Daily Mail Editor sectioned after Government loses EU vote

Dossett box empty, Dacre on one of his ‘calmer’ days

The Daily Mail’s Editor, Paul Dacre has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after MPs voted to have the final say on Brexit.

“He lasted an hour once the news broke.” said Mail journalist and physical embodiment of the argument for banning public schools, Quentin Letts, a man who might bum your cat and then expect you to thank him.

“When Paul’s dribble turned to foam we contacted emergency social services, which was ironic as we’d just made up a story about all social workers being Marxists.”

It took several hours for the emergency team to talk-down Dacre from a window ledge. “We usually get that done in ten minutes” said team leader Mohammed Hafiz “but once we learned who was out there, it took ages deciding which, if any of us, was willing to do it. In the end, we played scissors, paper, stone, with the loser being guaranteed anonymity and an extra week’s paid holiday.”

“We stapled a picture of a refugee child trying not to drown onto a long stick the Mail uses to poke blind benefit claimants. That’s like catnip to the Daily Mail and as we pulled the stick back in he was coaxed inside. He was shouting ‘I want fourteen pages on this!’ until the sedative kicked in.”

“Of course, it would have been much more dangerous if he hadn’t been on the ground floor.”