Category Archives: Transport

by | August 13, 2018 · 5:06 am

Passengers undermining us by wanting trains: complain rail bosses

Don’t even look at it. There’s nothing for you here.

In a sight that could provoke tears in a concrete statue of a stiff upper lip some of the most vulnerable people in Britain, rail company bosses, bravely spoke out about the trials they face.

“All we’re trying to do is make a huge profit while investing as much in maintenance and infrastructure as Boris Johnson would in a machine that could induce a state of contrition,” said Manfred Rudhart, CEO of Arriva.

“But our mission is undermined by passengers making ludicrous demands like a season ticket costing thousands of pounds resulting in access to a train they could get on every so often and use to go on a journey.” Continue reading →

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by | July 30, 2018 · 2:28 pm

Legal permission no longer needed to end care of ‘minimally conscious’ Chris Grayling

Trying to remember his first point. No one home and even the lights aren’t on

The Supreme Court has ruled that hapless Transport Minister Chris Grayling, who has been in a persistent vegetative state for many years, no longer needs the legal framework of an election to have his financial support withdrawn.

Manchester’s Mayor, Andy Burnham has written to the PM after many requests to Chris Grayling, to actually do the job he’s paid for, went unanswered.

“There’s been little evidence of brain activity from when he was Minister of Justice” said Burnham “and nothing at all since he was moved to Transport. I’ve told Mrs May it would be a kindness to cut off his life-supporting salary.”

Nevertheless, he will make one further contact with Grayling. “The cancelled rail electrification scheme still has loads of kit lying around.” Burnham explained. “We’re going to wire up a 2500 kW Hyundai generator to his gonads and wind it up to full power”.

Burnham agreed that this would have no effect on Grayling’s performance. “We just want to see if we can make his ears light up. The idea is surprisingly popular”.

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by | June 25, 2018 · 1:35 pm

‘You can still lie down in front of the bulldozers’ the UK tells Boris

The tiresome wanker is expected to ruffle his hair when challenged

Although Boris Johnson will miss today’s Commons third Heathrow runway vote, hoping to swerve his promise to lie in front of the bulldozers, the UK has told him as the work won’t start yet he can do the right thing when he gets home.

An online petition for him to do so was signed by over 250,000 people within three hours of being launched. “I’ll give him a lift to Heathrow day or night, I’ve even got a groundsheet for him to lie on.” said Carly Jeffrey, a teaching assistant from Harold who started the petition. “Though lying is something he’s rather good at, anytime, anywhere. Of course he’ll have to sit in the back.” she added “Not behind me. Continue reading →

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by | June 20, 2018 · 10:20 am

Trump ready to go to Mars for talks with the Martians

“Hmm… it’s worth a try, Spock.”

“China has been ripping us off with their steel and, if we’re not careful, they’ll have all the moon-cheese too,” said Trump. “That is why I have asked NASA to set up Space Patrol, to guard the intergalactic highways, to stop illegal aliens crossing Earth’s atmosphere and to protect against the theft of all the Kryptonite.”

Having recently travelled to N Korea to give the ‘jolly fat rocket-man’ an earful, Trump has developed a new taste for boldly going where no President has been before.

“I want NASA to fly me to Mars,” he said. “I’ve seen pictures of it and it definitely looks a bit red. You don’t need a degree in astrophysics to know what that means. And why are the Martians green? Are they naive climate-control freaks? It’s obvious to me they’re a threat and sooner or later they will invade. That’s why I need to get up there and do a deal with them.” Continue reading →

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by | May 17, 2018 · 1:57 am

Grayling will ‘take back control’ of East Coast Rail two years after referendum

Characteristically sincere smile

Chris Grayling says 24th June is a symbolic date to take over East Coast Rail and celebrate the anniversary of the EU referendum.

“During the referendum, we promised to start taking back control on 24th June and this is me delivering on that pledge” said Grayling adding, with characteristic sincerity, “I think you’ll agree we didn’t say which year. Or what we’d be taking control of.”

Mr Grayling has drawn on his experience as Justice Minister, where he developed the principles of selling off utilities for private profit. “The naysayers said it wouldn’t work but I’m not stupid.” he chuckled “The contracts allowed the government to bail out any contracts that ran into trouble. So it actually worked very well.”

“My work for … err with G4S and the tagging schemes taught me what I needed to know about bailing out railway companies and I can guarantee as soon as this railway thing is back into profit I’ll get those contracts out to tender again. That’s one in the eye for the EU, eh?”

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by | January 2, 2018 · 11:51 am

Grayling on rail fare rises “Buy a second home on expenses, like me.”

Astonishingly, Grayling really is as daft and as honest as he looks

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling says commuters unhappy with rail price hikes should consider buying a second home on expenses.

“When rail fares went up, you didn’t see me moaning. No, I did the sensible thing and got the public to buy me another house. Quite why passengers can’t do the same is beyond me, are they all Corbyn Continue reading →

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by | November 19, 2017 · 2:22 pm

Driverless cars ‘logical next step’ for rudderless government says Chancellor

It hasn’t lost all humanity and will still throw your parcels over the fence

With funding for expanding driverless car use in the budget, Philip Hammond says the Tories have already piloted the idea, using entirely rudderless government.

“It uses very much the same principles.” said the Chancellor, dancing around and waving a torch so as to be seen “You swap a human driver, who is susceptible to being distracted by thoughts, feelings, and suchlike, for an emotionless robot making choices on Continue reading →

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by | October 7, 2017 · 8:54 am

Road resurfacing chippings to be sponsored by windscreen replacement industry

Ouch A nice little earner.

From 2018, all tar and stone chipping resurfacing will be paid for by the UK’s windscreen replacement businesses.

“We’re just formalising the setup that’s worked for years where, instead of government paying an extra £300 per day for a road roller, motorists happily sacrifice their cars’ bodywork and windscreens.”  said Transport Secretary Chris Grayling, one of the few MPs who can make Iain Duncan Smith seem Continue reading →

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by | September 29, 2017 · 8:37 pm

Michael O’Leary explains regulations breach “We don’t give a shit.”

Always getting better, at being shits

Michael O’Leary says Ryanair’s lying to passengers should be seen in the light of the company not giving a shit about them.

“When you put our behaviour in context it all makes sense. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I don’t give a shit, Ryanair doesn’t give a shit, it’s all entirely consistent. Why is that so hard to understand?”

Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery is a Ryanair customer whose flight was cancelled at short notice. “The next flight they could book me on is in January but as I was going to my mother’s funeral Continue reading →

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by | April 27, 2017 · 3:35 pm

Dead giant rabbit was ‘disruptive’, say United Airlines

That rabbit’s dynamite!

The world’s largest bunny rabbit which was found brutally beaten to death with hammers on a United Airlines flight had been ‘disruptive’, according to airline CEO Oscar Munoz.

In an internal email to staff, Munoz confirmed that the rabbit, a 3ft continental giant called Simon, had become ‘uncooperative’ after being denied lettuce.

Passengers on board the aircraft then posted harrowing scenes of the animal being dragged from its hutch by security, beaten with hammers and then boiled alive in front of screaming children.

“This is standard operating procedure, and I commend our staff for their actions,” insisted Munoz. “Especially the hammers thing.”

“Without going into details, the bunny in question had been asked several times to stop making that hungry grunting sound they do, and it declined to comply, on the grounds that it didn’t speak English or have a clue what the hell we were talking about.”

“In cases such as these, the use of hammers and the boiling thing are entirely justified by aviation laws.”

Critics have suggested that beating customers with hammers and then boiling them to death might not be the hallmark of a modern caring company, but United Airlines have pointed out “Fuck you”.

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by | April 10, 2017 · 1:13 pm

An ode in celebration of Southern rail boss Charles Horton being awarded a near 100% pay rise

This Southern train appears to be in motion, must be a fake photograph

This is the Southern rail crossing the border,
Bringing Charles the cheque and the postal order,

Money for him, nothing for the poor
commuters who stand pressed ‘gainst the toilet door…

Shareholder thanks, letters from banks,
Isn’t Charles a talented boy?
Stacks of cash and invitations
To accept a knighthood or with the PM libations,
Shred the breach of safety situations, Continue reading →

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by | February 4, 2017 · 1:45 pm

M5 repairs will last forever, “or… could we do some work on it?” asks Grayling

Crying out for the rigours of the tax haven

Highways England say roadworks on the M5 near Worcester could last another decade or more, as they’ve only had one man working there since October 2015.

“Mostly he picks up crisp packets and condoms discarded by commuters stuck in traffic.” said a ministry spokeswoman “On a slack day, he polishes the ‘Thank you for driving carefully signs’.”

Building on his experience of buggering up the Justice system, Chris Grayling hopes to repeat the trick in Transport, by splitting the M5 into separate parts, Continue reading →

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by | January 23, 2017 · 9:51 am

Travel agent sells Brexiter a package holiday to Xenophobia

A Dunstable travel agent asked to recommend a Greek island with lots of British food and beer and no foreigners cheekily suggested ‘Xenophobia’ only for her client to adamantly suggest he wanted to go there.

“It was a mess all of my own making” admitted Sarah from Thomson. “When he asked how far it is from Luton to Xenophobia, I shouldn’t have said ‘surprisingly close’.”
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Video

Grayling: “Knocking over a cyclist is a metaphor for my political credo.”

chris-grayling-cyclist

Now f**k off and keep your mouth shut

Chris Grayling, compared to whom even his awful predecessor Norman Tebbit seems benign, says flattening a cyclist, as videod by another cyclist, is a metaphor for his wider political beliefs.

“The most vulnerable in society always deserve special attention.” said Grayling, cracking his knuckles “So, as soon as an arsehole on a bike drew alongside my Limo in a traffic jam, whallop, I doored him. Continue reading →

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by | December 16, 2016 · 3:27 pm
by | October 26, 2016 · 11:57 am

Boris’ opposition to Heathrow was just “an academic exercise, exploring its many benefits”

boris-digger

Remember? Boris said he’d be driving one of these

“When people thought I was against it, I was running for Mayor of London but now I’m Top Kiddie at the FO and planning to stay.” Boris Johnson bumbled today, describing how his perceived opposition to a third Heathrow runway was merely him exploring its benefits for himself.

Johnson explained that protesters must, in some strange way, have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, whilst he was in fact just convincing himself how weak their argument was. “I didn’t expect anyone to think I was expressing a genuine belief though, because I don’t have any.”

“Yes I did say that I’d lie down in front of the bulldozers” Continue reading →

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by | February 4, 2016 · 3:15 pm

PM explains robbing disabled people’s Motability is being fair to the rich

cameronpointing

You there, do you really need those crutches?

David Cameron has stopped tens of thousands of disabled people getting Motability transport as it’s unfair to rich people like himself.

“Some of us rich people like hoovering up public funds for our own families. Others are fat but receive no help getting into our big cars and Motability savings could pay for a whole fleet of gut winches. Once they’ve been invented.”

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by | November 25, 2015 · 7:00 am

Car-share unpopular with men of a certain age, study finds

carshare1

These people don’t use the drive home to catch up on farting

Research shows car-sharing is being hampered by more than a simple desire for nose-picking privacy.

Dr Rachel Guest recently published her study on male aversion to car-sharing.

To save you the bother of reading all 323 pages, we have adopted government practice by cherry-picking from ‘Appendix (ii) Respondents’ comments’ and pasting them here:

“I pretend to visit the HR department every Friday afternoon, but actually go home early at 3.30.” Continue reading →

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by | October 31, 2015 · 2:28 pm

Similar-looking men share world’s most stilted flight conversation

untwinsWhen a man was seated next to a slightly similar-looking man on a flight to Galway, he immediately got giddy and shared a selfie with the world.

Little were the ‘pair’ to know but they were about to share something else: the most awkward flight conversation in history.

When I saw my doppelganger, I didn’t know what was going on”, said Neil Douglas. “So I took a picture, and made a massive fuss about the whole thing.”
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by | September 3, 2015 · 12:46 pm

Network Rail offers pre-emptive apology for disruption this autumn

"We're sorry if our apology seems insincere."

“We’re sorry if our apology seems insincere.”

In a move designed to scupper rail management critics, Network Rail operations boss Mark Carne has issued a full apology in advance of the unexpected disruptions to services this coming autumn.

“A sophisticated and coordinated attack on rail lines by foliage around November can be neither foreseen nor planned for, no matter how good your intelligence,” he said.

“I want to say a sincere and personal ‘sorry’ to all those commuters stuck in the middle of nowhere, who will have paid good money for the privilege.”

“I would also like to reassure our customers that we are doing all we can to prepare for the winter, but there is no climatologist alive can be expected to predict freak conditions causing snow on such an unprecedented scale. Again, I say I’m sorry.”
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by | July 8, 2015 · 7:00 am

Tube drivers commemorate day London got moving by going on strike

train driver

Drivers undergo exhaustive training.

London’s tube train drivers are marking the tenth anniversary of the day London defiantly got moving again, by defiantly staying in bed.

With a paltry £2.5k bonus and a 2 percent payrise to top up their meagre £50k salary on offer, rail workers claimed it wasn’t enough to stop them treating their customers with utter contempt.

“It’s tradition”, said Terence Cockney, who is employed to sit down near a lever. “We always strike at Christmas, bank holidays or when it causes the most offence.”
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