Tag Archives: DIY

by | August 1, 2017 · 7:00 am

B&Q: garden sprinklers “will be back in stock by October”

Sprinklers definitely in stock by Christmas

The sprinkler aisle of the echoing barn you mooch around peering at tools, to avoid doing any actual DIY, will be fully stocked by October half-term.

“By Guy Fawkes night at the latest.” confirmed B&Q’s marketing director, Anna Jones today. “Probably. Definitely before you throw the hose into the shed for the winter.”

Jones says a fickle public is itself to blame for various shortages “Wellington boots? Hardly get looked at in July but by December, just after we’ve sent them back, it’s all ‘My allotment looks like the Somme, Continue reading →

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by | May 30, 2016 · 8:00 am

Man doesn’t visit Garden or DIY Centre at Bank Holiday

DIY_superstore

At every visit, something  inside you dies

A man from the quiet English village of Harold has stumped ‘Quest TV’ viewers and lifestyle experts alike by not buying plants or pozidriv screws this weekend.

Family man Gary Thorne, 43, a driver with Harold Bus Company, lives an otherwise unremarkable life as a devoted husband and a keen voyeur, swinger, and dogger. Continue reading →

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by | November 2, 2015 · 7:00 am

Support group formed for men who are ‘shit at hobbies’

Fishing isn't for everyone.

Fishing isn’t for everyone.

Men who lack the skills to hold down even the simplest of hobbies have been invited to a new support group in Harold.

Held within crawling distance of the walk-in village hospital, the group will meet on Tuesdays when the queue for A&E is at its shortest.

“Phil Evans will give a talk this week on how best to store a severed thumb, after changing the oil on a Morris Minor”, explained Pippa Delaney.

“And Mr Delaney will explain why you never need to wear safety goggles, when using a chisel to prise a woodscrew out of your knee.”
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by | June 3, 2013 · 11:00 am

Retired Sir Alex Ferguson ‘still hasn’t put those shelves up’

FERGIE

Sir Alex ‘too tight’ to get a man in.

Despite being at a loose end for over three weeks now, retired Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson ‘still hasn’t put those bloody shelves up’, according to his wife Cathy.

Sir Alex has been promising to tackle various odd-jobs around the home since 1986, when he first moved the family for his new senior administrative role with a popular sports team in Manchester. But while most men retire around the age of 65, Cathy claims he ‘deliberately kept going into his 70s’ to avoid the looming spectre of DIY.

“Alex claims he’s good with his hands, but he’s not so much as rewired a plug since the early 90s”, revealed Cathy. “And when I say ‘rewired’, I mean ‘shouted at its metal little face for 94 minutes and then hit it with a shoe.”
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