Victim worried by Cameron’s claim: ‘all my thoughts are with you’


I’m really thinking ‘what’s for dinner?’

A victim of last week’s River Gluggle flood is concerned, after David Cameron emailed to say that all his thoughts were with him. Villager Dominic Delaney had contacted MP Spencer Chadwick to complain about the floods but received a response from the PM instead.

An anxious Delaney had this to say “I’ve no idea when his thoughts are due here … although I had a dreadful headache this morning. I assumed it was the lingering stench of sewage but maybe it was him; who knows what shit he thinks about? He might start thinking about bacon at any moment and I’m vegetarian”.

Rev Tansy Forster is backing Delaney’s fight against politicians’ indiscriminate sending of unwanted thoughts, and believes they’re becoming more frequent in the run-up to the election.”Some of them are so inappropriate. I was choosing what to have for breakfast on New Year’s eve when a fully-costed plan to feed prisoners pig-swill popped into my head; I’d accidentally tuned in to Chris Grayling’s malign resolution-brooding.”

“The next morning, when I was supposed to be praying, I wondered if it would be fun to kick away the crutches of disabled benefit claimants. I suspected it was satan tempting me” said Forster “but when I began to think about selling their crutches on Ebay I realised I was channelling Iain Duncan Smith.”

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