Author Archives: waylandsmithy

by | December 8, 2015 · 11:30 am

US stealth ship ‘can play Springsteen a bit quieter’

stealth

BOOOORN IN THE USA, I WAS…oh, sorry.

A new $4bn US ‘stealth’ warship can go into battle almost undetected, thanks to a breakthrough in playing Bruce Springsteen tracks a little quieter.

“Until now, the US Navy has struggled to stealthily police the world’s oceans”, explained marine engineer Chuck Cousteau, “without the enemy picking up traces of ‘Born in the USA’.”

Using a special graphene ‘towel’, the new vessel can ‘muffle’ its PA system, allowing the destroyer to creep around as quietly as a modest jazz frigate.
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by | December 4, 2015 · 11:19 am

Dashcam videos replace holiday snaps as top reason not to visit neighbours

Wait, wait...this bit's good...

Wait, wait…this bit’s good…

Compilation videos of three and half hours of ‘hilarious’ minor traffic offences are the reason some people will have no visitors this Christmas.

That’s the claim of a report that found a causal link between dashcam ownership and self-righteous, pompous behaviour.

“In the past, once the sherry glasses had been handed out, you knew you were in for endless photo albums that showed Simon and Heather have better holidays than us”, said Harold’s Nigel Hostage.

“But now, it’s clips of their neighbour crossing a single white line, or stopping with their rear wheels in a box junction”, sighed Hostage. “From the evidence of this film, it’s clear they followed her all the way to Devon.”
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by | December 3, 2015 · 11:29 am

Labour activists to defeat ISIL by bullying them on Twitter

#itstheonlylanguagetheyunderstand

#itstheonlylanguagetheyunderstand

As Jeremy Corbyn insisted that the fanaticism of ISIL will not be defeated by bombs, party activists claimed they can only be tackled by bullying them on social media.

“Tweeting that they ‘might want to watch out’, or posting their home address on Facebook, will soon undermine their resolve”, explained party activist Seamus Gott.

“Or we could shout the same slogan over and over again outside their bedroom window, all through the night”, Gott mused. “That should get the message across that we don’t value their opinions.”
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by | December 2, 2015 · 10:30 pm

Rousing bombing display by Red Arrows heals parliamentary rift

red arrows

Oooh! Aaaah! Aaaargh!

The first sortie against Daesh forces in Syria has been applauded across all parties, after it was completed by the Red Arrows streaming patriotic smoke.

The world-famous display team drew croweds of admirers, before accidentally killing a family of seven while flying in the diamond formation.

But the survivors really enjoyed the bit where they flew at each other and swerved at the last minute; “My mum would have loved that”, gasped one survivor, “if she hadn’t been blown up a few seconds earlier.”
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by | · 11:00 am

Corpse of Marilyn Monroe ‘now thin enough to model’

skeleton

Cheek bones to die for.

Marilyn Monroe’s skeleton could be signed by a top modelling agency, if her estate agrees to a couple of ribs being removed.

Once notorious for her hideously three-dimensional body, Marilyn’s latest ‘diet’ has brought her tantalisingly close to being slim enough for modern fashion tastes.

“We wouldn’t have signed her when she was alive, she was just too ‘flesh and bone'”, said fashion mogul Karl Masstasi. “But now she’s all bone, she can easily fit into our dresses. Once we’ve shaved down her pelvis.”
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by | December 1, 2015 · 10:30 am

‘Monster’ sprouts ‘basically small cabbages’

sprouts

If you chop them finely, they take up less room in the bin.

Suppliers responsible for this year’s ‘monster’ sprouts have denied that they’re actually disappointing little cabbages.

“People buy sprouts out of a sense of nostalgia, or to please the Baby Jesus”, explained Harold’s Phil Evans. “And until now, they’ve been the main reason Bedfordshire exists.”

Despite their wretched taste and ability to put a downer on even a sausage wrapped in bacon, millions of households across Britain did their duty, and bought the spiteful little vegetables every Christmas.
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by | · 6:56 am

Anti-terror police raid Westminster address after tip-off 500 planning bombing campaign

"We just thought they were blood-sucking leeches" said shocked locals

“We just thought they were blood-sucking leeches” said shocked locals

Anti-terror police say they have raided a Westminster address known as the House of Commons and arrested 500 people on suspicion of planning a genocidal bombing campaign in Syria after a tip-off from a 66 year-old Islington informer.

The majority of the people arrested belong to the well known terrorist group ‘the Tories’ who have been launching attacks on domestic targets such as the NHS and disabled people for years.

But alarmingly the Tories have recently been joined by a dangerous splinter group called ‘Tory lite’ who have links to fugitive war criminal Tony Blair.
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by | November 27, 2015 · 10:13 am

Kim Jong-un orders North Koreans to weigh 25 stone

Kim reveals the secret to his remarkable figure.

Kim reveals the secret to his remarkable figure.

In an attempt to bring homogeny to the people of North Korea, Kim Jong-un has decreed that all citizens will weigh ‘around 25 stone’.

Already resplendent in the haircut of the Dear Leader, the entire population is expected to treble in weight ‘as swiftly as possible’.

“Respected Comrade Kim Jong-un has blessed us with his wobbling image of beauty”, announced the Politburo. “He has worked tirelessly through our buttered lobster reserves to become ‘larger than life’ for all our benefit.”
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by | November 26, 2015 · 2:18 pm

Osborne’s u-turns on lunch order enters third day

George-Osborne_2352896bA prominent politician has left a woman that serves gruel at her wit’s end, after repeatedly ordering the special and then insisting on steak.

‘Goodbye Gruel World’, a thin porridge emporium in Shoreditch, has been trying to turn Osborne’s table since Tuesday.

“When Mr Osborne came in, he was wearing an ashen sack, and asked if we could water our gruel down”, said Sandy Hampstead.

“But when I tried to serve it to him, he enquired as to ‘what the eff it was’, and pretended he’d ordered chateau briand.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Food banks to open ‘mortgage banks’

foodbank

Man cannot live by rental income alone.

The charities behind food banks are planning to branch out, to help landlords targeted by the chancellor.

Some landlords are down to their last nine or ten houses, and the latest tax increase could hamper their Christmas cruises or trips into space.

“While we do hand out beans and things to people who, on the face of it, are quite poor”, explained Pippa Delaney, “it’s come to our attention that the people who own their homes are also struggling.”
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by | November 25, 2015 · 10:00 am

Light saber condoms ‘a step too far’ admits Disney

light saber

Is that a Yoda in your pocket? Or do you have a serious medical condition?

Disney has admitted that their Star Wars franchise may have cocked up, as it rolled out a new light saber condom.

Available in Jedi Green, or red for those who want to explore the dark side, the prophylactic is lubricated to reduce science friction.

But consumer groups have complained that the sheath is a wholly inappropriate way to get inside fans and build excitement about the franchise.
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by | November 24, 2015 · 2:23 pm

Tesco delivers 24-piece dinner set – in 48 separate pigs’ anuses

plateIn a surprise turn of events, a dinner service from Tesco has been delivered in nearly 50 porcine rectums.

Normally, excess packaging wouldn’t warrant widespread reporting, but the porky bumhole nature of these parcels brought them to everyone’s attention.

London couple David and Samantha Cameron ordered the plates and slightly smaller plates from the low-budget supermarket, in an attempt to woo working class guests.

“When the little lorry turned up, I was quite surprised to find a side plate wrapped in a still-warm colon”, said Samantha. “But I thought to myself ‘I suppose this is what happens if you don’t order from Selfridges’, and carried on unwrapping.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Spiralling Trident cost ‘down to supply and demand’ reassures Osborne

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by | November 18, 2015 · 1:46 pm

BBC retains rights to pocket billiards

Lineker warming up.

Lineker, wearing his helmet.

In a coup for the corporation, the BBC has managed to beat off some stiff competition, and retain the rights to pocket billiards.

Despite facing the loss of football, Formula 1, rugby, cricket, MotoGP, the boat race, the Grand National, darts and snooker, pocket billiards remains firmly in Auntie’s grasp.

“They’ve asked me to do they commentary”, said Gary Lineker, while jingling some change.”It’s not my speciality, but I think I can pull it off.”
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by | November 16, 2015 · 9:30 am

Health charities slam Domino’s new ‘pizza smoothie’

smoothie

27 of your one a week.

Public health charities are up in arms following Domino’s launch of the ‘pizza smoothie’.

The drink, which consists of three slices of pizza blended with ice-cream and a banana, is being touted as a ‘healthy breakfast’ by the firm, despite containing more than 5,000 calories.

The smoothie is the latest escalation in pizza technology. Dr Oswald Gruber, chief cheese dynamicist for Pizza Hut, started the process when he invented a high pressure cheese lance, capable of forcing super-heated Monterey Jack into any crevice. The ‘cheese-stuffed crust’ was born, closely followed by the Rennie topping.
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by | November 15, 2015 · 8:00 am

‘Much loved’ missing car found 10 years later with skeleton inside

pool car

‘Does anyone mind if I borrow the pool car?’

A car that’s been missing for over 10 years has been found in a pond, with a dead man inside it.

The much-cherished car, a low mileage 1983 Buick Riviera with the desirable landau roof option, had belonged to an elderly man who went missing at around the same time.
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by | November 13, 2015 · 10:00 am

Hamilton blames crash on road cars ‘being so much faster than F1’

Insurance assessors were quickly on the scene to add storage charges.

Insurance assessors were quickly on the scene to add storage charges.

Lewis Hamilton has collided with a parked car in a conventional saloon, after being caught out by its ‘breath taking’ speed.

“Obviously, my company car is a hybrid, and if I go too fast I might run out of fuel or my tyres could go pop”, claimed Hamilton.

“So when I got behind the wheel of a normal vehicle, I think I got a bit giddy.”

Hamilton had been trying to keep a Mercedes behind him at the time of the crash, but was held up by a parked car travelling at roughly the same speed as a McLaren.
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by | November 12, 2015 · 2:08 pm

Ebola nurse urges Glaswegians to stop eating bush meat

Risky, but at least it's not salad.

Risky, but at least it’s not salad.

A nurse who was cured of ebola, only to contract it again on returning to Scotland, has urged Glaswegians to stop eating bush meat.

Morag McClough had been working in Sierra Leone when she first contracted the disease, where she was treating people who had been infected after eating tainted chimp meat.

But after being cured, McClough caught it again on her return to Glasgow, possibly from a very, very similar source.

“That’ll teach me to forage for native species, armed only with a blow pipe”, quipped McClough. “But in all seriousness, I only ordered a skinny capuchin without any shots, from a slightly dodgy-looking street café.”
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by | November 11, 2015 · 7:00 am

Rise of LSD could make prog rock popular again, warns expert

yes album

No. No. No.

An expert who personally survived a ‘Yes’ album has warned that LSD is a ‘gateway’ to progressive rock.

With reports that the drug has come back into fashion, Dr Bob Wyatt described how this could lead to an interest in albums on which considerably more time has been spent on the cover art than on the actual music.

“To someone who has taken acid, all those dragons and unicorns can seem pretty appealling”, warned Wyatt. “But before you put that record on, it’s important to remember you’re on drugs.”
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by | November 10, 2015 · 1:00 pm

John Lewis inundated with requests to send relatives to moon

john lewis

“You’re right dear; the turkey does look a bit dry.”

Balloon sales at John Lewis have gone through the roof, thanks to an advertising campaign to send unwanted old people to the moon.

With the moon now reachable using just helium and ribbons, nice middle-class families are hoping for a relatively relative-free Christmas.

“I was dreading another year of having to ignore rude comments about my cooking”, said Pippa Delaney. “But with nan approximately 385,000 kilometres away in a prograde elliptical orbit, we should be able to stand for the Queen’s speech in silence this year, without anyone calling her a slut.”
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