Farron briefly wakes up, half way through one of his own speeches
Footage appearing to show a politician nodding off at the controls of a political party is being “urgently investigated”.
The clip, apparently captured on a mobile phone in November, was sent to the Sun ‘newspaper’. It had been recorded about eighteen months from the derailment of his predecessor’s career.
In the 30-second clip, the leader – who is not the other dozy one who was involved in the last electoral disaster – appears to drift in and out of sleep as his party trundles along towards total destruction.
He is seen apparently struggling to remain upright, and members of the public can be heard expressing shock, or asking ‘who the hell is that?’ as the party approaches the awful possibility of a snap 2017 election.
Filed under News, Politics
It’s true. He’s got the scar and everything.
A furious Nick Clegg has taken to social media today to refute allegations that his new book Between the Extremes is less credible than the guy who works down the chip shop who swears he’s Elvis. Continue reading
Hold on, what was the name of that guy in the cabinet who could have stopped them?
Nick Clegg’s says his forthcoming book will lift the lid on former Tory partners. “The public will be shocked to learn that they were inveterate liars and cheats. Plus IDS was also thick. By the way, I’ve got a new book out.”
Blue Peter badge holder, former ‘deputy prime minister’ and coalition gimp, Clegg reveals that Theresa May made up immigration figures, whilst George Osborne didn’t have a clue Continue reading
After what they say is a ringing endorsement from the British public, Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage, Nick Clegg, and Ed Balls have formed a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act.
“The people have spoken, and what they said was rather than govern the country, we want you to keep the flame of folk music alive in small intimate venues and the occasional low-key festival” said Ed Miliband. “It is quite an honour – I can’t wait till our first gig in what they call a ‘public house’ in Harold.”
Jobless former Liberal Democrat MPs are asking for just one more vote on benefit reform before their first appointment at the job centre on Tuesday.
Speaking after losing his seat to the SNP, Danny Alexander said he can now see the dangers of reducing benefits for those who find themselves out of work and thinks now would be a good time to reverse the cuts and sanctions he once supported.
There’s no denyin’ he’s just a dandylion
The launch of the Liberal Democrat manifesto ended in chaos earlier today when Nick Clegg revealed that he believes himself to be running for office not in England but in Oz.
Looking fetching in a lion costume Clegg said that the Lib Dems should be part of a new coalition government as they would “add a heart to a Conservative government and add a brain to a Labour one“. Continue reading
While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.
Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.
Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.
“Nick! Nick! Nick!”
Gathering places all over the UK are today thronged with delirious well-wishers do due to the Lib Dems officially launching their election campaign.
“It’s what we’ve all been waiting for,” yelled a drunken reveller in the crowd at Trafalgar Square. “The Lib Dems on the streets, promising anything and everything so they can stay in power.” Continue reading
Nick hears the call
Greece’s Prime Minister has asked David Cameron for Nick Clegg on loan, as he prepares for a massive climb down on pledges which brought him election success.
The untried Greek government has no experience of being in power and wants a seasoned u-turner behind the scenes to help with excuses.
“Nick is going to be out of contract in May anyway” said Cameron “so we’re lending him out a couple of months early, for 30 hours a week, as a condition of his JSA payment.”
Meanwhile Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis said he would ‘work night and day until Monday’ to devise the list of reforms. “Except for the weekend, obviously. No-one works weekends in Greece.”
Nick Clegg has applied to the Ecuadorian Embassy for asylum so he can escape a political beating in May. It is expected that Mr Clegg will be subject to public political humiliation come the general election
“If Assange can hide from the Swedish courts and remain the head of Wikileaks by withering away in a central London room, then why can’t I hide away and still get to be deputy prime minister,” Clegg argued
Filed under News, Politics
Can he fix it? No, he can’t
Nick Clegg has cancelled an order for 500 business cards advertising his skills as a low-level bodger, after being declared the leader of a ‘major political party’.
“This is brilliant news,” said Clegg from his caravan in the gardens of Number 10. “I didn’t know anyone was listening to me, other than that lady who I quoted for painting her fence, some time after April.”
The move means Clegg will be allowed to appear in a series of TV debates. “It’s vital for putting my point across’,” he declared.
“No job too small, references available. White washing a speciality. Should I mention I do removals? How far away is Chipping Norton?”
After a Tory MP was pictured playing Candy Crush during a commons committee hearing, Nick Clegg has been caught out playing the childish game of ‘grown-ups’ during important cabinet meetings.
The Lib Dem leader has regularly been seen picking out a suit from the Number 10 dressing up box and trying to join in big person conversations, although the response from the other members of the coalition has often been frosty at best.
Not a suitable role model
Convicted rapist Ched Evans has urged the public to “think really long and hard” before voting for Nick Clegg again in upcoming elections.
Evans, a Wales international footballer who was jailed in 2012 for raping a 19-year-old woman, said “When you elect an MP, you are not just taking on a representative for your community, you are electing a role model. You have to ask yourself ‘do this man’s actions over the last few years make him the sort of person we want our kids looking up to?’ and I would suggest the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Clegg half-heartedly eating a knuckle sandwich.
The Liberal Democrats have warned voters that there will be no future sell-out to the Tories, unless they actually elect some of his Lib Dem MPs.
The stark warning came as Clegg brushed aside questions about bedroom tax, tuition fees, bombing foreign countries, sex abuse cover-ups and actual moral fortitude. Instead, he read out the frequency his radio show is broadcast on and promised to do a fun quiz.
“A protest vote for us can still serve a purpose”, said Clegg. “A ‘vote for yellow’ is a vote for disappointment, a vote for underlining your disgust with the current voting system. A vote for highlighting the abject futility of voting.”
In an embarrassing moment at the Liberal Democrat conference, leader Nick Clegg ‘did a Miliband’ and forgot a major detail in a speech – the last four and a half years.
“The Tories have run this country into the ground since the last election”, he told delegates.
“Raising tuition fees, not funding free school dinners properly, and having a deputy prime minister more interested in power than doing the best for the country shows they can’t be trusted for another five years.
Nick Clegg has accused Theresa May of making “false and outrageous” slurs over her conference speech claim that he is a thumping great weasel who wouldn’t know a genuine political conviction if one woke him up tomorrow with croissants and an especially tender kiss. Continue reading
He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very spineless boy
After last Sunday’s sell-out success by Monty Python, the Liberal Democrats have announced that before they get annihilated in the general election they too are going to say goodbye to fans with a show at the O₂.
“Critics are saying that it will be embarrassing and that we are simply not up to performing at this level,” said Nick Clegg at a press conference today. “But we intend to put on a hell of a show. Vince Cable is practising his dancing, and Danny Alexander can’t wait to drag-up as an hugely unconvincing member of the Cabinet and talk nonsense in a stupid voice once again.” Continue reading
Or maybe re-brand it as a submarine?
Disappointed salvage workers say the wrecked former-radical political party, the good ship ‘Liberal Democrats’, remains firmly glued to the sea-bed, on which it’s been resting for four years.
The enormous sunken turd – target of one of the biggest political salvage operations in history – is only just registering a pulse in the opinion polls.
Senior LibDems still believe that re-shuffling the deckchairs and the bags of wind already on board Continue reading
Did it just ring? No? Must have been crickets.
Nick Clegg has claimed his mobile has been hijacked by hackers, after it failed to ring for the fifth consecutive day.
Despite there being no ransom message or changes to the basic functions of Clegg’s iPhone, no-one has contacted him for nearly 120 hours.
‘There’s definitely something wrong with it’, revealed Clegg, as he checked his voicemail again. ‘I’m sure Vince Cable would have called by now to tell me I’m doing a good job.’
‘And there should definitely be some text messages from all my ex-MEPs, thanking me for my hard work, dedication and support.’
Clegg has tried making a handful of outgoing calls, but told us that this wasn’t working either.
Better days: Dave ‘n’ Nick setting up political home together in 2010
It’s May and election results are pouring in. To be honest they’re not looking that good for the Conservatives. Just like four years ago, hey? Except as the sun began to rise on that particular May morning I realised how attractive you were, you had that elusive ‘enough seats so I could be Prime Minister’ quality that no one else did which combined with your lack of shame and political convictions made you irresistible. Continue reading