Tag Archives: Tories

Rees-Mogg admits to using camphorated tincture of laudanum with nanny

Jacob Rees-Mogg has admitted to taking an opium derivative in his younger days, joining every other Tory leadership contender in confessing to drug use.

In an interview with The Strand magazine, which ceased publication in March 1950, Mogg (Rees) claimed that his habit was entirely due to the influence of a family domestic servant, who introduced him to tincture of laudanum in a final attempt to get him to shut up.

“I was just a skinny lad, never knew no good from bad,” he told Strand journalists. “But I knew Arkwright’s Patent Syrup of Opium before I left my nursery.”

“Left alone with big fat Fanny, she was such a naughty nanny, to be honest I think she only tried drugging me after strangulation didn’t work.”

The admission comes as Theresa May enjoys her final days in Downing Street, with a number of the prime minister’s Conservative colleagues vying to replace her.

Speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme on Saturday, Mogg-Jason’s leadership rival Dominic Raab said he did not believe the admission would have an impact on Mogg-Rees-Jason’s chances in the leadership race. He said: “I certainly don’t see it barring him from this race in any way. I rather admire his honesty.”

Raab, who has previously admitted taking cannabis as a student, added: “It was a long time ago and pretty few and far between. I have never taken cocaine or any class-A drugs.”

“Mind, you, I am a total cunt – that might stand against me a bit.”

2 Comments

Filed under Brexit, Drugs, Politics

Study shows link between austerity and 120,000 deaths: that’s not enough, say Tories

Iain gets teary when he thinks about how many disabled and vulnerable people are still extant

Tory ministers past and present are sadder than Hodor’s death following the publication of a report that shows an association between austerity and 120,000 people upping stumps and retiring to the pavilion. Continue reading

Comments Off on Study shows link between austerity and 120,000 deaths: that’s not enough, say Tories

Filed under Politics

Universal Credit: Cabinet “a bit moist” over voting one million children into poverty

Combined wealth: tens of millions. Combined empathy: zero

A Downing Street official has confirmed that the Cabinet are giddy with delight as they prepare to vote against pausing the rollout of Universal Credit which is predicted to push over a million children into poverty by 2020 and at least double homelessness. Continue reading

Comments Off on Universal Credit: Cabinet “a bit moist” over voting one million children into poverty

Filed under Politics

Twitchy Tories offer police and prison officers bribe before it all kicks off

Give it a few months and this is what’ll be like every time you nip down the shops

As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading

Comments Off on Twitchy Tories offer police and prison officers bribe before it all kicks off

Filed under News

Government to ruin country to prank PM when she returns from holiday

A pleasant change from all those holiday photos of Dave pointing at fish

Bored of slowly making life worse for everyone but themselves the government has decided to lighten the mood and ruin the country completely over the next few days in order to surprise Theresa May when she returns from Italy.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Government to ruin country to prank PM when she returns from holiday

Filed under News

Tory MP defends dressing up in gollywog costume and singing ‘Mammy’ at public event

Heartstrings apparently tangled around Alabammy

Anne Marie Morris, Conservative MP for Newton Abbot, has defended her actions after being caught dressing in a gollywog costume and singing a selection of Black and White Minstrels songs at an event while talking about Brexit.

Morris was appearing on a panel to talk about Brexit alongside Tory colleagues Bill Cash and John Redwood, who were dressed as the Indian one from It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, and Tonto, respectively.

Members of the public were shocked when five minutes into the discussion Morris whipped out a banjo and began singing ‘Mammy’. “I was shocked it took her that long,” explained one guest.

A Conservative source said that Theresa May was unaware of the remarks because she had been with the Australian Prime Minister laughing at Aboriginal people. A spokesperson for the PM insisted that Morris would not be expelled from the party, explaining that “racist Tory MPs all look the same to me”.

Shortly after realising she was in trouble, Morris made an effusive apology.

“It was completely unintentional, and I apologize unreservedly for any offence caused,” she explained, adding “Where am dat water melon?”

Comments Off on Tory MP defends dressing up in gollywog costume and singing ‘Mammy’ at public event

Filed under News, Politics

Queen’s speech 2018 cancelled to give Tories more time to find their arse with a map

Will no one think of these two? They love wearing all this shit.

Andrea Leadsom, the leader of the Commons, has announced that the Queen’s speech will not take place next year. “Our top priority now is infighting,” she told journalists. “This will require a substantial amount of time and begin with knifing Theresa May in the back.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Queen’s speech 2018 cancelled to give Tories more time to find their arse with a map

Filed under News

Smug Tories calling an early election and losing could exhaust world’s schadenfreude supply

The world will probably run out of schadenfreude if the smug Tory ploy of calling an early election backfires and they lose, experts warn.

“As the polls tighten, we’ve raised our schadenfreude alert to ‘critical'” said a Westminster source. “The smiles getting wiped off the faces of Theresa May, Boris Johnson, and the rest of the Tories will be a serious test of our schadenfreude reserves, as will joy in the implosion of the Daily Mail.”

“But it’s the sheer unadulterated pleasure of seeing Tony Blair’s sad face as Jeremy Corbyn becomes PM that means we won’t just run out of schadenfreude, we’ll likely run out of schadenorgasm as well.”
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Guardian’s campaigning for the Tories “going brilliantly” says editor

Katharine Viner the editor of the Guardian, a former left of centre newspaper turned heavily moderated online identity politics forum, says that she’s proud of all the campaigning it’s doing for the Tories. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Media

Labour counter Tories’ Strong and Stable tag with #StringandStubble

Corbyn and McDonnell show us the size of their imaginary balls of string.

The Labour media team has launched the Party’s election tag #StringandStubble in a direct hit on the Tories’ #StrongandStable.

Appearing on Channel 4 News, Chancellor-in-Waiting John McDonnell told Jon Snow that very few people had a clue what ‘Strong and Stable’ was all about.

“Perhaps it appeals to people who own a fleet of pedigree racehorses,” he said, “but the vast majority of people want something a bit less rolling hills and open countryside.”

“Labour believes that every man, woman and child has the right to own their own ball of string. Continue reading

Comments Off on Labour counter Tories’ Strong and Stable tag with #StringandStubble

Filed under Around Harold, Civil rights, Economy, Election 2017, Labour, Politics, Social media

56% to vote Womble at next election: shock poll reveals

They’ll be the best looking Cabinet since Lord Salisbury’s stone cold foxes of 1895

Theresa May’s vision of it always being Tories but never Christmas has been dealt a stunning blow as a new poll revealed that fifty-six percent of voters are planning on voting Womble in 2020. Many of those polled cited the Wombles’ ability to clean up Wimbledon Common and make good use of the things that they find without messing it up, going massively over-budget, selling most of it to overseas shell companies or employing George Osborne as especially appealing. Continue reading

Comments Off on 56% to vote Womble at next election: shock poll reveals

Filed under Politics

Everyone now agreed that capitalism is a bit bollocks

arseholes

Alright, maybe not everyone

As shops close, the cost of living goes up and George Osborne stands like the captain of the Titanic bellowing at passers-by ‘There is no iceberg, stop panicking about nothing. My steady hand is on the wheel’, people are realising that there’s a high chance capitalism has gone utterly bobbins. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Deficit, Economy

Public beg Tories to stop wearing Hi Vis vests

988-j1h32u

We’d feel less patronised if they wore robes and laurel wreaths

The UK has united to plead with the government to stop arsing around in Hi Vis vests and pointing at things.

“It’s just horrible,” said local mechanic Sean Pavey. “They look far too excited doing it because for them it’s literally playing fancy dress, isn’t it? George Osborne in particular gives off a horrible whiff of ‘Cor, I’m being one of the lads’ before cutting training and apprenticeships so real lads, and girls, have less and less of a chance of actually doing the jobs that require safety clothes.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Public beg Tories to stop wearing Hi Vis vests

Filed under Politics

New Scottish thesaurus has 422 words for Tories

Why is there only one word for 'thesaurus'?

Why is there only one word for ‘thesaurus’?

A new Scottish thesaurus which lists 422 words for members of the Conservative party, is facing a ban under the obscene publications act.

With words ranging from ‘bawbag’ to ‘jobby’, and dozens of ruder ones in between, the Scots have one more word for ‘twazzocks’ than they do for snow. And 421 more than they have Tory MPs.

Author Tristan Hemlock carried out much of his research in a Glasgow pub, and very shortly afterwards, a nearby infirmary.

“I sat down at the bar, and asked politely if any of the locals had a good word for the Tories”, explained Hemlock.

“The response was tremendous, I was met with a bewildering wall of abuse. Fortunately, I managed to write most of it down.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on New Scottish thesaurus has 422 words for Tories

Filed under Culture, Education

‘They’ll take it out on someone’: badgers fear attack from government denied chance to twat foxes

Eurasian Badger Relaxing

This one’s so scared it’s forgotten how to badger

Badgers across England are today living in fear of becoming the victims of a reprisal attack from a government which reacts to the word ‘no’ about as well as a spoilt toddler who’s just asked for more sweets.

“Fair play to the foxes,” said Furry Rita, spokesbadger for the Harold Wood colony, “we’re glad it’s worked out for them but now the Tories’ll be looking to save face and viciously off something else. They’ll take it out on someone and their traditional prey, miners, seems to have gone extinct.” Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘They’ll take it out on someone’: badgers fear attack from government denied chance to twat foxes

Filed under Badgers

“Screw you foxes!” Badgers delighted to move down a place on Tory hit list

IFA-00006629-001

This is what a badger that’s laughing so hard it can’t get up looks like. So now you know.

Badgers across the UK are today dealing with fierce hangovers having spent all weekend celebrating David Cameron’s pledge to repeal the ban on fox hunting.

“It’s not that we hate foxes,” explained Furry Rita, one of the leaders of Harold’s badger community. “It’s more we’re loving not being Tory enemy number one any more. Claws-crossed they’ll even forget to send in the DEFRA death squads this year. Although do come if you fancy your chances, you shooty lowlife’s, we’ve got a surprise for you.” Continue reading

Comments Off on “Screw you foxes!” Badgers delighted to move down a place on Tory hit list

Filed under Badgers

Osborne guarantees Indian match-fixing costs

osbornegambling

More donations and votes? You do surprise me

On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.

“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Osborne guarantees Indian match-fixing costs

Filed under News, Politics, Sport

Tories take opinion poll lead: is cocaine in water supply erasing our memories?

SNN0902DUN_1580744a

What over the last four years has proved that these men and their chums shouldn’t be running the country? We can’t quite recall.

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Tory Party’s integrity found buried in New Mexico landfill

Mv8k7

A landfill is a depressing image for a Sunday morning so here’s an entirely unrelated picture of somewhere beautiful. We’re not sure where this is but judging by the presence of a mountain we think it’s North Wales.

The Tory party’s integrity has been discovered in a landfill in New Mexico. Long believed to be an urban legend excavators were surprised to find it buried under thousands of tonnes of rubbish. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Let’s talk about sex, Tories: disenchanted voters pine for good old-fashioned sleaze

rsz_393_sexdrugsrockandrollsti

The Conservative Party logo during the Major years

Disenchanted voters have been complaining about the lack of sex scandals within the current Tory party.

“It’s disappointing,” complained Harold support worker Mark Keen. “This lot are so into telling us all how to live and going on about family this and decent, honest people that that by now you’d’ve thought at least half of them would’ve been caught trousers down or skirt up in a petting zoo.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Let’s talk about sex, Tories: disenchanted voters pine for good old-fashioned sleaze

Filed under News, Politics