As Mrs May prepares to emote, an aide slices an onion, just off-camera
Theresa May says she’d been shocked by the general election result, as the activists, funders, and Daily Mail journalists she’d focussed her energies upon for the previous seven weeks all promised to vote Tory.
Glowing, uncritical, daily editorials and headlines such as “Mayggy, mayggie, mayggie! In in in!”, “Boot the scrufy marxist into touch!”, and “Should evil Corbyn be tried as a traitor?” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, Politics
Only an idiot or someone living 50 years in the past …
“I’ve always been quite clear about this, it isn’t my money.” said Mrs May “So for me then, it’s not as tough as, say, choosing between more red shoes or a weekend in the country. Although Philip buys my shoes and the public pays for my Chequers weekends but you get the idea.”
The Prime Minister said that with just ten DUP MPs, dividing up the £100,000,000 would be relatively easy as, despite appearances suggesting otherwise, none of them has more than the standard number of fingers Continue reading
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Her Majesty and Mrs May in happier times
Theresa May’s benefits have been suspended, after she cancelled an appointment with the Queen at Westminster.
“Her Majesty doesn’t take such decisions lightly” said a palace spokesman “but the discipline of attending for work is important, especially for someone who’s left their job for no good reason.”
The PM walked out of her last job eight weeks ago “With no guaranteed job to go to, this was extremely reckless and she can’t expect to just carry on being paid as if nothing Continue reading
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Filed under DWP, Election 2017, News, Politics
Made no mention of paedophilia
Paul Dacre has concluded he might have been more critical of Jeremy Corbyn, by at least hinting at the Labour leader’s support for paedophilia.
“It’s a weakness of mine, I guess.” confessed the Daily Mail Editor, after a weekend of rare introspection, “By always looking for the best in people, I may have let Corbyn off the hook, by mistake.”
“Yes, we said he’s a terrorist supporter and although we couldn’t prove it, reading between our lines it was clear he was behind the recent terror attacks, even if Continue reading
Filed under Election 2017, Media, News
It can’t just be them. Was it you?
Mrs May has punished those to blame for the election debacle, by sacking the people she chose as her advisers.
“Nick and Fiona looked nice but behaved like thugs, which was a perfect fit for me, but they got it all wrong. What I need to know is, who advised me to hire them? Continue reading
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Nuttall plans to spend more time on Nuttall studies after a busy summer
Paul Nuttall VC, DFC, has quit as UKIP leader, to pursue a PhD in Paul Nuttall studies.
“I’ve achieved everything I wanted to in politics, so it’s time to move on.” said Nuttall today, explaining his decision to step down after ten years as party leader.
In the short term, I’m taking a quick holiday with Richard Branson, to chat about old times, but I’ll be back to coach Andy Murray again Continue reading
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It’s starting to look a lot like Christmas
Oppressed fauns and talking beasts who’ve suffered greatly under the White Witch are this morning delighted by Father Christmas breaking her hold on their country and returning once more. Continue reading
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The UK economy is what I say it is, right? Do you want some?
Mrs May has confirmed that the UK’s economy is huge but only when she’s lying about a happy-ever-after Tory Brexit which, to be fair, is most of the time.
“We’re big players with a proud history of international trade. True, that was mostly when we had massive technological advantages, backed up with military superiority, neither of which Continue reading
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Filed under Deficit, Economy, Election 2017, News
“Yay, I done a ‘mocracy. Go me. See you in five years.”
Asses, fools and prating coxcombs across the UK continue to insist that posting memes is as important as voting.
“It absolutely is,” insisted part-time shelf stacker and full time social justice warrior Kat McAllister. “I’ve been posting up to twenty anti-Tory memes a day for the last three days such is my commitment to getting them out and securing a better future for us all. Will I actually go to the polling station? Nah, I haven’t got time.” Continue reading
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Behold its soulless eyes and wonder how it is they convey more empathy than Philip Hammond’s.
Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and massive Ed Sheeran fan, Cthulhu, has risen from the stone city of R’lyeh to cast its vote for the Tories. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2017
Does anyone know who this dreadful Home Secretary was?
Theresa May says although the current Home Secretary Amber Rudd is doing a fine job, David Cameron’s choice was “dreadful, a disaster who missed every major target for over seven years”.
Mrs May vowed to reverse the un-named woman’s worst decisions, starting with the huge cuts in Police funding.
“Clearly, she wasn’t up to it. The instant she moved on, Amber, an altogether more capable woman, got the job.”
It’s not only security failures says May, who accused the last two governments of “being asleep at the wheel” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, News, Police, Politics
“They’re difficult decisions for you, not for me.” says May
The PM says ensuring she’s not personally hurt by her own decisions is what makes them so difficult to make.
“For example, emergency service cuts might affect me, if applied across the board, as if everyone’s of equal value. I had to make it clear that my protection is their top priority.”
“Also, with my husband being in the money-juggling business, it was crucial to allow weasels to hide their cash overseas, so I didn’t suffer.” said the PM. “It wasn’t easy but tough decisions never are. With the help of Paul Dacre’s relentless focus on benefit claimants though, Continue reading
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We choose him, her, other him, all of them, none of them, whatever, just please make it stop
Jaded voters are this morning facing another long and weary day of being campaigned at by politicians who are as in touch with how rest of us live as the Queen is with the latest beefs on the grime scene. While technically this build up to the nation going to the polls has lasted no longer than any other, many are reporting that it feels as if it’s been going on for at least twelve years. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2017
EU negotiators when the news first broke. Medics were called soon after
EU Brexit negotiators are making a good recovery in hospital, after Mrs May’s U-turn on social care funding left their team helpless with laughter and struggling to remain upright.
Speaking from his hospital bed, the EU’s top Brexit negotiator, Michael Barnier wiped tears from his cheeks and said the team should be home by the weekend, “provided that Theresa stays out of the news”.
Unfortunately, even as Barnier was speaking, a colleague from a bed further down the ward called out “Strong and stable” in an irritating voice, reducing them both to quivering jellies Continue reading
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Filed under Brexit, Election 2017, News
A typical village stoner
Pinning hopes for Lib Dem election success on the decriminalisation of marijuana may be flawed logic says a village stoner.
“Most of the time we’re too stoned to remember to put things in our diaries,” said the smoker. “Anyway, politicians are power-crazed liars, who’ll tell you anything.”
The dope smoking community is also wary that someone is trying to pull a fast one on them.
“So, they want us to register to vote for this? So is that like your name and address and stuff? Yeah, thought so, and the next thing you know is someone’s knocking on your door init. Get lost.”
Nick Clegg meanwhile has been explaining more details of the marijuana policy. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, Crime, Drugs, Election 2017, Lifestyle, Politics
Hunt; just before the psychiatrists and Approved Social Worker arrive
Jeremy Hunt says up to date NHS finance reports would have been published before the election, but for the fact that they show how useless he is.
“Compared to how I’m doing, my marmalade exporting was a fantastic success. So you can well imagine why I’m keeping this dreadful key performance report under wraps!” he added.
The government usually publishes such data promptly but it fears the sensitive nature of this information might influence the outcome of the election.
“It’s a bit like seeing the recent service history of a car you’re thinking of buying” explained the Health Secretary, as if speaking to a five-year old; think Diane Abbott but without the charm. Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, Health, News, Politics
The answer’s immigration, now what’s the question?
The best way to banish memories of the 1980s “nasty party” is to create an even nastier party, said Theresa May today, smiling for the cameras. “Immigrants, you’re first up!”
“Social inequality is a great injustice, which we’re going to resolve by making fairer tax laws, asking for a little more from the rich, and employing enough HMRC staff to … hah, fooled you!” laughed Mrs May “No, but seriously, Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, News
We’re with Bad Vlad on this one. Who honestly wants to know more about these people?
With less than a month to go before polling day, UK politicians are more desperate for attention from Russia than Guy Richie is for someone to pay to watch King Arthur. Continue reading
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Corbyn and McDonnell show us the size of their imaginary balls of string.
The Labour media team has launched the Party’s election tag #StringandStubble in a direct hit on the Tories’ #StrongandStable.
Appearing on Channel 4 News, Chancellor-in-Waiting John McDonnell told Jon Snow that very few people had a clue what ‘Strong and Stable’ was all about.
“Perhaps it appeals to people who own a fleet of pedigree racehorses,” he said, “but the vast majority of people want something a bit less rolling hills and open countryside.”
“Labour believes that every man, woman and child has the right to own their own ball of string. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Civil rights, Economy, Election 2017, Labour, Politics, Social media
Having a laugh on Red Nose Day.
Jeremy Corbyn says that while he initially felt a little disappointed with the clobbering Labour took in the Local Elections, he remains totally confident that the people will be right behind him when it comes to the ‘real thing’ on 8 June.
“It’s obvious now that quite a lot of people were having a bit of a laugh on Thursday,” he said. “There is, of course, such a thing as the rebellious ironic tactical vote. But when, just by chance, huge chunks of the electorate have the same fun idea at the same time, the result can be a highly misleading picture of the mood of the country. Fortunately, I can see straight through it.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Election 2017, Entertainment, Labour, Politics, Society
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