Tag Archives: bank holiday

Nation prepares to celebrate the end of PPI calls

“What a great time to be alive,” remarked Eddie Grudgingly, landlord of the Squirrel Lickers Arms. “It’s a Bank Holiday, the weather’s fair and PPI is coming to an end.”

“They said Austerity was over. Didn’t see anybody celebrating. They thought it was going to be like a War Is Over Lennon Ono anthem blaring out of the wireless and everybody dancing in the streets. Turned out damper than a squid that’s been dunked in a jar of tepid ale. Another pint?”

“But PPI, though. Nobody saw that coming and nobody saw it coming to an end either. And coinciding with a Bank Holiday. Last week, we had a couple of tourists in the Lickers. Spoke with a funny accent like that. I said ‘Who are you?’ and the bloke goes ‘Tourists’. I said ‘We don’t serve terrorists. Oh, you’re tourists. Are you both Taurus?’ Gin and tonic?”

“I’m putting on a Special on Thursday, which is when PPI ends, at midnight. Bit of a knees-up, Vera Lynn on the box. Miserable old git in the corner, going on about how he forgot to send his coupon in. He thinks it’s like the football pools. Then, when we get to midnight, it dawns on us – no more PPI phone calls! No more Angie’s Advice.”

“Boris up there, going ‘Oy, hold your horses, chaps, we haven’t finished Brexit yet.’ It’s not Brexit dividing the country, mate, it’s PPI. It’s those who claimed and those who didn’t. We all put up with the phone calls, but only 52% bothered to claim. The other 48% said, ‘No, we’re alright as we are, thanks.’ Now it’s over and nobody gives a toss one way or the other. Top up?”

“Anyway, you know what’s coming next, don’t you. Have you been mis-charged fees on your PPI claim?”

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Business, Tourism

Man doesn’t visit Garden or DIY Centre at Bank Holiday


At every visit, something  inside you dies

A man from the quiet English village of Harold has stumped ‘Quest TV’ viewers and lifestyle experts alike by not buying plants or pozidriv screws this weekend.

Family man Gary Thorne, 43, a driver with Harold Bus Company, lives an otherwise unremarkable life as a devoted husband and a keen voyeur, swinger, and dogger. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News

Today is not Tuesday


See? Wed-nes-day

Experts have issued a warning to remind the working population that today is not Tuesday, despite yesterday feeling very much like Monday.

“I know you only went back to work yesterday after the weekend, but that doesn’t mean that yesterday was Monday, and therefore doesn’t mean that today is Tuesday.” confirmed Simon Johnson, managing director of a company that makes calendars, “Today is in fact Wednesday. So if there is somewhere you are supposed to be on Wednesday then you might want to get there as soon as possible. Because it’s today.” Continue reading

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Archaeologists find ancient visitor centre below new Stonehenge visitor centre

visitor centre

Archaeologists have found earthen jam jars, crude tea towels and an early pen with a feather stuck in it.

A team of archaeologists has made a startling discovery near Stonehenge – an ancient visitor centre, dating back to the Mesolithic period.

Crudely constructed from stone and featuring ramp access for chariots, the ancient visitor centre was found while digging the foundations for a new visitor centre on the same spot.

“At first we weren’t sure what we’d found, which means it was definitely for ritual purposes”, said local historian George Hubert. “But we kept on digging, and soon discovered what appeared to be a diorama.”

The diorama is thought to represent the famous circle of standing stones, but was clearly made from old teeth and bits of knee caps.
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Filed under Culture, Lost and Found, Technology, Vikings

Highways Agency to ‘keep traffic moving’ by making their vehicles ‘undercover’.


With traditionally heavy Bank Holiday traffic expected on the road today, the Highways Agency has announced it is to help cars travel freely on the UK’s motorways by making their highway officers ‘undercover’.

The usually highly visible Highway Agency vehicles can be seen driving up and down the country’s motorway network, plodding along at 60mph, waiting for the opportunity to put out some cones or, on a really exciting day, close the road.
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Highways Agency hands over roadworks planning to ‘fairly thick monkey’


Always watching, always alert, always ready to pelt motorists with faeces

The Highways Agency has announced that it will employ a team of brain-damaged monkeys to take on responsibility for organising maintenance of Britain’s motorway network, a move expected to greatly improve the planning of roadworks. The announcement comes after red-faced officials realised that they had accidentally closed every road out of Birmingham at the same time for three whole days without giving any warning.

‘An angry motorist called us to complain that he had ran out of petrol on his third lap of the city of Birmingham, after moving from one diversion to another and finding every road out was closed.” said a spokesman, who also confirmed that the man had been fined £60 for using a handheld mobile phone while driving, despite being in a stationary vehicle.
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Filed under Around Harold, News