Theresa May announced yesterday that Britain is to take up to five hundred Syrian refugees but insisted that the government will retain the right to choose who it lets in. The Home Secretary acknowledged that whittling down the estimated 2.5 million refugees to just the five hundred deemed worthy of exposure to Chicken Cottage, Richard Littlejohn and The One Show will be tough and confirmed that the actual selection process will be undertaken by Simon Cowell and broadcast every Saturday and Sunday in ITV for the next six months.
“It’s going to be huge,” Cowell told journalists. “This time I’m not messing around I’ve got the very best judges joining me. We’ve got Halliwell, we’ve got Barlow and yes, we’ve got Katie Hopkins. If any of these refugees want to get into Britain then they are going to need to be very, very impressive. We’ll need to see them giving it at least a hundred and ten per cent.”
When asked why he should be the one who gets to decide which refugees can come to Britain Cowell replied: “It’s all about quality and I know what that is. Some people say I’m just a money-obsessed populist hell bent on eradicating music with soul, intelligence or passion. For them I have just three words – Robson & Jerome. You’re welcome.”
While talking up his new show Cowell did admit that there was one problem.
“My shows are presented in such a way that the more tragic a contestant’s back story the more likely they are to do well. Unfortunately thanks to Assad every refugee is a winner.”