Tag Archives: HS2

HS3 will give northerners the opportunity of not finding work right across the north of England

The North. That way, isn't it?

The North. That way, isn’t it?

David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.

“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Election 2015, News, Politics, Transport

Job seekers ‘helped to work’ by being forced to volunteer to build HS2


After last night’s vote in favour of HS2, David Cameron has announced the whole project will cost a lot less than originally thought with plans to get jobseekers to build the entire project as part of the governments ‘help to work’ scheme.

“Those receiving benefits should no longer think they can keep getting something for nothing, unless of course that something for nothing is inheritance from an extremely wealthy relative,” Cameron told MPs.

“So those looking for, or unable to work can contribute to this major infrastructure project by being forced to volunteer on it.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Job seekers ‘helped to work’ by being forced to volunteer to build HS2

Filed under News, Politics

Commuters embrace ‘High Speed Footpath 2’


High Speed Foot Path ‘inconvenient’ claim local residents

Villagers are set to shave over 10 minutes off the journey time to Dunstable, thanks to investment in a new High Speed Footpath.

The footpath, which has taken nearly 25 years to build, has gaps in the security fences for pedestrians to join or leave at each end.

“You can stop in the middle if you want to, but you can’t actually get off”, explained Cllr Ron Ronsson. “That means HSFP2 frees up capacity on other more crowded footpaths. Those in the high street, for instance. particularly the bit outside Poundland. Why would you waste your time ambling around there, when you could be wooshing back and forth between Harold and Dunstable?”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Commuters embrace ‘High Speed Footpath 2’

Filed under Around Harold, Politics, Transport

Ley lines ‘way faster than HS2’ claims flying yogi

flyng yogi

I only smoked one spliff. It was this long.

Fresh doubts over the future of Britain’s High Speed rail network HS2 were raised today following a new ley line speed record set by flying yogi Danni Skodsborg from Scarborough.  Mr Skodsborg made the 500-mile round trip from the North East coastal town to the West Country resort of Ilfracombe and back in under an hour, using ‘nothing more than the power of thought’ to draw energy from the ancient ley line that connects the two towns.

News of the new record has led some to question whether the country should be investing in a new High Speed rail network when existing systems are shown to be faster, even if it does take a bit of ‘delving about in the dark arts’ to access them.

Continue reading


Filed under environment, Travel

‘HS2 will jump over fallen trees’ Cameron claims


Following the ‘great breeze’ of 2013, the government has taken the opportunity to use the travel disruption to push forward some of the benefits of HS2, claiming the carriages of the high-speed trains will have the ability to jump over fallen trees.

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News, Politics, Travel

Map reveals areas that will lose out from HS2


Red indicates an area that will be bled dry by the project.

Comments Off on Map reveals areas that will lose out from HS2

Filed under Politics, Travel

Villagers raise objections to ‘High Speed Bus 2’

High Speed Bus 2 'fucking stupid' claim residents

High Speed Bus 2 ‘fucking stupid’ claim residents

People in Harold have raised several objections to a high-speed bus route that will pass through the village.

‘High Speed Bus 2’ is intended to be a replacement for the original HSB, which was written off after supposedly sliding on discarded kebab meat. Remnants of that project can still be seen in a ditch just outside Harold, the coachwork heavily peppered with buck shot. Accident investigators are still divided on the incident.

“Harold doesn’t need a slightly faster bus service”, insisted Councillor Ron Ronsson. “Particularly as the bloody thing won’t even stop here.” Connecting the hamlet of Felching to the bus depot in Dunstable, Ronsson claims the case for a 3,000 horsepower bus is yet to be made.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Villagers raise objections to ‘High Speed Bus 2’

Filed under Around Harold, Business, science