Aldi ‘posh’ salmonella chocs ‘should rid store of bourgeois’

aldi aisle

“Clean up in aisle two. Another one’s got in.”

Aldi looks set to finally rid its car parks of Range Rovers, thanks to a range of french-sounding poisonous chocolates.

Choceur Malade, a high-end sweet filled with chunks and a thin green jus, is specifically targeted at ABC1s who spend too long reading wine labels.

“Our store is a ‘volks markt’, we sell burgers in tins, für Gott’s sake”, said store manager Helmut Braun. “We leave posh stuff piled up in the corners as ein trap for red-trousered fops.”

“Having a bourgeois pig sneering over your shoulder as you rummage through our compressed meat leavings can be off-putting. Hopefully these chocolates will encourage them to fokk off back to Waitrose.”

So far, no working class families have been affected, although a middle-manager from an estate agents is reported to be ‘looking a bit peaky’.

“I don’t think that’s Aldi’s fault”, the big tie-knotted oaf mouthed at us through the spittle-covered window of his Audi.

“I popped into M&S for a sandwich, and they’ve laced the cheap ones with rat poison.”

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