Tag Archives: chris grayling

Grayling gives £108m contract to Bryan Ferry

Theresa May has defended legendary Transport Secretary Chris Grayling after it emerged that Grayling has unwittingly bestowed a £108m nautical transport contract upon former Roxy Music singer Bryan Ferry.

“Well he sounds like a boat,” insisted a haunted-looking ministerial spokesperson this morning. “You have to admit he sounds like a boat, and that’s definitely better than a company with no boats.”

“Isn’t it?”

Millionaire singer Ferry is currently enjoying a solo tour in Australia, and has presumably little interest in post-Brexit medical supply chain logistics, despite the fact that his son is a fox-hunting toss bag.

Nevertheless, the front man pronounced himself “delighted” with Grayling’s unexpected largesse, and announced his intention to spend the money on wild animals for his son to torture.

Prime Minster May refused to condemn the now psychedelically ludicrous misadventures of her Transport Secretary, insisting that Grayling is “the best man for the job.”

“Believe me,” she confessed. “I’ve looked at all the others, and they’re actually worse. He really is the turd de la turd.”

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Filed under Brexit, News

Wait a minute, they’ve got no ships, announces Grayling

Legendary Transport Secretary Chris Grayling finally realised today that the shipping firm to whom he awarded a £108m Brexit contract actually has no ships.

Despite the very obvious gaping sea-void where ships ought to be, which was noticed by everyone else within five minutes of the contact being announced, it seems that Mr Grayling has only just made the leap of logic required.

“It’s ridiculous,” he insisted to a group of ashen-faced journalists this morning. “I mean, come on, they don’t have any ships! What idiot signed this off?”

“And it gets worse,” he continued, to general awe from his audience. “Have you seen their website? It looks to me like they’ve only gone and copied the terms and conditions from a pizza delivery company!”

“Why does no-one notice these things? I mean, you’d have to be some kind of incompetent moron, wouldn’t you?”

Grayling was quick to reassure everyone that now he is onto this, the ludicrous contract has been cancelled, and there will be no repeat of this kind of fiasco.

“Forget ferries, we’re now seeking providers for an airline freight company to fly over all the medicines and things we’ll be desperately short of,” he explained.

“There’s one here in the phone book called Domino’s – they deliver in 15 minutes, apparently – I’ve already sent them the cheque.”

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Legal permission no longer needed to end care of ‘minimally conscious’ Chris Grayling

Trying to remember his first point. No one home and even the lights aren’t on

The Supreme Court has ruled that hapless Transport Minister Chris Grayling, who has been in a persistent vegetative state for many years, no longer needs the legal framework of an election to have his financial support withdrawn.

Manchester’s Mayor, Andy Burnham has written to the PM after many requests to Chris Grayling, to actually do the job he’s paid for, went unanswered.

“There’s been little evidence of brain activity from when he was Minister of Justice” said Burnham “and nothing at all since he was moved to Transport. I’ve told Mrs May it would be a kindness to cut off his life-supporting salary.”

Nevertheless, he will make one further contact with Grayling. “The cancelled rail electrification scheme still has loads of kit lying around.” Burnham explained. “We’re going to wire up a 2500 kW Hyundai generator to his gonads and wind it up to full power”.

Burnham agreed that this would have no effect on Grayling’s performance. “We just want to see if we can make his ears light up. The idea is surprisingly popular”.

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Filed under News, Transport, Travel

Rail Minister won’t resign: “I’ve f*cked up more than this and wasn’t sacked”

Anyone got a tissue? I was thinking of sacking poor people and ooohh …”

Perennial arsehole, Chris Grayling says he won’t resign in the wake of the catastrophic meltdown of the rail system because “some big boys did it and ran away”.

“It’s not my fault” said the front-bench arsehole, whose management of the criminal justice system was so appalling that his replacement, Michael Gove seemed like a breath of enlightened fresh air. [Look, we can’t do everything for you; just google ‘Chris Grayling, Minister of Justice’ and see for yourselves. Best have a large gin to hand when you do so, unless it’s after 2pm when you can have a quadruple.]

Grayling’s survival in the cabinet led many to believe he has the negatives from Theresa May’s pornographic bio-pic “Give it to me Big Boy” which charted her otherwise inexplicable rise to the highest public office in the land.

“Trust me” said Grayling, who one claimed parliamentary expenses for a property only stumbling-distance from the House of Commons and a mere  seventeen minutes by rail from his actual home. “I’m a Conservative.”

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Filed under News

Grayling will ‘take back control’ of East Coast Rail two years after referendum

Characteristically sincere smile

Chris Grayling says 24th June is a symbolic date to take over East Coast Rail and celebrate the anniversary of the EU referendum.

“During the referendum, we promised to start taking back control on 24th June and this is me delivering on that pledge” said Grayling adding, with characteristic sincerity, “I think you’ll agree we didn’t say which year. Or what we’d be taking control of.”

Mr Grayling has drawn on his experience as Justice Minister, where he developed the principles of selling off utilities for private profit. “The naysayers said it wouldn’t work but I’m not stupid.” he chuckled “The contracts allowed the government to bail out any contracts that ran into trouble. So it actually worked very well.”

“My work for … err with G4S and the tagging schemes taught me what I needed to know about bailing out railway companies and I can guarantee as soon as this railway thing is back into profit I’ll get those contracts out to tender again. That’s one in the eye for the EU, eh?”

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Filed under EU referendum, News, Transport

Grayling on rail fare rises “Buy a second home on expenses, like me.”

Astonishingly, Grayling really is as daft and as honest as he looks

Transport Secretary Chris Grayling says commuters unhappy with rail price hikes should consider buying a second home on expenses.

“When rail fares went up, you didn’t see me moaning. No, I did the sensible thing and got the public to buy me another house. Quite why passengers can’t do the same is beyond me, are they all Corbyn Continue reading

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Filed under News, Transport

Road resurfacing chippings to be sponsored by windscreen replacement industry

Ouch A nice little earner.

From 2018, all tar and stone chipping resurfacing will be paid for by the UK’s windscreen replacement businesses.

“We’re just formalising the setup that’s worked for years where, instead of government paying an extra £300 per day for a road roller, motorists happily sacrifice their cars’ bodywork and windscreens.”  said Transport Secretary Chris Grayling, one of the few MPs who can make Iain Duncan Smith seem Continue reading

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Filed under Motoring, News, Transport

As tagging scheme proves as useless as him, Chris Grayling “still certain” he must have done something right at MoJ

insists not every single bloody decision he made was a complete disaster.

The f%cknugget against whom every other f%cknugget is measured, the gold standard f%cknugget Chris Grayling, is sure he did something right as Justice Minister.

 

“To give you a clue about his competence,” said a weary MoJ insider “when Michael Gove took over here and reversed many of Chris’ decisions, he seemed like Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, News, Politics, Technology

M5 repairs will last forever, “or… could we do some work on it?” asks Grayling

Crying out for the rigours of the tax haven

Highways England say roadworks on the M5 near Worcester could last another decade or more, as they’ve only had one man working there since October 2015.

“Mostly he picks up crisp packets and condoms discarded by commuters stuck in traffic.” said a ministry spokeswoman “On a slack day, he polishes the ‘Thank you for driving carefully signs’.”

Building on his experience of buggering up the Justice system, Chris Grayling hopes to repeat the trick in Transport, by splitting the M5 into separate parts, Continue reading

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Filed under News, Transport

Grayling: “Knocking over a cyclist is a metaphor for my political credo.”

chris-grayling-cyclist

Now f**k off and keep your mouth shut

Chris Grayling, compared to whom even his awful predecessor Norman Tebbit seems benign, says flattening a cyclist, as videod by another cyclist, is a metaphor for his wider political beliefs.

“The most vulnerable in society always deserve special attention.” said Grayling, cracking his knuckles “So, as soon as an arsehole on a bike drew alongside my Limo in a traffic jam, whallop, I doored him. Continue reading

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by | December 16, 2016 · 3:27 pm

Unused left-hand lane of M1 to be dug up and used for affordable homes

audi-in-middle-lane

Sticking to the middle lane gives me the option to doze off

The Department for Transport says the ‘unproductive’ left hand lane and grass verges of the UK’s busiest motorway will be redeveloped for social and affordable homes.

“We were going to teach people to drive properly but when Hammond called for more departmental cuts I thought ‘why bother?'” said minister, Chris Grayling.

“As the former justice minister I’m used to destroying redundant structures, such as the prison service. In fact I might pop along help with this. I’ve still got the sledge hammer I used on the Legal Aid system Continue reading

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Filed under Housing, News

“Amazing!” says Probation Inspector when he learned his wife had won probation contracts

amazed

Hoping for another job working with offenders. Maybe with Sodexo

“I was reading Private Eye recently and discovered that my wife was a Director of Sodexo”, said Paul McDowell the chief inspector of probation.

“I was particularly shocked when I read that Sodexo had partnered with NACRO, a charity I used to run. And if you think that was a co-incidence, that same partnership then won a whole sheaf of probation contracts! What were the chances?”

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Filed under Business, charity, Crime, Law and Order

Human Rights Act should give precedence to right to have your head attached to rest of your body

Caution: may contain traces of rant

Caution: may contain traces of rant

The Evening Harold has a long history of tolerance and inclusivity. 200 years ago we made a stand against slavery by giving our office slaves their freedom and replacing them with mandrills. More recently, we reported on how the whole village had adopted the Niqab and declared it to be lovely. We looked at whether moderate cat ladies should condemn extremist cat ladies, and we made fun of Britain First because, as far as we can see, that is the point of Britain First.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Law and Order

Victim worried by Cameron’s claim: ‘all my thoughts are with you’

cameronthinking1

I’m really thinking ‘what’s for dinner?’

A victim of last week’s River Gluggle flood is concerned, after David Cameron emailed to say that all his thoughts were with him. Villager Dominic Delaney had contacted MP Spencer Chadwick to complain about the floods but received a response from the PM instead.

An anxious Delaney had this to say “I’ve no idea when his thoughts are due here … although I had a dreadful headache this morning. I assumed it was the lingering stench of sewage but maybe it was him; who knows what shit he thinks about? He might start thinking about bacon at any moment and I’m vegetarian”.

Rev Tansy Forster is backing Delaney’s fight against politicians’ indiscriminate sending of unwanted thoughts, and believes they’re becoming more frequent in the run-up to the election.”Some of them are so inappropriate. I was choosing what to have for breakfast on New Year’s eve when a fully-costed plan to feed prisoners pig-swill popped into my head; I’d accidentally tuned in to Chris Grayling’s malign resolution-brooding.”

“The next morning, when I was supposed to be praying, I wondered if it would be fun to kick away the crutches of disabled benefit claimants. I suspected it was satan tempting me” said Forster “but when I began to think about selling their crutches on Ebay I realised I was channelling Iain Duncan Smith.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Election 2015, Politics

‘Lock up your kids’ a promise not a warning says Grayling

ccatcherLarge

Don’t worry, they won’t be your kids, or those of your friends. Their parents probably shop in Lidl.

Chris Grayling has defended his latest blundering about in the criminal justice system, building children’s super-prisons, pointing out that they will always be for other people’s kids so nice people like you haven’t got anything to worry about.

Like Mr Graylings other initiatives, this one is soundly based on European research; his gardeners are all from Turkey and agreed the idea seemed good when it was explained to them in the greenhouse last Thursday. Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics, Uncategorized

Prime Minister’s QC brother does unpaid ‘Community Service’

No this isn’t Dave, but it’s a scary thought isn’t it?

 A complicated fraud trial has been halted by a Judge because of cuts at the Ministry of Justice.

“To be strictly accurate, there is essentially one ‘Cut’ responsible.” said Alex Cameron QC, working free of charge on the application yesterday, “Chris Grayling, known as the ‘Unkindest Cut of all’ down at the Bailey. At least I think that’s what they call him.” Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics

Now Osborne complains: “Evans asked for a Hand Out”

shocked nigel evans

“You’re kidding!” Evans sees his lawyer’s invoice

Nigel Evans will not re-apply for the Conservative whip until he knows if his recent defence costs will be met by the CPS, say friends.

“Obviously, as a Tory, I’d  be opposed to any increase in state funding, especially for defending alleged criminals” said the former Conservative MP.

“However, just as obviously, as a flesh and blood human being, I feel very hard-done-by and frankly, to quote my bank manager, ‘completely skint’”. Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics

Prison visitors protest as all books must now be smuggled in rectally

book_smuggle

“Not the box set!”

After complaints from the literary establishment against the new policy of banning prison inmates from receiving books, protests have now spread to relatives of the prisoners, who have found to their discomfort that all reading material must be smuggled inside by the usual channels, specifically the rectum.

Anal contraband is a part of everyday prison life, but the items smuggled have usually been rather smaller than, say, a 759-page copy of the last Harry Potter novel, and relatives are finding themselves stretched as never before. Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Culture

G4S ‘at least as trustworthy as me’ claims minister

grayling crossed

Grayling only lies when his fingers are crossed

G4S, ‘the serial offenders co’, has offered to repay the Ministry of Justice £24.1m, after admitting the way it charged for tagging offenders was ‘not appropriate’.

Fortunately for G4S, its internal review found this wasn’t the result of dishonesty. Rather, it had wrongly thought it could claim for tagging people who were dead or in prison. Or both.

“We had a result over Olympic staffing with only 3% of the contract performance related” said a corporate oaf. “Ripping off government is a victimless crime, it’s not like dead prisoners are moaning.”
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Filed under News, Politics, Uncategorized

‘Security firms defend charging for tagging prisoners and dead people, citing amount of criminals and Jimmy Savile’

One piece of jewellery Savile never owned

One piece of jewellery Savile never owned

Two security firms accused of charging tax-payers to tag people who have gone abroad, are in prison or who have died, have hit back saying that they were just keeping an eye on the most dangerous in society.

A spokesman for G4S, one of the companies involved, said “we have actually done a lot of research into the type of person we should be tagging and far from conning the government, we have actually been doing them a favour. For example, did you know that in prison, 100% of the inmates have a criminal record?
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Filed under News, Politics