Atos declares itself ‘unfit for work’

Atos will now spend its time smoking fags in front of a big telly.

Atos, a wheezing, fat company that scrounges cash from the government, has declared itself unfit for work.

The decision came after the firm failed to find its arse with both hands, and sweated to the point of passing out when asked to walk past a big pile of money.

“Atos has never really been capable of doing a great job”, admitted its employer Ian Duncan Smith. “But to be fair, that’s never really stopped me.”

Despite the low standards it set itself in the first place, Atos has somehow failed to live up to them. “We had concentrated on a sort of moral disability, which enabled us to pretend that being able to fall from a chair or stand up without bleeding meant that you could hold down almost any job”, said Atos.

“But when we took the test ourselves, we discovered we’d sold the chair on ebay and that we couldn’t bleed if we wanted to. It’s a medical condition associated with having a cold, stony heart.”

Atos will now be able to claim benefits from the government, including a range of golden handshakes, lucrative contractual clauses and still getting to go for tea with the Prime Minister.

“We don’t like to think of ourselves as ‘unfit for work’, labels can be very disempowering”, said Atos. “It would be kinder to say we were ‘criminally incompetent’.”