Have you seen these people? They may no longer be wearing the wigs. And definitely won’t be smiling.
Metropolitan Police have issued a public appeal for information as they search for thousands of Manchester United fans who appear to have gone missing since Sunday afternoon.
The appeal comes after vast numbers of fans described as “generally sociable and outspoken” abruptly stopped replying to any form of contact from around 4.01pm yesterday. Continue reading
The late John F Kennedy
After castigating Manchester United players for not turning up at least 4 hours before kick-off for the final game at Upton Park, and clearly bringing on themselves an attack on the team bus from the angelic cockneys, West Ham and Ex Sunday Sport owner David Sullivan, accompanied by his 18 year old press advisor Krystle, has today been elaborating on his theory of cause and effect.
“It’s common sense, if you turn up early then you avoid any problems. Continue reading
Er, hoots mon?
Following a string of disappointing results, Manchester United and Liverpool have applied to join the Scottish Premiership, it was revealed today. An initial approach has been made to begin playing in Scotland as soon as possible, starting next season, or even in the middle of this one, if no-one minds.
“We can’t see any practical problems with this. If Berwick are allowed to play in the Scottish league, I don’t see why we’re any different,” insisted Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers. “It’s like Hamilton, they’re in New Zealand, according to Google, and no-one complains about them.”
“The Scottish Premiership has long been considered an easy option, lacking any serious challenge,” he explained. “And that’s just what we’re looking for.” Continue reading
New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt
With at least 20 players crocked or hopeless, new manager Louis Van Gaal admitted that Manchester United’s injury crisis has meant some radical rethinking prior to this weekend’s match against West Ham.
As well as the inevitable call up from retirement for stalwart Ryan Giggs, the Dutchman with the Tefal head seems to have overheated his vast brain with his latest comments at the regular Friday press conference.
“Yes, we had to recall Giggs,” he said. “Ryan is fit as he ever was, and still works at his game which he proved last night when he made a pass at my wife.” Continue reading
“Psst. Stop limping Phil, it’s your shoulder that’s injured.”
Many English Premiership footballers have only one game left in which to plan and suffer a devastating injury.
The prize at stake is missing the national team’s humiliation in Brazil and enjoying a long lazy summer with their cash and other close friends.
Arsenal’s Theo Walcott submitted a sick note as long ago as January, confirming his status as a true visionary in the eyes of his fans. Continue reading
Cheerio then David
With David Moyes’ disastrous but hilarious reign as Manchester United manager having come to an end the search has begun for the man to replace him. There are certain qualities needed to manage one of the world’s biggest football clubs and here we run through some of the candidates who look like they could do a better job of it than Moyes did. Continue reading
Football fans across England have reacted with joy to the news that Sir Alex Ferguson will take a prominent role in deciding Manchester United’s next manager.
Several promising candidates being considered…
Following the unalloyed success of the Scot’s previously chosen candidate, there is general delight that football is to be treated to another exhibition of genius recruitment from the master.
An Old Trafford spokesman confirmed this morning that the most enjoyable hiring process since Basil Fawlty employed Manuel was under way.
“Sir Alex has proved his judgement a thousand times over the years, and he have total confidence in him,” he insisted. “Yes, he’s not as young as he used to be, and sometimes forgets what his name is, but you can’t argue with experience.”
“It might be true that he comes into meetings still in his pyjamas some days, thinks he’s Napoleon and smells of wee, but the board retain every confidence in him.” Continue reading
Manchester City unveil new statue to commemorate Moyes’ achievements at United
With the confirmation coming out of Old Trafford that David Moyes has been sacked as Manchester United manager, the other 91 clubs in the football league have already announced plans for testimonials to thank him for the work he has done in the last few months.
Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinio are just two of the managers that have spent years trying to knock Manchester United from the top two of the Premier League, However David Moyes has shown what a quality manager he is by doing the job in less than a year.
Like the band on the Titanic, Rooney says he now has enough reasons not to jump ship
After months of tough contract negotiations and threats to hand in a transfer request, Wayne Rooney has stumbled across 300,000 reasons a week to stay at Manchester United.
Currently on 250,000 reasons a week, the extra 50,000 reasons was enough for him to end speculation and finally sign a 5 year contract.
The striker and Shrek look-a-like said that even up to last week United’s position meant that the 250,000 reasons he had to stay were not enough, but he has now conceded that the extra few reasons he’s got are enough to convince him he loves the club and will remain loyal until he needs more reasons to stay. “Once a red, always a red” he said.
Comparing himself to the band on the Titanic, Rooney said he is willing to keep playing despite the sinking feeling on board at Old Trafford. “Its the right and moral thing to do,” he told reporters. “If that band had a contract worth £82.8m, I’m sure they would still be playing now.”
Rooney getting married mid-pitch probably didn’t help
Manchester United ex-manager elect David Moyes says that Man United’s slump is nothing to do with him, but is almost certainly God’s retribution for either the legalisation of gay marriage, giving women the vote, or possibly Wayne Rooney’s haircut.
Moyes pointed to God’s reputation for ‘working in mysterious ways’, and said that God needed to find other ways of show His displeasure given that the traditional ‘lots of rain and floods’ is now just considered normal weather in the UK.
On me head, son!
An Iraqi suicide bomber has apologised unreservedly for his “insensitive” decision to appear as a Manchester United player at a fancy dress party.
The anonymous Al-Qaeda fighter from Iraq’s western Anbar province wanted to make a humorous comment on the hopelessness of existence and the futility of life, and believed dressing up as a Man Utd player would be the perfect way to achieve this. Continue reading
QPR buy a safe pair of hands for Robert Green
The English Football Association and English Premier League have bowed to pressure from clubs and introduced a January transplant window. The move will help both smaller clubs who struggle to afford a whole player in today’s overheated market, and the marquee clubs who want to improve a star player’s weak spot.
The first few days of the new transplant window has seen numerous deals.
As expected, Premier League aspirants Queens Park Rangers have gone to the market for a safe pair of hands for Robert Green, and Peter Schmeichel’s large mitts have been secured for a 7 figure sum. Robert Green welcomed the news of the record transplant saying: “It won’t change me one bit, well apart from the fact that I’ll now be able to catch the ball of course.”
Everybody clap your hands. Now sliiiiiiiiiiide!
Gangnam Style, the Harlem Shake and Twerking have all had their day and now the latest dance craze is set to be the Manchester United dance, made up almost entirely of backwards steps.
“This is already sweeping the UK, proving especially popular in Liverpool and certain parts of Manchester with a sky blue colour theme. Given Manchester United’s global appeal I would expect it to be seen on dance floors around the world within the next few months.” said David Moyes, the man credited as being the inspiration behind the first viral dance craze of 2014. Continue reading
From the 2014 ‘Moyes Looking Upset’ calendar
Back-to-back losses in the Premier League, a lacklustre win against travel-weary Ukrainian opponents in the Champions League, closer to the relegation zone than the top of the table – you would think there has never been a better time to hate Manchester United – But that’s the problem, say dedicated Manchester United hater groups, as the internet drowns in amateur Man U mockers quick to join in the sneering season.
“It’s easy to mock them when they’re losing 1-0 at Stoke on a rainy Wednesday night, but where were these Johnny-come-lately misery hunters when Man United were winning everything?” moaned one die-hard hater on The Manchester United Haters Club Facebook page. “They don’t even know the basics like writing ‘ManUre’ in blogs to show you hate them”
The second coming?
With David Moyes’ reign hanging by a thread after another loss, Sir Alex Ferguson clarified that there is no way in the world he would return as Man Utd manager even if paid £15 million a year, his son got a £5 million fee for arranging the deal, and his statue was increased in height by a foot.
“They could offer me all that and more and I still wouldn’t be interested” said Sir Alex. “I’d say no to the job even if they threw in some champion racehorses, a holiday house in Barbados, and chained David Beckham to the wall so I could throw shoes at him.”
Who needs a V2 rocket when you have a hairdryer?
Red-faced Man Utd Head of Media David Sternberg unreservedly apologised for the Nazi style content in the Club newsletter, and explained that the swastika-like logo and reference to a “New Order” was because the newsletter editor misunderstand the instruction to profile “that terrible dictator”.
“Obviously we meant Sir Alex and not Adolf Hitler. Don’t get me wrong, Hitler was bad, but I’m not sure even he could have brought Roy Keane to tears, or thrown a boot at such a big star as David Beckham” said Sternberg.
I’ll give you £30m for Fabregas. No? Ok, £28m.
Over twelve hours after the transfer window closed it has emerged that David Moyes is still sat in his office making futile attempts to sign midfielders from Spain’s La Liga.
Having failed in an early summer bid to sign Thiago Alcantara from Barcelona, the new Manchester United manager turned his attention to failing to land Cesc Fabregas. After successfully seeing a number of bids rejected he then moved on to Ander Herrera from Athletic Bilbao, before turning in a late bid for Sami Khedira, and then going back to concentrating on Herrera not joining. Continue reading
Left Back in the past
Following discussions with human rights campaigner Peter Tachell, the Police have decreed that all chants and songs will be monitored to ensure that they are appropriate and politically balanced at all times.
Failure to adhere to the new rules could result in a ban and fans will be unable to travel to Brazil to support England in the World Cup. Not that they will be allowed to only support England as that would be biased which is strictly prohibited.
As the traditional “We hate Nottingham Forest” song is now outlawed, the Evening Harold has provided the following a new song for fans everywhere: Continue reading
Sir Alex ‘too tight’ to get a man in.
Despite being at a loose end for over three weeks now, retired Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson ‘still hasn’t put those bloody shelves up’, according to his wife Cathy.
Sir Alex has been promising to tackle various odd-jobs around the home since 1986, when he first moved the family for his new senior administrative role with a popular sports team in Manchester. But while most men retire around the age of 65, Cathy claims he ‘deliberately kept going into his 70s’ to avoid the looming spectre of DIY.
“Alex claims he’s good with his hands, but he’s not so much as rewired a plug since the early 90s”, revealed Cathy. “And when I say ‘rewired’, I mean ‘shouted at its metal little face for 94 minutes and then hit it with a shoe.”