New Scottish thesaurus has 422 words for Tories

Why is there only one word for ‘thesaurus’?

A new Scottish thesaurus which lists 422 words for members of the Conservative party, is facing a ban under the obscene publications act.

With words ranging from ‘bawbag’ to ‘jobby’, and dozens of ruder ones in between, the Scots have one more word for ‘twazzocks’ than they do for snow. And 421 more than they have Tory MPs.

Author Tristan Hemlock carried out much of his research in a Glasgow pub, and very shortly afterwards, a nearby infirmary.

“I sat down at the bar, and asked politely if any of the locals had a good word for the Tories”, explained Hemlock.

“The response was tremendous, I was met with a bewildering wall of abuse. Fortunately, I managed to write most of it down.”

Hemlock has been assured by doctors that he will one day walk again, when he hopes to return to update his book.

“It’s a fascinating insight into how Scottish culture is changing”, insisted Hemlock. “Did you know that the number of words they have for ‘vegetable’ has increased by 50% over the last 18 months?”

“So as well as ‘neeps’ and ‘tatties’, they now also have ‘Ruth Davidson’.”