The government has today announced the electrification of the M1 between London and Sheffield. Transport Minister Patrick McLoughlin also explained many other upgrades to the route that will see safety increased, including bumpers around the edge of the carriageway.
The electricity needed for vehicles to run will be supplied via a mesh running along the length of the route with a pole extending from the back of the car connecting it to the national grid. “Essentially we are going to invest billions of pounds in the world’s longest bumper car course” Mr McLoughlin told reporters. “This will of course become a toll road. You pay your £2.50 per person at the toll booth in exchange for a token to get your car going.”
There will be some additions to the Highway Code to accommodate the new scheme. “All cars using this stretch of road will have to travel in a clockwise direction.” the minister continued. “Motorway policing methods will also be updated. High performance, ANPR camera equipped vehicles will be replaced by a team of men of dubious character jumping on and off of the side of your car to lay down the law.”
Critics of the scheme say the only place it is destined for is failure. Speaking from his newly converted ‘electric bandwagon’, Ed Miliband told us about the dangers of allowing bumper cars on the road. “Although they may be more environmentally friendly, family trips up the M1 will become full of pre-school driving lessons. Parents will not be able to resist letting their three-year-olds use the steering wheel, while simultaneously criticising their driving.”
With big white numbers being painted on to the cars to make them easily identifiable, it is expected that bridges over the motorway will need to be reinforced to deal with the increased numbers of ‘car spotters’. Despite the increased risk that brings, safety campaigners have praised the announcement and have called for it to be rolled out across the whole of the motorway network.
“Although cars will be bumping into each other and there will always be one car going the wrong way, the decreased speed will help reduce serious accidents,” a health and safety expert wearing a cotton wool padded hi-viz jacket told us. “And when you’re crashing for fun, what’s a bit of whiplash between friends.”