Tag Archives: trains

Passengers undermining us by wanting trains: complain rail bosses

Don’t even look at it. There’s nothing for you here.

In a sight that could provoke tears in a concrete statue of a stiff upper lip some of the most vulnerable people in Britain, rail company bosses, bravely spoke out about the trials they face.

“All we’re trying to do is make a huge profit while investing as much in maintenance and infrastructure as Boris Johnson would in a machine that could induce a state of contrition,” said Manfred Rudhart, CEO of Arriva.

“But our mission is undermined by passengers making ludicrous demands like a season ticket costing thousands of pounds resulting in access to a train they could get on every so often and use to go on a journey.” Continue reading

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“We hate you”: new train tickets to tell the truth about UK railways

train ticket

She’s got a ticket to ride but they don’t care

Train tickets have been redesigned to include a key detail omitted from previous versions – the truth.

“We don’t like our passengers. Not at all,” said Louis Cypher, Network Rail’s chief spokesperson. “We like having lots of money, the government giving us more and all the loot being divided between us and the shareholders of the various rail companies. We’re fed up of having to lie about it. If you’re stupid enough to pay our prices even if you have to stand most of the way every single day then we’re going to treat you with the contempt you so richly deserve.” Continue reading

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‘HS2 will jump over fallen trees’ Cameron claims


Following the ‘great breeze’ of 2013, the government has taken the opportunity to use the travel disruption to push forward some of the benefits of HS2, claiming the carriages of the high-speed trains will have the ability to jump over fallen trees.

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