Behold its soulless eyes and wonder how it is they convey more empathy than Philip Hammond’s.
Monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and massive Ed Sheeran fan, Cthulhu, has risen from the stone city of R’lyeh to cast its vote for the Tories. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2017
Before you dump, think it through.
Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.
“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.
“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”
“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”
Pandas only too keen to leave Osborne’s ‘man cave’.
George Osborne has demanded that England’s emergency supply of pandas are opened, and sent to Scotland to outnumber SNP MPs.
The plan was hatched during a hastily convened COBRA meeting, following yet another quip from Nicola Sturgeon that ‘Tory MPs are outnumbered by pandas in Scotland’.
“We’ve heard that one before”, said Osborne. “In fact this is the 148th time it’s been recorded in Hansard. I’m buttocked if I’m going to let those bummers repeat it again.”
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Filed under Politics
‘Trust me. We’ll soon have this torn apart.’
John Major has warned voters that a Labour/SNP coalition would ruin the country at a much higher cost than the Conservatives.
“When it comes to asset stripping and smashing glorious institutions into tiny pieces, the private sector has a lot more experience”, said Sir John.
“While we’re sure that Alex Salmond and Ed Miliband are more than capable of ruining almost anything, you have to ask yourself, ‘at what cost?’
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Filed under Election 2015
Harold resident and owner of the village’s trendiest establishment with ‘Veggie!’ in its name, Pippa Delaney, has spoken exclusively to the Evening Harold about a nightmare she had on Friday morning during a brief nap at 9:30am where she dreamt she was voting Conservative.
Although the nightmare was purely in Pippa’s head, the lover of all things organic swimming in manure says the experience is one she will never forget, and hopes it is a once in a lifetime event.
“The dream was so vivid I remember it like it was real,” Pippa told us. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
With Labour seemingly reluctant to rule out doing a deal with the SNP to secure a coalition after the next election, the Conservative party have come under equal pressure to rule out doing a deal with the Devil to stay in power for five more years.
Speaking about his upcoming budget, George Osborne was asked whether doing a deal with the Devil would be a line the Tories were willing to cross.
“Obviously it is our intention to win the the election outright,” Osborne said, “but should the situation arise that the only way we can get across the line is to make a pact with the leader of Hell then so be it.
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Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics
Got any change Mister?
Part-time politician, charmless Thatcher leftover Sir Malcolm Rifkind, apologised today for having told the truth yesterday, when insisting he was ‘entitled’ to more than an MP’s salary of £67,000.
“Quite by mistake, I said what I really believed. I now realise that made me look like a twat. A privileged Tory with my head so far up my bottom that I only see the light of day when I reappear from my own throat. I do hope that clears things up.”
When questioned about his comments on Channel 4’s Dispatches programme, Sir Malcolm Rifkind explained his remarks had been taken out of context. “Yes, I did say I’d a surprising amount of free time, was self-employed and that no-one payed me a salary. But the context was that I’d forgotten I was an MP; a simple error of judgement. Haven’t you ever forgotten that you work for the Telegraph?”
A former political adviser to Sir Malcolm gave her reaction to his decision to stand down as an MP to BBC News: “I have to say there’s huge respect that he’s done the honourable thing … no, I’m sorry … can we take that again?
Filed under breaking news, Election 2015, Politics
Following his move in 2012 from the Conservative Party to UKIP, and then his more recent move from UKIP to the Conservative party, David Cameron and Nigel Farage have finally agreed a joint custody deal of the he’s-foreign-born-so-we’re-not-a-racist-party MEP, Amjad Bashir.
“It’s been a long battle, but we have decided that it will be so much easier to claim some of our best friends are foreign if we have him during the week and UKIP have him at weekends,” Prime Minister and Tory leader David Cameron said.
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Can’t help but wonder if all Dave’s chums are this delightful
There once was a minister on the hunt,
For more twitter followers so he took a punt,
Thinking he was using humour like a boss,
He retweeted a load of bigoted toss,
And ended up looking a right…(continued next page)
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Filed under Politics
George Osborne’s latest plans to woo back Tory voters with the abolition of the ‘death tax’ looks set to backfire as it comes too late for many of the delegates attending the party’s conference.
With an average age of 146, the vast majority of delegates have been deceased longer than the Chancellor has been alive.
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Filed under Politics
Nigel Evans MP looks set to be dropped by the Conservatives for bringing the party into disrepute after being found not guilty of several sexual offences.
“We have a code of conduct in the party that MPs must follow,” Grant Shapps explained.
“That code makes it clear that sleaze allegations of sexual impropriety must be followed by a denial with their partner in front of their house, then an admission of guilt, a half-arsed apology and resignation in shame.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
The government has announced it is to push ahead with plain, dull and boring packaging for cigarettes after a decade long trial on party leaders.
“Back in the day when everyone was consuming politics it was easy to tell the difference between the main brands,” Public Health Minister Jane Ellison said.
“So over the last ten or so years we have been trying out the theory of ‘plain packaging’ of the party leaders, and the results are conclusive. Continue reading
Boris Johnson’s plans to have radicalised children removed from their home seems to have backfired when social workers began taking children out of his old school, Eton.
The Mayor of London said the idea was to try to rehabilitate people that have been brainwashed into thinking they are somehow better than everyone else, and were likely to try and harm others in later years.
“As soon as we were made aware of the scheme we looked around the community to identify any radicalised children,” the head of social services in Windsor told us.
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The Conservative MP at the heart of a Nazi-party controversy has announced he will step down from his position saying even he thought “the party was drifting further right than the Third Reich”.
“I may have bought Nazi costumes but I didn’t realise there was a serious risk they would become standard uniform,” Aidan Burley said.
Promised £2, delivered 2p. Typical
Department store John Lewis has made contact with the parents of a forty two-year-old man who had written a letter of apology after he broke the UK economy.
The man, who signed his name simply as George, inexplicably sent the letter to the John Lewis store in Cambridge after he accidentally broke the economy while serving as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Continue reading
Being a responsible news organ we can’t publish ‘The Photos’ but this should give you the general idea.
The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when a court injunction was awarded yesterday preventing the Daily Mail’s from publishing a collection of photos of Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, enjoying a relaxing beach holiday with his wife, Irene, ahead of this week’s Conservative Party Conference.
Alongside the banned photographs, the Mail had intended to publish a story commenting upon his ‘unbelievable body’ and ‘skimpy beach shorts’. Continue reading
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