I only smoked one spliff. It was this long.
Fresh doubts over the future of Britain’s High Speed rail network HS2 were raised today following a new ley line speed record set by flying yogi Danni Skodsborg from Scarborough. Mr Skodsborg made the 500-mile round trip from the North East coastal town to the West Country resort of Ilfracombe and back in under an hour, using ‘nothing more than the power of thought’ to draw energy from the ancient ley line that connects the two towns.
News of the new record has led some to question whether the country should be investing in a new High Speed rail network when existing systems are shown to be faster, even if it does take a bit of ‘delving about in the dark arts’ to access them.
At PMQs, Shadow Secretary of State for Transport Mary Creagh accused the Government of failing to invest in ley line infrastructure. “Ley line flying shouldn’t be restricted to an elite few with an esoteric knowledge of magic, lore and aerodynamics, it should be available to everyone,” she told the Commons. “Why don’t they build some service areas in the sky and get some feng shui lighting up there?”
But Home Secretary Theresa May hit back. “We on this side think that anyone who travels at 500 miles an hour at low altitude across the countryside without a helmet or crotch protector is a danger to themselves and others and I have instructed local authorities to install CCTV cameras along the main ley line routes and watch the skies for these nuisance speeding yogis.”
Asked who was going to police the system, she said “I imagine it will be the Flying Squad.”
The commercial potential of Mr Skodsborg’s new record has not gone unnoticed. Virgin boss Sir Richard Branson said his company was already running a feasibility study into the idea of supplying ley line based travel services. “Personally, I’m not enamoured by the idea of flying down the M4 corridor cross-legged at high speed, getting bugs in my eyes and ruining my hairdo. On the other hand, I quite like the idea of charging for transport without having to put on a train or a plane. We’re looking into it.”
Amazon are also keeping a keen eye on developments in the flying yogi sector as they continue to explore various options for delivering goods to customers. “We tried drones, that didn’t work,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, “but we don’t think ley lines are the way to go. It would be a ley line lottery. But we do like the general idea of some form of metaphysical transport on the astral plane. Without giving too much away,” he confided, “we’re working on our own version with some Arabian boys who are a bit nifty on the old Magic Carpet.”
Market analysts say the trend towards more mystical forms of transport is helping economic growth, with increased sales of Persian-style rugs reported by carpet retailers over the last quarter. As one analyst put it, “They’re literally flying off the shelves.”
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Your article fails to take into account the principle reasons for building HS2. The project is primarily intended to make northern people more southern so that we can all speak Cockney.
Additional benefits of HS2 over ley line travel are that government will be able to recoup some of the mammoth cost, by selling advertising space on the sides of carriages and by producing a range of HS2 memorabilia. Already, the “I saw HS2 today” baseball cap, is generating significant pre-orders from trainspotting groups.
Although an expensive project, high speed rail will bring huge profits to lots of people that have worked tirelessly to influence British politics. It also hoped that motorists will choose the train rather than drive on potholed roads. Many potholes are now seen as part of our national heritage and local government authorities are now placing preservation orders on the finest examples, so that they may be enjoyed by future generations.
It is hoped that some of the cost of HS2 will be offset by the Chinese buying up the CPO properties and on this point talks are already underway. There are also plans to have drive-thru noodle bars along the route, where travellers can place their order on boarding and collect meals by a “hook and capture” system from the track-side, similar to that used historically on mail trains.
Sir Gladney Rollins
Minister for Trains