Tag Archives: Daily Mail
The baby, born of course to a British mother, has no idea what it is doing in a refugee camp in Syria, and if it could talk, would probably be quite saddened at its minimal life expectancy should it stay where it is.
Its mother, Shamima Begum, was 15 when she left the UK to join ISIS in Syria, having been groomed online. As 15-year-old children are well-known to be mature and rational, it is understandable that she should be vilified for her poor life choices.
A far harder intellectual challenge is whether her day-old baby should share in the condemnation of its hapless mother.
It seemed briefly that popular opinion might swing behind the fact that the baby has very little responsibility for its situation, and that being British, entirely innocent of anything at all and a day-old-baby, perhaps we could allow it to live.
The argument that the baby would probably be OK if we just ignored it has been weakened by the fact that its two siblings did indeed both perish, leaving the odds for this one at best rubbish.
“I don’t care about all that,” insisted an arsehole spokesperson. “I believe that I’m a nice person, but to be honest I’ve just been whipped up too much into a ball of xenophobic fury by the Daily Mail that I’ve got to the point where I don’t care if a baby dies.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
Paul Dacre, who edits the Daily Mail and pretends to be a journalist, is trying to make up for all the lies he didn’t tell about Jeremy Corbyn in the 2017 election campaign.
“I’ve had to learn to forgive myself.” said a tearful Dacre “So many chances to commission a hatchet job so mendacious it would see a trainee hack kicked off any decent course.”
“If I’d thought he was going to popular with voters I’d have taken one or two more LSD tabs for inspiration Continue reading
The Daily Mail’s Editor, Paul Dacre has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after MPs voted to have the final say on Brexit.
“He lasted an hour once the news broke.” said Mail journalist and physical embodiment of the argument for banning public schools, Quentin Letts, a man who might bum your cat and then expect you to thank him.
“When Paul’s dribble turned to foam we contacted emergency social services, which was ironic as we’d just made up a story about all social workers being Continue reading
“So, is this how it’s going to be then?” asks Meghan Markle, after her first full-on week with the British media
An intelligent, articulate American woman has had her first real taste of the numbing void inhabited by the Daily Mail and its readers.
Some newspapers considered weighty matters this last week, such as economic implications of Brexit for the car industry.
Mail readers however, were invited to assess the merits of a woman they’ll never meet, based on grainy school photos and half-remembered or fully-invented anecdotes of Continue reading
Explorer Benedict Allen has said sorry to his wife for the indignity of being rescued in Papua New Guinea by the Daily Mail.
Appalling hate-mongers at the Daily Mail had hired a helicopter to cash-in on the disappearance of Benedict Allen, hoping that it’s appalling editor Paul Dacre might yet sneak into the New Year’s Honours list.
On learning that he was being rescued by the Daily Mail, Mr Allen (57), exclaimed: ‘I can’t believe it. Hell’s bells, the f-cking Mail? F-ck off!’ Continue reading
Staff at the Daily Mail – think of the Minions from Despicable Me then imagine it being remade in Hell – are bouncing into work this morning ready for the start of Poppy Hunting Season which runs from now until 11th November during which they attack anyone in the public eye who isn’t wearing a poppy at all times.
Left-leaning BBC reports Corbyn’s speech at Glastonbury but ignores Mrs May’s at Bekonscot model village
In a clear display of media bias, the BBC fawned over Jeremy Corbyn’s ramblings to a mere hundred thousand hippies at an obscure “music festival” but ignored Theresa May’s inspiring message to dozens of plaster figurines at a well-known model village.
Plaster villagers holding cute little Vote Conservative posters, stood in silence, as if transfixed, while the PM reprised her finest speeches Continue reading
The massed ranks of the Daily Mail’s flog ’em, hang ’em and have a wank over the glories of the British Empire crowd are suffused with heartache and confusion as it continues to masquerade as a slightly less hateful rag for the second day running. Continue reading
Paul Dacre has concluded he might have been more critical of Jeremy Corbyn, by at least hinting at the Labour leader’s support for paedophilia.
“It’s a weakness of mine, I guess.” confessed the Daily Mail Editor, after a weekend of rare introspection, “By always looking for the best in people, I may have let Corbyn off the hook, by mistake.”
“Yes, we said he’s a terrorist supporter and although we couldn’t prove it, reading between our lines it was clear he was behind the recent terror attacks, even if Continue reading
Well-known free market critic, the Daily Mail, has called on the government to cap the cost of BBQs in warm weather.
Inspired by the story of Jon Platt, who rejects the laws of supply and demand when they increase his holiday costs, the Mail is expanding its campaign for discount-price holidays during peak periods, to include other seasonal goods and services.
“Retailers ‘somehow’ manage to sell a Weber Genesis E330 BBQ for £700 in January” whined Sarah Vine, who used to be a journalist, “but barely three months later, the sun comes out and they’re all ‘It’s £1,599 take it or leave it’. It must be Jeremy Corbyn’s Continue reading
Living embodiment of a heavy mogadon overdose in human form, Philip Hammond, has dropped plans to increase NI rates for the self-employed.
“I’ve listened to the negative comments of the Daily Mail and its readers and acted accordingly.” said Chancellor Hammond, adding, “I’m not a fool!”.
“I now realise Continue reading
Frothing Westminster brexiteers have called for the monarch to take decisive action, after the Lords exercised their parliamentary rights and voted for EU nationals to stay in the UK post-Brexit.
Rising onto his elbows from his sick-bed, against medical advice, swivel-eyed MP John Redwood spluttered “will of the people … clear mandate … take back control … must get the Queen to Continue reading
As Theresa May says no way to Brexit promises on immigration and the NHS while leaders at the G20 summit queue up to tell her they’d rather trade with some ducks and a pie than Britain, even Daily Mail readers are realising that Brexit is bobbins. Continue reading
Despite being the embodiment of no sane person’s values and an enemy of tolerance and reason the Daily Mail remains massively popular with everyone who claims to hate it.
“It’s a disgusting rag,” said local estate agent Gill Gates. “It hates women and relentlessly promotes division. I believe it represents the very worst aspects of our society. How often do I read it? Oh all the time. It’s on my bookmarks bar and I like to keep up with it so I can have lots of stuff to be outraged at throughout the day.” Continue reading
The absence of Corbyn smears for that length of time was very out of character for the Mail, according to police spokesman Edwin Wallis.
The family of former Nazi Reich Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels has announced immediate legal action against the Daily Mail newspaper, following the Mail’s cartoon comparing Middle-Eastern refugees to rats.
Goebbels’ famous propaganda movies and posters also pictured Jewish people as fleeing rodents, and according to German lawyers the Mail is guilty of blatant copyright infringement.
“It’s not that we don’t like what they’re doing,” explained a Goebbels family member at a press conference this morning in a Munich beer-hall. “We think Josef would have been right behind them, it’s more the principle.”
Daily Mail cartoonist Mac was quick to defend his cartoon, saying: “I’ve never copied anyone, it’s all blatant nasty lying bullshit – which I have to hold my hands up and admire, to be honest.”
“If I’ve been influenced in any way by Nazi propaganda, that would be purely subconsciously, an innocent result of spending many happy days surrounded by Nazi memorabilia, poring over Mein Kampf into the late hours. A bit of that stuff is bound to sink in.”
In a further twist, it emerged that representatives of current neo-Nazi parties were “closely studying” the rest of the Daily Mail’s content.
“That’s not because we’re thinking of suing or anything,” explained one fascist, “We just think it’s a bloody good read.”
Following the conviction of a “ginger extremist” for plotting to kill Princes Charles and William, the Daily Mail has revealed that up to 50% of so-called refugees from Syria could actually be secret gingers on a mission to undermine the UK’s brown and blond society.
“People see heartbreaking pictures of migrants in boats apparently fleeing a warzone,” argued Mail editor Paul Dacre today, “But have you ever noticed how many of them are wearing hats?”
“Many of them are coming over here, claiming to be light brown or ‘strawberry blonde’, but it’s clear that in many cases this is nothing but a ruse.”
A spokesperson from the UK’s National Council of Gingers expressed shock at the assumption that redheads were terrorists based purely on the colour of their hair.
“It may be true that many of the refugees follow are of ginger background,” he explained, “But the vast majority of gingers are peaceful, hard-working folk, even if they do look a bit funny.”
Instances of gingerphobia are on the rise worldwide, as seen in the recent incident in a US school when a ginger pupil was arrested by police after bringing in a comb which teachers found threatening.
President Obama attempted to make it up to the boy by inviting him to visit the White House any time he wants, provided he wears some sort of hair net, and a message of solidarity was issued from the National Association for the Advancement of Bald People.
It’s already ticked tea, Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds, barbecues, universities, beaches, spoons, and hair off the list (guess how many of those we made up) and though it has along way to go the Guardian is determined to see through its mission to declare absolutely everything racist.
“I’m confident we can do it,” editor Katharine Viner told us. “We used to do proper investigative journalism but by focussing on this we can just pay a few freelancers to sit in their kitchens and endlessly pump out daft opinion pieces. It certainly saves money.” Continue reading
“We thought we had dealt with this illness that sees them confuse paparazzi stalking and soft core perversion with news,” The MailOnline’s therapist told us.
Punishment for sins we all committed in a past life and alleged source of news, the Daily Mail, has admitted that Isis gets them a little bit sweaty.
“It’s the way they keep doing entirely unspeakable things to people and filming it that I find so fascinating,” said editor, Paul Dacre. “We then publish images from those films, with the worst details ever-so-slightly blurred, and harrumph about how evil it is. Then we do it again and again and again. Simples.” Continue reading