HS3 will give northerners the opportunity of not finding work right across the north of England

The North. That way, isn’t it?

David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.

“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … northern industry.”

The Prime Minister outlined some benefits of the proposal. “There’s real money to be made at this stage. Appeals, enquiries, campaigns, legal challenges and so on. People have had entire careers and then retired on the back of HS2, without a shovelful of soil being dug. Is it a shovel? Or a spade? Either way, now we’re nearer to having to build the bloody thing, the problems will begin in earnest.”

Mr Cameron believes it’s now time to focus on something else which also won’t happen until after the next election. “Next May you say? Funnily enough our HS3 strategy document will be published in March. I wonder if we’ll have time to discuss the benefits to northerners in the run up to polling day.”

HS3 is much more than an opportunity for unemployed people to shuttle back and forth across the Pennines in search of The Job, says the Prime Minister “It’ll be so much easier for Liverpool United fans to travel across to meet their Newcastle Rovers chums at t’ Stadium of Light.”

Adding “‘New-cassel’ you see, not ‘New-car-sell’. Is there any way you can make it clear I know the difference?”