Category Archives: Election 2015

by | May 10, 2015 · 2:30 pm

“Next time I’ll leave cling film on toilet seat” says Liam Byrne

money left letter

Byrne after reading.

Liam Byrne has spoken of his remorse at the ‘sorry, there’s no money left’ note, which he left behind for Chancellor George Osborne.

In hindsight, Byrne admitted it was a crass thing to do, and vowed that in future, he would just leave clingfilm on the toilet.

“It wasn’t a very good joke, but no-one mentions the cress seeds I left in his carpet”, said Byrne. “That was a much better wheeze.”

“Or the 58 subscriptions to Readers Digest, or the 3 aircraft carriers with no aircraft to go on them”, he rued. “Classic.”
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by | · 8:57 am

Guardian journalists debate ‘where did Labour go wrong?’ over bottles of Krug NV Grand Cuveé

dancona champers

D’Ancona proposed a ‘bottoms up’ redistribution.

As the shock of Labour’s election rout slowly wears off, Guardian journalists are debating where it all went wrong over bottles of Champagne and sliced Parmigiano-Reggiano.

“I think Ed failed to connect with the worker people who do things with their hands, shop people, and the like” said Matthew d’Ancona after his third glass.

“He should have done more photo-ops with those Northern men who wear funny hats with a torch on them and go underground to get stuff. Then the worker hand-stuff people would have warmed to Ed and trusted him to spend their money wisely.”
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by | May 9, 2015 · 10:15 am

Miliband, Farage, Clegg, and Balls form Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act

Ed MilibandAfter what they say is a ringing endorsement from the British public, Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage, Nick Clegg, and Ed Balls have formed a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act.

“The people have spoken, and what they said was rather than govern the country, we want you to keep the flame of folk music alive in small intimate venues and the occasional low-key festival” said Ed Miliband. “It is quite an honour – I can’t wait till our first gig in what they call a ‘public house’ in Harold.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Guy Martin favourite to present Labour Party

guy martin

Guy Martin, and some packets of political promises.

Guy Martin is set to become the next Labour leader, if a bookies in Harold is to be believed.

Pulling ahead of Jodie Kidd and that shouty policeman from Life on Mars, Martin is odds-on favourite in the race to the red flag.

“What’s that chief?”, asked the adrenalin junkie, “leader of the pack? That’s not really my scene, I’m more of a racer than a moderate or a rocker.”
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by | May 8, 2015 · 11:58 am

Lib Dems ask for one more vote on out of work benefit reform

image Jobless former Liberal Democrat MPs are asking for just one more vote on benefit reform before their first appointment at the job centre on Tuesday.

Speaking after losing his seat to the SNP, Danny Alexander said he can now see the dangers of reducing benefits for those who find themselves out of work and thinks now would be a good time to reverse the cuts and sanctions he once supported.
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by | · 10:01 am

For Sale: Dead Weight

Stoned

Stoned

For Sale: Large public relations disaster inscribed with unconvincing and non specific half promises.

Would make the perfect gift for the former shadow chancellor in your life as he prepares for his new job as a landscape gardener, or simply to use as a swimming aid.

One previous owner. Selling due to lack of conviction and revised career plans. £9.00 ovno.

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by | · 4:00 am

Kim Jong Un congratulates SNP on North Korean-style win

image Kim Jong Un has been the first international leader to congratulate Nicola Sturgeon on her party’s success in Scotland in the General Election.

Following the type of victory in one country normally reserved for dictatorships, Mr Kim has said he was impressed at the lack of purging of political opponents involved in her landslide.

“I can’t help but get a general who fears for his life to take my hat off to her”, the North Korean leader said.
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by | May 7, 2015 · 7:00 am

Green vote hampered by lack of wind

sailing car

Some green voters consider drinking their own piss.

Harold’s Green candidate is expecting a voting collapse, as a lack of wind or sunshine hampers attempts to reach polling stations.

A few plucky voters have attempted to make it to the memorial hall by tide power, but being 150 miles inland has thwarted most efforts.

“This is very disappointing”, said Pippa Delaney. “We blame bias in the BBC’s weather department. “We asked for a squall, but this is barely a breeze.”
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by | May 6, 2015 · 11:00 am

John Major: ‘Don’t let Labour and SNP tear nation apart: Tories can do it cheaper’

major

‘Trust me. We’ll soon have this torn apart.’

John Major has warned voters that a Labour/SNP coalition would ruin the country at a much higher cost than the Conservatives.

“When it comes to asset stripping and smashing glorious institutions into tiny pieces, the private sector has a lot more experience”, said Sir John.

“While we’re sure that Alex Salmond and Ed Miliband are more than capable of ruining almost anything, you have to ask yourself, ‘at what cost?’
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by | May 5, 2015 · 7:00 am

Ed Balls touches pledge stone; picks up bone

ball stone

Must. Smash. Bankers.

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has finally been spotted in public, running in a loping gait and clutching a femur.

In a security lapse, Balls slipped into an area where the press were present, and touched a mysterious stone monolith left there by a weird alien.

“At that point, Balls made a startling transformation”, one reporter told us. “He stopped flinging his muck, and demonstrated rudimentary tool use.”

The reclusive ‘attack chimp’ first used the bone to scratch at his bottom, before stoving in the head of someone who looked a bit ‘wealthy’.
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by | May 4, 2015 · 8:26 am

UK meets EU recycling target thanks to UKIP leaflets

ukip leaflet

Farage hopes to see more rotten leaflets.

Irony has given Nigel Farage another kick in the goolies this week with news that the UK has met the target dictated by Brussels for recycling as much rubbish as possible, thanks mainly to millions of anti-European UKIP leaflets going straight in the bin.

European Environment Commissioner Karmenu Vella travelled by EuroStar to Thanet, where he caught up with Nigel Farage who was there on election campaign business.

“I have come to thank you personally, Monsieur Fromage (sic),” the Commissioner told him, “for your generous contribution of paper-based rubbish which tipped the balance and made the UK do as it’s told for once.”

The Commissioner then pinned a badge on Farage’s coat, depicting the EU emblem with the words “I did my bit for Europe” underneath. A modest Farage blushed excessively on receiving the award and, mouth agape, was lost for words, while two of his heavies accidentally both punched the Commissioner believing him to be a common assailant m’lud.
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by | May 2, 2015 · 7:32 am

Sturgeon urges Miliband to choose ‘safeword’

sturgeon

Sturgeon carries Miliband over the line.

Nicola Sturgeon is encouraging Ed Miliband to choose a ‘safeword’, which would let her know when he wants her to stop fucking him.

“We’re having a lot of fun with our power games”, said Sturgeon, “but I sense a bit of reluctance on his part. And that might be because we haven’t set out the boundaries.”

Sturgeon has felt a surge in her ballot box recently, although she worries that it may be at the expense of her partner’s enjoyment. For his part, Miliband still insists that he is capable of coming first.
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by | April 29, 2015 · 2:00 pm

Farage ‘rethinks immigration policy’ after door slammed in face

pub_landlord_farage

Farage downs another policy.

Until now, UKIP campaigners have welcomed the slamming of doors in their faces as a strong signal in favour of their policy of slamming doors in people’s faces.

“It’s been seen as symbolic support,” say political analysts “of UKIP’s policy of shutting people out.”

But now, a fresh interpretation of the door-slamming gesture has been put forward which undermines UKIP’s positive spin.
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by | April 28, 2015 · 11:45 am

Ed Balls is safe and will be released after the Election

Barred from the election campaign

Barred from the election campaign

Following mounting concern amongst Ballsfandom followers at Ed Ball’s absence from the political front line, the Labour Party’s publicity machinery has clanked into life to assure Balls fans that their hero is alive and well and will be seen again soon after the General Election.

“Other than Ed himself, there is nothing sinister about Ed’s disappearance,” said a pro Miliband Labour spokesperson. “He has been told to concentrate on his next budget and to help him with this we’ve provided him with all the things he needs like a safe and secure house, several minders and his usual six square meals a day.” Continue reading →

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by | April 26, 2015 · 6:51 pm

Harold’s last traditional Wind Farm faces closure as wind prices hit all time low.

British Wind for British People

British Wind for British People

There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.

Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading →

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by | · 6:15 am

Cameron promises wife ‘smaller dishes pile and less net dust’

"Coming soon - these birds won't antagonise themselves""

“Coming soon – these birds won’t antagonise themselves””

In a bid to get wife Sam to stick with him for another term, David Cameron promised he will attack the dishes pile and really get on top of the dust despite not making much progress on either of these chores over the last 5 years.

“Gordon left a huge mountain of dishes when he left number 10 and I’ve done really well to stop the pile getting too much bigger” explained the PM.

“And the percentage of dirty to clean dishes has actually decreased over my watch, due to a clever quantitative easing approach I call ‘buying new dishes’.”
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by | April 25, 2015 · 5:40 pm

CORRECTIONS: Cameron clarifies soccerball allegiance

cameron with wine

“And a Steak Pie & chips my good man and make it snappy; the fourth quarter is about to start”

Well know sports enthusiast and part-time Prime Minister, David Cameron, has been discussing his ability to support multiple teams such as England, UK and GB “For instance, I’m a true-blue West Ham fan but that doesn’t stop me supporting Liverpool Rangers when they’re competing in the Eurasian Cup.”

The Prime Minister’s spokeman  later clarified that in fact Mr Cameron is a Villa fan and must have suffered from Brain Fade when referring to his support for ‘The West Hamsters.

“I’ve supported Villa Rovers since I was a lad” said the old Etonian; “nothing like standing at The Shed end singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ to the world-famous recording by Freddie and the Dreamers.”

“Happy Days eh? Oh look, another spontaneous low-brow cultural reference! The Fonce was my absolute favourite, with his shaven head and lollipop sucking. ‘Who loves ya baby’ – I just loved that catchphrase.”

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by | April 24, 2015 · 2:00 pm

David Cameron growing beard to chase youth vote

David_Cameron_beard

Cutting edge

Prime Minister David Cameron has spent the last few weeks secretly growing a beard in a desperate attempt to capture the ‘hipster’ trend sweeping the nation, it emerged today.

The real reason for Cameron avoiding the recent TV dates has been revealed to be nothing to do with being a great big coward with indefensible policies – instead it is simply that the Prime Minister has not wanted to risk unveiling his fledgling growth until its development is beyond ridicule.

“Our researchers tell us that this new ‘hipster’ movement is the key to really getting down with the young generation,” a Downing Street spokesman explained. “These young ‘hepcats’ are going to look at David’s facial hair and see something of themselves in it.”

The suggestion that Cameron might actually be a little bit late in jumping on the hipster bandwagon was rejected by the Prime Minister: “I’m hip and I’m hop, and if the beard doesn’t convince you, wait until you see my amazing new pair of red trousers!” he insisted.

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by | · 11:00 am

Joy as Ed Balls passes GCSE maths

ed balls

Balls will now concentrate on trying to learn from history.

Ed Balls has given the Labour election campaign a powerful boost, after announcing he has finally passed GCSE maths.

The shadow chancellor has resat the tough exam 32 times, “which is an even number”, the newly-confident maths-whizz revealed.

But it was 30-ish times lucky for Balls, who finally has a ‘strong pass’ in one of the key qualifications any economist would strive for.

“We’ve put it on the fridge, so visiting dignitaries can see it”, said Balls. “Alex Salmond was so impressed, he gave me two pounds to spend on sweets. Just think, I could buy a penny chew every day for a year.”
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by | April 22, 2015 · 6:50 am

Did Ed Balls write ‘Ed Balls’ on SNP Wiki page?

Ed Balls

Ed Balls

Labour’s top mathematician has been accused of editing the wikipedia entry for Nicola Sturgeon, after his name was spotted in several places on her page.

The shadow chancellor admitted to perusing her slot, but only to find out if she’d said anything nice about him.

“I was reading her entry, trying to find out if she likes me, when I suddenly found myself in a ‘text altering’ situation”, said Balls.

“Obviously, this was in between some routine searches for my own name in Google, and I think somewhere along the line, that search engine screwed up.”
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