Tag Archives: ebola

by | November 12, 2015 · 2:08 pm

Ebola nurse urges Glaswegians to stop eating bush meat

Risky, but at least it's not salad.

Risky, but at least it’s not salad.

A nurse who was cured of ebola, only to contract it again on returning to Scotland, has urged Glaswegians to stop eating bush meat.

Morag McClough had been working in Sierra Leone when she first contracted the disease, where she was treating people who had been infected after eating tainted chimp meat.

But after being cured, McClough caught it again on her return to Glasgow, possibly from a very, very similar source.

“That’ll teach me to forage for native species, armed only with a blow pipe”, quipped McClough. “But in all seriousness, I only ordered a skinny capuchin without any shots, from a slightly dodgy-looking street café.”
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by | October 29, 2014 · 11:00 am

Obama calls for ‘care in the community’ for Ebola patients

obama breathes

“What? This old thing? It’s just something I happened to throw on.”

Barack Obama has rounded on ‘inhumane’ scientific quarantine procedures being used to tackle Ebola, and instead called for care in the community.

“Margaret Thatcher showed us that the people best qualified to tackle mental illness was the postman; the greengrocer; the less terrified of the neighbours”, said Obama. “And it’s just the same for people who might have Ebola.”

“Tents and respirators can be scary, whereas wondering around our cities and mass transport systems as if nothing is wrong can really calm a person down. There’s no need to be confined indoors, at least until you start bleeding from your anus.”

Obama called on Americans to be ‘neighbourly’ to those who might be feeling a little under the weather from the killer disease.
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by | October 21, 2014 · 12:45 pm

Badgers demand human cull to prevent spread of Ebola

Revenge? Moi?

Revenge? Moi?

Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.

“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”

“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but Continue reading →

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by | October 10, 2014 · 2:30 pm

What is the link between UKIP and Ebola? Your questions answered

A grim faced Returning Officer prepares to deliver verdict at Clacton.

Clacton’s returning officer last night

There has been a good deal of misinformation and hype about the dreadful and horrific killer Ebola plague. We try to separate the facts from the Daily Mail.

Where does it come from?  The virus emanates from fruit bats in regions of Africa. At some point it seems to have crossed over to humans.

Does that mean that batty people are more likely to contract it? We believe this is possible. Symptoms include eccentricity and joining UKIP.

Will there be screening? Some limited screening is being undertaken with Tories MPs regularly checked. However, following the Clacton by-election there are fears that it may have spread to the general public. Continue reading →

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by | October 9, 2014 · 3:04 pm

Talks planned to get ISIS and Ebola to fight each other

IMG_0213.JPG The UK and US have taken the lead in fighting Ebola and ISIS and arranged talks between the two to see if they fancy fighting each other.

“We just getting tired of getting involved in wars we can’t win,” foreign secretary Philip Hammond said.

“But ISIS and Ebola can’t get enough of the whole killing thing. For ISIS it’s in their blood, and as for Ebola it’s also in saliva and urine.”
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by | October 8, 2014 · 11:30 am

Latest news-umping craze takes over BBC News website

BBC top 10The latest craze of bumping old stories to prominence on media websites has reached new heights with every item this morning of the Most Popular section on the BBC News website being an archived piece, including a rare report on the revulsion of the Islam world following the beheading of Anne Boleyn in 1536.

Fans of the craze, known as News-Umping, use social media to boost old stories which are often more interesting than the current headline news.  Exponents are proudly geeky since considerable research is required to locate old articles.

“It needs a good deal of work as google only goes back about 15 years,” said one young newsumper from behind a bushy beard and thick horn rimmed spectacles Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

No Ebola in UK: Daily Mail heartbroken

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“Why is everyone so healthy, dammit?” Paul Dacre

It’s a global health crisis that’s slowly but surely breaking the heart of the nation’s scaremonger-in-chief, Paul Dacre. The editor of the Daily Mail is reported to be barely a shadow of himself as day after day Ebola fails to appear in the UK. Continue reading →

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by | October 2, 2014 · 2:57 pm

Is Ebola spread by Facebook huggzz?

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“I hate being perfectly healthy, I have to work so much harder for attention.”

The World Health Organisation is investigating evidence that Ebola can be spread by vague platitudes and insincere sympathy posted on Facebook.

“I updated my status to ‘Feel fluey, legs ache. Blood running from my eyes’,” one Ebola sufferer told us. “I got four comments within five minutes saying ‘Awww bless. Huggz.’ now those people have Ebola too.” Continue reading →

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by | September 20, 2014 · 10:06 am

UK sees first cases of ‘man-Ebola’

couch-potatoWives and girlfriends are on high alert as reports emerge of an outbreak of ‘man-Ebola’ in the UK. The man-Ebola virus is so debilitating that men have lain stricken on the couch for weeks on end, unable to do anything more than watch Game of Thrones and football on telly.
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by | August 4, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Red faced Government officials admit stockpiling antivirus software to deal with Ebola

anti virEmbarrassed Whitehall chumps have admitted that they ordered vast quantities of software from an antivirus specialist to prevent the nation’s computer systems being destroyed by the Ebola virus, ignorant of the fact that the virus was a human infection.

Last night officials were insisting that the correct procedures had been followed whilst recognising that the antivirus software was “probably ineffective” against the killer virus currently rampaging in West Africa. Continue reading →

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