Category Archives: Deficit

PM: UK is world’s 5th biggest economy but only when it suits me to say so

The UK economy is what I say it is, right? Do you want some?

Mrs May has confirmed that the UK’s economy is huge but only when she’s lying about a happy-ever-after Tory Brexit which, to be fair, is most of the time.

“We’re big players with a proud history of international trade. True, that was mostly when we had massive technological advantages, backed up with military superiority, neither of which Continue reading

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Filed under Deficit, Economy, Election 2017, News

Chancellor: Tory borrowing to invest is “completely different” from Labour borrowing to invest


Our borrowing and spending is different from Labour’s because reasons

Philip Hammond says that his planned spending on infrastructure is wise and pragmatic, unlike Labour’s planned spending on infrastructure, which is another example of failed left-wing idealogy.

“We’ll build homes,” he said “where Labour planned to piss taxpayers’ money up the wall by building homes. We’ll improve transport links, where Labour planned to spunk away hard working families’ cash Continue reading

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Everyone now agreed that capitalism is a bit bollocks


Alright, maybe not everyone

As shops close, the cost of living goes up and George Osborne stands like the captain of the Titanic bellowing at passers-by ‘There is no iceberg, stop panicking about nothing. My steady hand is on the wheel’, people are realising that there’s a high chance capitalism has gone utterly bobbins. Continue reading

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“I thought deficit was supposed to go up” admits Osborne

George-Osborne UP

This time I’ve cracked it!

Following the news that the UK’s national deficit has risen to its highest level ever under the Conservative government, Chancellor George Osborne has admitted that he only recently learned that it was supposed to be going down, not up.

“I supposed it’s a bit embarrassing,” he confessed to journalists this morning. “I thought a deficit was like a DEPOSIT, something you want more of.”

“So I’ve been trying to make it go higher – very successfully, I thought. I just goes to show you never know.”

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Filed under Deficit, Economy, idiots

Miliband: “Labour’s deficit plan is to tax someone else”


How large is the deficit? Errm … at least this big.

Ed Miliband says that giving you and your business more money, whilst simultaneously taking taxes from someone else, will balance the nation’s books during the lifetime of a parliament.

“The next Labour government’s cuts will be kinder, more user-friendly you might say, than those of a Tory government.” said the Labour leader “And friends, that’s partly possible because we aren’t the Nasty Party. But mostly because of our deficit-reduction silver-bullet pledge. Our  cuts will only affect … someone else! Should it be silver-bullet, wouldn’t cast-iron sound better?”

Harold resident and ‘Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!’ owner  Pippa Delaney was delighted when she heard the news “I hate being taxed. And I love things like Harold’s NHS provision, Harold’s schools and our lovely Harold police, especially PC Flegg.”

“Now that Ed’s promised to ring-fence those important services” a clearly relieved Delaney explained “I’m happy with cuts to other wasteful services used by other people in other places, such as Dunstable. I’m definitely voting Labour now. Miliband is Labour isn’t he?Or is that the other Ed?”

Ms Delaney says she is sure Ed Miliband will wish to speak with her before finalising his election manifesto “I’ve already jotted down all the services I use but I’ve also done some of the other donkey work for him and drawn up a list of other people to tax.”

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