Following the ‘great breeze’ of 2013, the government has taken the opportunity to use the travel disruption to push forward some of the benefits of HS2, claiming the carriages of the high-speed trains will have the ability to jump over fallen trees.
“Travel disruption between London and the north will be a thing of the past with HS2” Prime Minister David Cameron told reporters.
“The special super-duper magical suspension spring things on the new trains will allow them to clear trees that fall on the line, and help them avoid any damsels in distress that might have been tied to the track by Bob Crow”
Other reported features include a flame-thrower to melt snow, a claw to move broken down cars at level crossings, hovercraft abilities to float over flood water and a state-of-the-art leaf blower to remove the dreaded leaves on the line.
“Having such a weather proof and magical transport link in the UK can only bring a huge economic benefit to those villages built over when laying the tracks” Cameron continued.
“But just in case you are still not convinced, would it help if I told you it will throw out crisp twenty-pound notes along the route?”
Sounds like the bloody buffoon needs a straight jacket and a few years in the funny farm.