic of a severe case of an illness commonly known as a touch of the Archers. Continue reading
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