Yes, this is how shepherds dress #FACT
Ruddy-faced abyss too drunk on its own sense of entitlement to gaze into thee, David Cameron, now believes he’s a shepherd having spent £50,000 on two shepherd’s huts in which to sit and write his memoirs, the least desired book in Britain since Katie Hopkins’ guide to aquatic fun, esoteric Islam and refugees Surfy, Sufi, Swarmy. Continue reading
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The growing trend for Jeremy Corbyn being hired out so children can paint on him during birthday parties has come to Harold. Local parents Cassian and India Hagan-Beckett have come under heavy criticism for holding a Corbyn Daubin’ Crew themed bash for their seven year old son, Quail. Continue reading
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Doesn’t look happy, does it? Bet it’s a Remainer
It’s the time of year when eight-legged terror beasts sidle into British homes every bit as needy and unsettling as Kevin Spacey at a youth theatre picnic. However the government are urging people to welcome and nurture the original and least pretentious web-based artists ‘just in case’ as they might come in handy post-Brexit.
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Don’t even look at it. There’s nothing for you here.
In a sight that could provoke tears in a concrete statue of a stiff upper lip some of the most vulnerable people in Britain, rail company bosses, bravely spoke out about the trials they face.
“All we’re trying to do is make a huge profit while investing as much in maintenance and infrastructure as Boris Johnson would in a machine that could induce a state of contrition,” said Manfred Rudhart, CEO of Arriva.
“But our mission is undermined by passengers making ludicrous demands like a season ticket costing thousands of pounds resulting in access to a train they could get on every so often and use to go on a journey.” Continue reading
The most easily sunburned section of the village’s population are tonight wondering if emulating Donald Glover’s moves in his new music video is okay or so not cool they might as well break into an impression of Jim Davidson doing his “hilarious” Chalky routine (younger readers don’t ask, just be grateful that this is not knowledge you possess). Continue reading
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Owen Smith: if he was serious about Brexit he’d have something written on the side of a bus
Jeremy Corbyn last night sacked Owen Smith from the Shadow Cabinet for suggesting an idea that could win Labour votes.
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Sloopy twist.
Cancer today announced that it is running scared yet again as Stephen Fry has got it on the ropes and is now in recovery following surgery for prostate cancer. Continue reading
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As the UK political climate continues to be as relentlessly grim as that episode of Sesame Street which begins with Bert finally snapping and ends with him turning the gun on himself it has been announced that the very real Willo the Wisp will replace the entirely mythical will of the people in all future Brexit discourse. Continue reading
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The lies on the bus go round and round, round and round…
As a second vote on whether or not to shoot the country in the head, foot and anus just to get blue passport covers looks a little more likely – “EU says door is open for Brexit decision to be reversed” Guardian. “All grown up: child fair game for our paps now she’s hit sixteen” Daily Mail – Leave supporters are casting their swivel-eyes around to find an even bigger lie to write on the side of a bus just in case it’s needed in a future referendum. Continue reading
Future says it’ll stay in and binge watch ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ instead
Stopped clock that doesn’t tell the right time twice a day, Theresa May, will not be visited by a fourth ghost this year due to the utter pointlessness of the gesture. Continue reading
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A booze war was brewing in Harold last night, after Viking, Nils Østergård, submitted an application to Harold’s Licensing and Planning departments for ‘pop-up, artisanal, mead Shoppes’
Mr Østergård told The Evening Harold, “We’ve been brewing our own mead at our micro-brewery site for a number of years now, and had been content with only supplying our product for Viking social events.” Looking ruggedly, and wistfully, out over the River Gluggle, he continued, “But as the trend for arsey, over-priced bottles of ale with twigs in has grown, so has our Viking desire to take over the world. In this case, it’s the world of poncy alcoholic drinks. Our selection of meads are available in both bottles and animal horns, and we’d like to remind our customers to rape and pillage responsibly.” Continue reading
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Can’t think of a funny caption. It’s freaking us out
There is relief across the globe this morning as the UN has confirmed that the Elf on the Shelf is now subject to a global travel ban on the grounds that it is horribly creepy shite. Continue reading
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We’ll be fine in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, we’ve played the arse out of Fallout 4
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Hooray, now no one has to do any thinking about anything for months.
The entire Cabinet dropped to their knees and wept tears of joy this morning as the National Distraction Machine aka the House of Windsor provided it with a perfect and enduring smokescreen. Continue reading
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Iain gets teary when he thinks about how many disabled and vulnerable people are still extant
Tory ministers past and present are sadder than Hodor’s death following the publication of a report that shows an association between austerity and 120,000 people upping stumps and retiring to the pavilion. Continue reading
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God says further smiting will include a plague of Ashes victories and excellent wine
It’s been triumph and tragedy today for the planet’s biggest exporters of Minogues and disgusting lager as Australia gave the non-bigoted world a smile by voting for marriage equality to become law only to then be smited by God.
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It takes a couple of minutes to properly check a bonfire. It takes a lot longer to recover from a hedgehog shoving a rocket up your arse and then lighting it
Hedgehogs in Harold have vowed not to be the victims this weekend and will fire rockets at anyone stupid enough to light a bonfire without first checking that no hedgehogs are snoozing in it.
“We consistently top polls to find Britain’s most beloved creature – in your face badgers, you stripey no mates -” said Twitchy Pete, leader of Harold’s hedgehog community. “So it is not okay to cook us in bonfires like spiky baked potatoes and claim it was unavoidable.” Continue reading
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Be worth buying just to get that splendid flag
Beautiful day you have to spend indoors made flesh, Philip Hammond, faces embarrassment over a leaked dossier which reveals that his only plan for keeping the United Kingdom afloat post-Brexit is to start selling bits off. Continue reading
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Paul Dacre: editor of the Daily Mail. We could add more but that first sentence seems damming enough.
Staff at the Daily Mail – think of the Minions from Despicable Me then imagine it being remade in Hell – are bouncing into work this morning ready for the start of Poppy Hunting Season which runs from now until 11th November during which they attack anyone in the public eye who isn’t wearing a poppy at all times.
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