You there, do you really need those crutches?
David Cameron has stopped tens of thousands of disabled people getting Motability transport as it’s unfair to rich people like himself.
“Some of us rich people like hoovering up public funds for our own families. Others are fat but receive no help getting into our big cars and Motability savings could pay for a whole fleet of gut winches. Once they’ve been invented.”
Duncan Smith hears the latest suicide figures for benefit claimants
An open letter from disability groups has been slammed by Iain Duncan Smith for ‘lacking substance’, meaning he can’t throw it in the waste-paper bin; one of the best bits of his job.
Duncan Smith explained how he’s eradicating poverty by eradicating the poor and now wants to roll out the same approach to the disabled.
“The current system only encourages people to be disabled. Continue reading
George and Dave listen to Labour’s response
The first Tory budget since 1996 aims for rich people to keep more of the cash they’ve got from poor people. “We’ve a lot of years to make up but it’s much much more than just revenge.” insists George Osborne.
“It’s also about stopping the poor getting any of the cash that belongs to us. Continue reading
Jobless former Liberal Democrat MPs are asking for just one more vote on benefit reform before their first appointment at the job centre on Tuesday.
Speaking after losing his seat to the SNP, Danny Alexander said he can now see the dangers of reducing benefits for those who find themselves out of work and thinks now would be a good time to reverse the cuts and sanctions he once supported.
Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
People in fat houses shouldn’t throw lard, Dave.
David Cameron has announced the next step in his war against people who aren’t him by saying that the obese, alcoholics and drug addicts will face benefit sanctions if they don’t get better and get working.
“It is not fair to ask hardworking taxpayers to fund the benefits of people who refuse to accept the support and treatment that could help them get back to a life of work,” the Prime Minister said. “While it’s perfectly fair to force hardworking taxpayers to bail out banks and my friends in the City because massively high-stakes gambling with money that isn’t yours is an addiction that we Tories cherish and support one hundred per cent.” Continue reading
Cameron and IDS explain how housing policy works, to a person with little money. “Hmm, subsidies aren’t really for poor people. Are you sure you have no shares you can sell?”
David Cameron has announced that a new Tory Government would build 100,000 new houses, to be sold at 20% under market value to first time buyers under 40.
“But they must be hard working people, this will be no something-for-nothing handout for lazy or even moderately well performing people” said the man who’s had everything in life presented to him on a silver salver, Continue reading
“Yes, you on the right with the big wallet. Did you have a question for me?”
David Cameron has clarified that it’s Tory supporters’ and city bankers’ families will most benefit from any future Government policies.
“I thought it best to make that clear, far enough ahead of the election for other people to forget it.”
Hundreds of thousands of households are causing a serious drain on public resources with ‘off the barometer’ dysfunctional behaviour, says Cameron.
The PM today announced a significant amendments to the Troubled Families programme, initially set up to help 120,000 seriously troubled families.
“We found money raised by hard-working taxpayers was propping up lazy, feckless idiots who were never going to vote Conservative anyway, however much we gave them. We’re now cutting out all that stuff.”
According to respected social commentator, Richard Littlejohn, Continue reading
Filed under breaking news, Election 2015, News, Politics
New proposals to pay benefit claimants onto cards that limit what the money can be used for will also be rolled out to MP expenses.
The scheme will ensure the ‘scroungers’ don’t waste taxpayers’ money by ensuring it is only used to but the essentials, and not on lavish dinners, homes for their parents and duck houses.
Continue reading
Does the painting make anyone else think of Vigo the Carpathian?
In a speech today Iain Duncan Smith vowed to make more cuts to benefits and to introduce harder sanctions against the jobless including waterboarding and giving them spoilers for Game of Thrones. Continue reading
Ed Miliband has announced Labour’s plans for welfare reform should they get into government at the general election.
Concentrating on those claiming Jobseekers Allowance he has promised Britain will have the most skilled and educated unemployed in Europe.
Continue reading
Not equipped for work? Legally she can now make you go job hunting in your pants.
In a surprise move Iain Duncan Smith has announced that Atos, the company whose callousness made Lord Voldemort look like Michael Palin, will be replaced by “some PE teachers.”
Atos will now spend its time smoking fags in front of a big telly.
Atos, a wheezing, fat company that scrounges cash from the government, has declared itself unfit for work.
The decision came after the firm failed to find its arse with both hands, and sweated to the point of passing out when asked to walk past a big pile of money.
“Atos has never really been capable of doing a great job”, admitted its employer Ian Duncan Smith. “But to be fair, that’s never really stopped me.”
Continue reading
Filed under breaking news, Economy, Health, Politics
A squirrel: infinitely more well-qualified than Iain Duncan Smith
A leaked document from the Department of Work and Pensions has shown that the government is preparing to ditch controversial French owned company Atos Healthcare. Now, The Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that from 2015 onwards the administration of fit-for-work tests for those in receipt of Employment and Support Allowance will be carried out by squirrels. Continue reading
At this range a good quality taser will get them up on their feet and dancing
Workers who are sick and off work for more than four weeks will soon get government sanctioned advice, to help them get back to the workplace. The Health and Work Service’s default advice will be ‘get back to work you idle sod or you’ll regret it’, although the new government-funded agency will also offer non-compulsory amateur medical assessments and d.i.y. treatment plans.
Duncan Smith believes a much-needed economic stimulus would be provided if the bedridden could be genitally-tasered and has personally volunteered to pull as many triggers as possible. Continue reading
Having a bit of trouble getting in is no reason not to attend work.
Iain Duncan Smith has stopped all benefits for people living in flooded areas after branding them all scroungers.
“Just because your home and community are underwater that’s no reason not to be making a contribution to society like millions of hard-working tax-payers up and down the country,” the Secretary for Work and Pensions said. “It has come to my attention that those in receipt of benefits and living in the worst hit areas for flooding are responsible for shockingly high rates of workplace and job centre absenteeism and this is unacceptable.” Continue reading
Filed under environment, News
Maybe it’s harder than it seems: photo shows the result of Duncan Smith being asked to point to his arse and his elbow.
In a speech yesterday Iain Duncan Smith announced that benefit recipients who aren’t in employment will become slaves as part of the Tory party’s “historic mission…to give people from chaotic lives security through hard work. And the security that they will get is knowing that the hard work will never end.” Continue reading
Ian Duncan Smith insists Universal Credit wouldn’t pour money into a black hole.
The government’s much-maligned Universal Credit reforms have again faced stinging criticism, this time from the gaseous creatures of Earth’s closest neighbouring star system.
Keen to avoid another u-turn, Ian Duncan Smith wants to keep the name ‘universal’ while making sure as few people as possible are eligible to claim.
In a compromise thrashed out with the Lib Dems, the benefit will be opened up to all known galaxies, but only to sentient beings that have lived in the UK for more than two years and that can speak English, Latin and Plutonian.
Continue reading
Comments Off on Universal Credit ‘a farce’ claim gaseous creatures of Alpha Centauri
Filed under Politics, Technology
Also willing to collect trolleys if necessary
Labour has said it will reverse controversial changes to housing benefit if it wins the next election, with the move set to be funded by Ed Miliband taking on a Saturday job working on the checkouts at Asda.
The Labour leader said that the so-called “bedroom tax” was “wrong, iniquitous and not working”, claiming that a commitment to reverse the policy showed that Labour offered a creditable alternative and could make a real difference in government. This comes as great news to fans of unsustainable borrowing. Continue reading
Iain Duncan Smith was almost unrecognisable
Duncan Smith said the idea came to him when he visited the Westminster McDonalds and he noticed that none of the employee of the month winners were still working there.
“There they were posing in a photo with a McDonalds uniform, a silly hat, and a forced smile” said Duncan Smith. “Obviously the humiliation of it all meant they soon got another job and left. We thought the same concept could work with beneficiaries.”
Continue reading
Comments Off on Iain Duncan Smith announces “unemployee of the month” awards to motivate beneficiaries
Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News
You want coins? You can’t handle the coins.
There was sadness and confusion in Harold as it became one of the first villages to trial the government’s new scheme of loading benefits onto a pre-paid card rather than paying them into bank or post office accounts. The cards are engineered to prohibit the buying of many items from alcohol to pet food to anything over a certain value.
“It’s horrible,” said Mark Keen, a full-time support worker at Piebald House. “The card makes me second-class. I work and pay taxes now there’s this Big Brothered thing that wont let me buy stuff. It’s humiliating plus The Squirrel Lickers is unbearable now. Can’t buy a pint and people with cash get to control the jukebox. Last time I was in Dominic Delaney kept putting James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful on and no one had a coin to break the flow.” Continue reading
Comments Off on Sadness as villagers receive benefits on prepaid cards
Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
You must be logged in to post a comment.