As the Easter Getaway causes traffic chaos across the UK this season’s first case of in-car cannibalism has been reported in a tailback on the M5. Continue reading
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The government has today announced the electrification of the M1 between London and Sheffield. Transport Minister Patrick McLoughlin also explained many other upgrades to the route that will see safety increased, including bumpers around the edge of the carriageway.
The electricity needed for vehicles to run will be supplied via a mesh running along the length of the route with a pole extending from the back of the car connecting it to the national grid. “Essentially we are going to invest billions of pounds in the world’s longest bumper car course” Mr McLoughlin told reporters. “This will of course become a toll road. You pay your £2.50 per person at the toll booth in exchange for a token to get your car going.”
With traditionally heavy Bank Holiday traffic expected on the road today, the Highways Agency has announced it is to help cars travel freely on the UK’s motorways by making their highway officers ‘undercover’.
The usually highly visible Highway Agency vehicles can be seen driving up and down the country’s motorway network, plodding along at 60mph, waiting for the opportunity to put out some cones or, on a really exciting day, close the road.
The Highways Agency has announced that it will employ a team of brain-damaged monkeys to take on responsibility for organising maintenance of Britain’s motorway network, a move expected to greatly improve the planning of roadworks. The announcement comes after red-faced officials realised that they had accidentally closed every road out of Birmingham at the same time for three whole days without giving any warning.
‘An angry motorist called us to complain that he had ran out of petrol on his third lap of the city of Birmingham, after moving from one diversion to another and finding every road out was closed.” said a spokesman, who also confirmed that the man had been fined £60 for using a handheld mobile phone while driving, despite being in a stationary vehicle.
Police were called to the collision at around 9.43am outside the charity shop. Eyewitnesses say it was caused by local resident, 86-year-old Elsie Duggan, stopping suddenly for no apparent reason.
Although we understand there are no fatalities, two have been taken to hospital for what are described as “minor injuries” and another was treated at the scene by a passing first aider.