Jeremy Hunt on his decision to stay: “I haven’t fully buggered up the NHS yet.”

“I haven’t fully buggered up the NHS yet”

Offered a move to the business department yesterday, Jeremy Hunt convinced the PM that though the NHS is on its knees, it still needs at least one more big push before complete privatisation is guaranteed.

Mrs May accepted that Hunt was doing a cracking job of buggering up the health service but was worried some sick and disabled people might survive, so she’s extended his brief to include reforming social care.

“There’s no escape for them now.” muttered an ebullient health secretary this morning, just before a news conference began.

“The social care system is already like a chipboard version of what the lefties think it should be.” He said “But it’s not about money; what the sector really needs is a top-down reorganisation, we’re good at those. I can reform social care into a cardboard cut-out version; one that looks as if it will work but falls apart as soon as something odd happens, like cold weather or flu in winter, for instance.”

“Rather like I’m doing with the health system.”

A spokesperson for the BMA said later “Not fully buggered it up? He’s quite mad of course – mad is a technical word for people with massive delusions. If we had enough staff we’d send a couple of psychiatrists over to the Department of Health this afternoon.