Tag Archives: Sport

‘Grand National great success’ says Tesco meat department

TescoNationalThe 2016 Grand National at Aintree ended in a triumphant victory for Tesco’s processed meat department, after the majority of meaty contenders ended up swiftly converted into delicious burger and spaghetti meals.

Following last year’s controversy surrounding the use of horse meat in Tesco products, the supermarket refocussed its marketing spend on an aggressively healthy image, in which an active lifestyle is key.

To this end, Tesco is now keen to emphasise the sporting credentials of its meat sources, especially the man-eat-horse world of  National Hunt racing over jumps. Especially races like the Grand National, where most horses die for our sporting pleasure like innocents thrown to lions in a Roman arena, only with more barbecue sauce.

This year’s Grand National saw a convincing victory for the highly-fancied Spicy Meatball (by Nugget out of Burger), with second place going to the much-improved Cottage Pie, who previously struggled over the fences.

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Filed under Food, Sport

BBC retains rights to pocket billiards

Lineker warming up.

Lineker, wearing his helmet.

In a coup for the corporation, the BBC has managed to beat off some stiff competition, and retain the rights to pocket billiards.

Despite facing the loss of football, Formula 1, rugby, cricket, MotoGP, the boat race, the Grand National, darts and snooker, pocket billiards remains firmly in Auntie’s grasp.

“They’ve asked me to do they commentary”, said Gary Lineker, while jingling some change.”It’s not my speciality, but I think I can pull it off.”
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Filed under Media, Sport

Dwile Flonking Executive to make doping compulsory


Definitely on something.

Officials at the Harold World Dwile Flonking Association have voted unanimously for drugs.

In a competitive sports environment dominated by corruption and cheating, Dwile Flonking has struggled for media attention compared with other daft sports, such as running.

But while some expressed concerns for the safety of competitors, the committee came to the conclusion that pharmaceuticals would make dwile flonking ‘funnier’.

“Whether it’s hayfever tablets or hippy crack, you’d better be on something”, said Head of Flonking, Phil Evans. “The doctor will shine a special torch in your face and if he’s not convinced, we’ll give you something from this bag.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport

English invent the new sport of being English – England lose first game

Prince Harry's choice of kit didn't go down well

Prince Harry’s choice of kit didn’t go down well

With the sporting world being dominated by sports invented by the English but won by everyone else, the English have invented a new game in the hope it is one only they can win; the new sport of being English.

Sadly England lost the inaugural game, going down to a 134-0 defeat amid some questionable tactical decisions.

Leading the England forward attack were Prince William and Hugh Grant, two players considered to be the embodiment of Englishness.

Sadly the game was lost when these two giants in the game started talking in German from the first whistle

The team’s manager, Queen Elizabeth couldn’t hide her frustration from the touchline and was heard to shout to her players “was machst du?”

Speaking at her post match press conference, QE2 told reporters: “By speaking German they lost us the game. Obviously the rules state you need to speak perfect English, with more points awarded the more plums you have in your mouth.

“But speaking another language isn’t in the rules of being English. We tried to win the game back by having Steve McClaren come on and start speaking to foreigners in English but with a bad foreign accent and a slightly raised voice, but the game was already lost.”

England’s chances had already taken a blow before the match had even started. Typical English Tory toff Jacob Rees-Mogg was due to be playing the vital midfield dynamo role but sent his Swiss nanny on instead.

The support from the fans was also disappointing from an English point of view. Known for following the England football team in a traditional brassy way, the England Supporters Band turned up to get behind the team. Although confusion set in when they substituted ‘The Great Escape’ for the French national anthem played on vuvuzelas.

A last minute attempt to win the game came as everyone on the England team indulged in a round of binge drinking, throwing up, and fighting each other for no apparent reason, but sadly this all came after the final whistle and outside the stadium.

Unfortunately, things don’t look good for the future of England in the new sport of being English. Losing this inaugural game so emphatically can only be a bad omen seeing as they didn’t yet have an opponent.

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Intensive training should improve speed and technique for the GP itself

Although crowd funding allows Caterham F1 to contest the season finale, high fuel costs mean cuts elsewhere and plucky Harold Scouts have agreed to step in and provide cheap pit-crew services.

“It’s not our first vehicle venture.” said Rev Tansy Forster of 3rd Harold Scouts “Last year we made over £32.73 from a sponsored car wash and we’ll carry that experience into the race next weekend.”

The in-administration race team hopes to be competitive, but has taken on board Institute of Advanced Motorist advice to ‘drive at 50 in 7th gear for best fuel efficiency’.

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by | November 18, 2014 · 8:54 am

Pack of braying media leeches ‘fear for Paul Gascoigne’s health’


Gazza thought the flashing lights when he went out in the morning were to do with his drinking

Gascoigne didn’t realise his blurred vision wasn’t always due to drinking

Paparazzi have asked fans to pray for the recovery of Paul Gascoigne (48 colummn inches).

He was papped earlier this week looking hagard, belying his ability to still shift papers.

The footballing legend is being treated in hospital for a serious illness, which many people feel entitled to be informed about and then make judgements upon.

A worried jackal, Brian (300mm, f stop 5.7), spoke from the scrum outside the hospital ‘I really hope he’s not drinking that gin I gave him, at least not all of it. I bought an appartment on the Algarve thanks to Gazza, and I really owed him one.’

Concerned vampire Simon (50mm, mainly portrait work) agreed. ‘I got him to agree to an exclusive tomorrow, if he makes it through the night. But I also spoke with Geoff, a former team mate (pundit rates, less 10% for cash) who agreed I can make up some quotes for him to say, so I’m covered whatever the outcome.’ Continue reading

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Filed under Health, Media, News, Sport

England players: ‘little time now left ‘ to avoid World Cup draft


“Psst. Stop limping Phil, it’s your shoulder that’s injured.”

Many English Premiership footballers have only one game left in which to plan and suffer a devastating injury.

The prize at stake is missing the national team’s humiliation in Brazil and enjoying a long lazy summer with their cash and other close friends.

Arsenal’s Theo Walcott submitted a sick note as long ago as January, confirming his status as a true visionary in the eyes of his fans. Continue reading

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Filed under Health, News, Sport, World Cup

Olympics shock: ‘Mo Farah may never win another medal’

Mo Farah celebrates winning the men's 5,000m final at the European Championships in Helsinki in June

Please don’t try this at home. Or in Rio. Please.

Plans to rationalise Olympic judging will see many of this month’s winter games’ scoring systems being adopted at the proper Olympics in Rio 2016. “Here in Sochi, how good you look is at least  as important as the more workaday factors such as speed and distance.” says IOC President Thomas Bach “I’m not sure about girth though, let me get back to you on that”.

“Ski jumping for instance is assessed on ‘style’ during take-off, flight and landing, plus a small proportion of marks allocated for distance actually travelled.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Sport