Combined wealth: tens of millions. Combined empathy: zero
A Downing Street official has confirmed that the Cabinet are giddy with delight as they prepare to vote against pausing the rollout of Universal Credit which is predicted to push over a million children into poverty by 2020 and at least double homelessness.
“This is catnip to them,” the official confirmed. “Philip Hammond has been seen almost smiling and the PM is all decked out in new designer shoes, a Karl Marx bracelet and an irrational desire to harm so strong that by comparison it makes the shark in Jaws seem quite logical and chill. If I had to sum up how people are at Number Ten right now I’d go with ‘a bit moist’.
Some Conservative backbenchers and, possibly, the DUP are expected to vote with the Opposition today but our source says that Senior Tories are unconcerned. “Apparently some of our MPs are going to vote with their conscience but none of the Cabinet care. Mainly I suspect because they don’t know what that word means.”
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