Celebrity couple Elton John and David Furnish are not named in the Panama Papers, putting to rest internet rumours that their affairs were not in order.
Both John and husband Furnish were trending on Twitter, leading to speculation they were trying to cover up secretive transactions in Panama. But it now seems it was a simple misunderstanding leaving many people embarrassed at how they jumped to conclusions.
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Definitely on something.
Officials at the Harold World Dwile Flonking Association have voted unanimously for drugs.
In a competitive sports environment dominated by corruption and cheating, Dwile Flonking has struggled for media attention compared with other daft sports, such as running.
But while some expressed concerns for the safety of competitors, the committee came to the conclusion that pharmaceuticals would make dwile flonking ‘funnier’.
“Whether it’s hayfever tablets or hippy crack, you’d better be on something”, said Head of Flonking, Phil Evans. “The doctor will shine a special torch in your face and if he’s not convinced, we’ll give you something from this bag.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport
This sheep was stunned shortly before it was humanely run over.
In response to the uproar surrounding unmarked Halal meat, supermarkets have pledged to offer consumers much more choice in the way animals are killed.
Sifting through the meat aisle of her local Tesco, Harold resident Pippa Delaney welcomed the move.
“It’s so much better, now we’re properly and sometimes graphically informed”, she insisted. “Let’s see: cricket bat with a nail in it…bolt gun in the face…liver failure…ooh! This one sounds delicious AND guilt-free: ‘hit by a meteorite’. I bet that makes it tender as well.”
Nigel Evans MP looks set to be dropped by the Conservatives for bringing the party into disrepute after being found not guilty of several sexual offences.
“We have a code of conduct in the party that MPs must follow,” Grant Shapps explained.
“That code makes it clear that sleaze allegations of sexual impropriety must be followed by a denial with their partner in front of their house, then an admission of guilt, a half-arsed apology and resignation in shame.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
Fingers pointed at Mock The Week
As embittered former Home Secretary David Blunkett calls for satirical television programmes such as Mock The Week to face tougher scrutiny from libel lawyers, other sourpuss victims of the BBC show’s lazy humour are urging government media watchdogs to go further and investigate the ‘suspicious’ scoring system used by the BBC on the show.
An unlikely ‘Coalition of the Mocked’, including pop-star Justin Bieber, former deputy PM John Prescott and Muslim cleric Abu Hamza have called the show’s integrity into question and say that point scoring is arbitrary at best, and at worst could be fixed, which would ‘seriously undermine viewer trust in the Corporation’.
Media insiders say that the BBC, already reeling from the controversy over executive pay-offs and the Jimmy Savile scandals, will do anything to avoid another parliamentary enquiry and are doing their best to block this, but they could be powerless in the face of a damning dossier prepared by the group.
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Filed under Art, Culture, Politics, Showbusiness
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