“The NHS is safe in my, oops …”
Local NHS staff have joyfully welcomed the prospect of another reorganisation.
“Fantastic news!” cried Harold GP Dr Clive Evans, who had been toying with the idea of taking early retirement. “But you can forget about that now. I can’t wait to get stuck into lots of new forms and protocols. Oh, oh, oh … and briefing seminars, where you pretend to be your favourite animal. My Salamander from the Lansley reforms is still talked of at Dunstable Continue reading
IDS laughs off a mere 270 early deaths as ‘chicken feed’
Former Tory party leader and well-known sociopath Iain Duncan Smith has laughed off as ‘chicken feed’ the two hundred and seventy NHS breast-screening patients whose lives may have been shortened by the incompetence of Jeremy Hunt.
“Two hundred and seventy? Over years, are you taking the piss?” chuckled IDS “When I was Head Honcho at DWP we’d hoover up that many before coffee and custard creams each morning, or I’d have my civil servants’ bollocks Continue reading
It’s all someone else’s fault
A multi-millionaire with no moral compass or sense of irony has given social media companies a damn good talking to about their social responsibilities.
Destroyer-of-worlds, Health and Social Care Secretary Jeremy Hunt, chose not to fund children’s mental health services properly, freeing him up to look elsewhere to explain the mismatch between Continue reading
Filed under News, NHS, Social media
I’m a liar. I know it, you know it, you know that I know it. Fuck only knows how I get away with it, it’s a mystery.
Serial bungler Jeremy Hunt is finally being called to account by parliament. For his form-filling skills though, oddly enough.
Not for crashing the NHS into a wall, then backing up a hundred yards and having another go, then backing up a hundred yards and – well you probably get the picture.
“Compared to the ongoing NHS car-crash, even his marmalade work was brilliant. And that was a fucking disaster.” said a philosophical Harold woman, unlucky enough to have fallen seriously ill in March, who is still in the waiting room at Dunstable Royal Infirmary.
“I’ve bought a raffle ticket for a trolley berth and hope to get a corridor spot by the summer. Fingers crossed!”
“It’s good to know that Mr Hunt’s form-filling is coming under scrutiny though. It’s important that politicians know they can’t get away with being incompetent liars.”
‘What’s my name? No, don’t tell me, I think I’ve got this one.’
As the hapless Health Secretary remains in post after yet another disastrous set of NHS stats, even Daily Mail readers are starting to suspect that he has some incriminating photos of Theresa May tucked away somewhere safe. Somewhere he’s never, ever been seen.
“Our best bet is that they’re hidden in a storeroom with a ‘How to make the NHS work better’ sign on the door.” Said Harold GP Dr Clive Evans “In a filing cabinet marked ‘Staff’, stowed inside training notes from a seminar on ‘Motivational Management: how to build a motivated staff Continue reading
“Social care? No, not a clue, do tell.”
Jeremy Hunt has called on the dying and their nearest and dearest to ‘play fair’ and stop calling ambulances in the last hours of their lives.
“We only get a finite amount of life,” said Health and Social Care (no really) Secretary Jeremy Hunt “so it does no good if those who’ve already had their three score and ten – make that three score if you’re poor – insist on clogging up hospital corridors.”
“Wide corridors, I might add, which might otherwise be leased to Costa Coffee or Pret a Manger. Or maybe something novel, say a vintage marmalade Continue reading
“I haven’t fully buggered up the NHS yet”
Offered a move to the business department yesterday, Jeremy Hunt convinced the PM that though the NHS is on its knees, it still needs at least one more big push before complete privatisation is guaranteed.
Mrs May accepted that Hunt was doing a cracking job of buggering up the health service but was worried some sick and disabled people might survive, so she’s Continue reading
Would you trust this man? Our money is on Jeremy Hunt
Some daft idiot, who says he’s ‘head of NHS England’ or something like that, has only gone and banged on again about a so-called funding crisis.
Not content with threatening longer waiting lists if Her Majesty’s Chancellor didn’t provide enough cash in the Budget, this clown Simon Stevens then has the brass neck to Continue reading
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Filed under NHS
He’d just gone in for a service, oil change and replacement NHS badge
Despite not appearing on the news for 24 hours, Jeremy Hunt is still not dead.
“I haven’t heard anything about him for over a day now,” said Harold’s Ærndís Vigfusson, a nurse at Dunstable Royal Infirmary yesterday “so of course my hopes have begun to rise.”
Those hopes were cruelly dashed however, after it emerged that Hunt had simply been into Conservative Central Office for a service, an oil change, and a replacement NHS badge; Continue reading
“Shame? Nope, I’ve got no idea.”
Jeremy Hunt is baffled by a Judge’s criticism of NHS services, which included the unknown words ‘shame’ and ’embarrassment’.
“This is another example of an out of touch judiciary” said a clearly exasperated Health Secretary “using obscure words, which no one understands. I’ve asked all my colleagues and they don’t know their meaning either. Maybe he made them up, like me and NHS Continue reading
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Filed under Health, Law and Order, News, Politics
“Threatening doctors and nurses is my job”
Jeremy Hunt insists the task of threatening Great Ormond Street Hospital staff is his and his alone, warning “amateurs” protesting over little Charlie Gard’s care to leave it to trained professionals, like him.
“I studied for years before taking on the role of abusing NHS staff” argues Hunt, who accepts this didn’t involve studying healthcare. “And I always have to keep my knowledge up to date, with frequent private healthcare briefings and Continue reading
Hunt; just before the psychiatrists and Approved Social Worker arrive
Jeremy Hunt says up to date NHS finance reports would have been published before the election, but for the fact that they show how useless he is.
“Compared to how I’m doing, my marmalade exporting was a fantastic success. So you can well imagine why I’m keeping this dreadful key performance report under wraps!” he added.
The government usually publishes such data promptly but it fears the sensitive nature of this information might influence the outcome of the election.
“It’s a bit like seeing the recent service history of a car you’re thinking of buying” explained the Health Secretary, as if speaking to a five-year old; think Diane Abbott but without the charm. Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, Health, News, Politics
What are you saying? These figures aren’t good news then?
Walking evidence that a man with a stash of secret photographs hidden in a safety deposit box can keep his job whatever he does, Jeremy Hunt, says record figures revealed in a new report prove his NHS reforms are on track.
“It’s taken me some time to pull things round but the figures don’t lie.” announced a smiling and relaxed Health Secretary.”No, I won’t stop. Get off, I’m the minister!” he shouted, shrugging off a group of officials who were trying to usher him away from the cameras.
“Right then. let’s get started” said Mr Hunt consulting a clipboard “Cancer targets? Up. Continue reading
He’s even got his own little badge
Jeremy Hunt has vowed to bear down on NHS staff strongly enough so that 10,000 of them are admitted to psychiatric care by 2020. “That’s 10,000 more, on top of those already there”.
“More doctors, more nurses, and more health workers, all in the care of a strong and stable government. You know, that sounded rather Churchillian, don’t you think?”
“We’ll be using cognitive behavioural therapy” explained Hunt “Partly because doctors we’ve paid to say so say it’s effective, partly because CBT is easier to say than psychotherapy, but mostly because it’s cheap.”
“Then, when the staff patients are feeling a bit more chipper Continue reading
Compared to what I’ve planned, my previous cuts are tiny
The NHS will get bigger doses of the same medicine “but only if the public choose us again” said Jeremy Hunt, adding “What hasn’t killed you is obviously not yet strong enough.”
Speaking on the Andrew Marr Show this morning, Mr Hunt said that doctors, nurses, and support staff will only deliver first rate services if their hopes and dreams are further crushed, beneath the heel of an immensely wealthy man who doesn’t have to use them himself.
“It’s no use having a Health Secretary who depends on the NHS for his own healthcare” he said “Otherwise he might be swayed by issues of self-interest, such as being seen within 4 days when he turns up at A&E with a broken jaw, an axe in his head, or a rectally inserted junior doctors’ contract.”
“Might I interest you in some slightly out of date marmalade, Andrew?”
“Come on, who’s to blame?”
Moral vacuum in an expensive suit marred by a condescending, inappropriate NHS lapel badge, Jeremy Hunt, will launch an enquiry into the crisis afflicting hospitals up and down the country.
Speaking exclusively to the BBC, Mr Hunt first winked then, as the cameras started filming, he sobbed “I can’t help thinking that someone must be responsible for this utter shambles.”
Holding a sliced onion just off-camera, MrHunt wiped tears from his cheeks and sniffled “You know, an individual, an actual person, probably a Junior Doctor or whoever was the last Labour Health Secretary, Continue reading
‘Do we actually need an NHS?’ the whole Cabinet replied ‘No’
Marmalade entrepreneur, Jeremy Hunt has welcomed record NHS figures released this week and was in expansive mood when interviewed by the Evening Harold.
“It would be wrong to make political capital out of this” smiled the multi-millionaire, polishing his NHS lapel badge, “but these figures vindicate the Conservative approach to the NHS.”
“You know, I was in the room when the policy was agreed,” he said. “The PM wrote on the whiteboard ‘Do we really need an NHS?’ and the whole Cabinet replied ‘No, we all Continue reading
NHS trusts in the UK have teamed up with U.S. based Disneyworld consultants to help manage increasing pressures on hospital queue targets.
Heading up the Disney team is Roy Peterson Jr, whose overarching strategy is clear: ”Who on earth would want to reduce queues? That’s where your quaint little doctors and nurses game has gone wrong – it’s all about optimising the size of the queue and then keeping people distracted whilst they are waiting – easy”. He went on “And FREE at the point of service? that stinks, we’ll be introducing a new smart wristband in the Autumn, one easy fee for up to 3 extra treatments per month”. Continue reading
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Filed under NHS
Loser
London’s last community-based A&E-style service for people needing emergency dental treatment has closed because fuck you, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has confirmed.
NHS England’s closure of the “urgent dental service” in Kentish Town will leave the capital’s 8.7 million residents with nowhere to go in an emergency apart from A&Es who do not have dentists, and GPs who are not dentists.
“If you’re poor, you’re a bit fucked, yes,” confirmed Hunt this morning. “The message we’re really trying to get over is ‘fuck you’ if you can’t afford to go private.”
A Conservative party spokesman pointed out that there remained several options for poor families facing urgent dental problems.
“If it’s a broken tooth or something, best get it out quick,” he explained. “In our case studies of actual poor people, we’ve found that tying a bit of string to the bad tooth and the other end to a door handle before vigorously slamming the door is an effective and economic way method of extraction.”
“It works easily one time in three, more if the patient is tied to a bed.”
Deeply committed
Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has unveiled a radical plan to solve the nation’s hospital bed crisis at a stroke – by making new beds out of piles of the recently deceased.
With most hospitals now facing mile-long queues of critically ill citizens lying in the rain, the time has come to address the chronic bed shortage once and for all. And Hunt, never a stranger to controversy, is convinced he has hit on the solution – “corpse bedding”.
“I was on holiday somewhere nice when it hit me,” Hunt explained to journalists. “Just look at it – what are we short of? Beds. What do we have lots of? Dead bodies!”
“Due to my cold-hearted policies, thousands are dying before they can get urgent treatment. Let’s turn that frown upside down and make it into an opportunity!”
Hunt explained that tests done on a bunch of dead pensioners in Birmingham showed that a pile of six or seven was usually sufficient to make a bed of suitable height. A simple wooden plank on top, and you have a bed that’s already much better than being left dying in a gutter.
“We thought we’d have some trouble with the odd fat one making the piles too big,” he admitted, “But for some reason these dead pensioners tend to be of a standard, very very thin, size. It certainly makes our job easier!”
“All in all,” Hunt confirmed, “The corpse bed thing’s an absolute no-brainer. And I should know.”
“Because I have no brain, you see.”
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