Highways Agency hands over roadworks planning to ‘fairly thick monkey’


Always watching, always alert, always ready to pelt motorists with faeces

The Highways Agency has announced that it will employ a team of brain-damaged monkeys to take on responsibility for organising maintenance of Britain’s motorway network, a move expected to greatly improve the planning of roadworks. The announcement comes after red-faced officials realised that they had accidentally closed every road out of Birmingham at the same time for three whole days without giving any warning.

‘An angry motorist called us to complain that he had ran out of petrol on his third lap of the city of Birmingham, after moving from one diversion to another and finding every road out was closed.” said a spokesman, who also confirmed that the man had been fined £60 for using a handheld mobile phone while driving, despite being in a stationary vehicle.

“Our policy has always been to create the maximum disruption with the minimum effort, never to check what work is already happening in an area before authorising more and to give as little prior notice as possible, but it appears we may have gone too far this time.”

The new process will see officials working in conjunction with a charity for monkeys who have suffered serious head injuries. The monkeys will take on the planning of future roadworks by randomly mashing buttons with their face.

“We conducted a survey amongst motorists stranded on a B road, after we had closed a significant stretch of the North-bound M1 and diverted all the rush hour traffic through a small Northamptonshire village. The feedback about the new plans was overwhelmingly positive.” continued the spokesman,

“We are also hoping that replacing some of our current employees with monkeys will see less shit being thrown at the walls.’

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