Protesters call for ban on Chinese GM ‘super cows’

GM cows

Large, or really close? – GM Super Cows are ‘upsettingly big’ claim protesters

Huge, genetically modified cows that were created using rat genes have brought howls of protests at a local farm.

Standing at over three metres tall and weighing as much as five tonnes, each cow can produce around 180 litres of milk a day.

The mega cattle were initially conceived to get round EC milk quotas, which are based on the number of heads in a herd. But despite quotas being phased out the moo-sive cows are gaining popularity, this time as a simple show of farming might.

The cows were produced by China’s burgeoning biotech sector, combining genes from a regular Holstein-Friesian cow and a rat. “Rats have an amazing property: they never stop growing”, explained head of research at Deng Bio, Dr Wei Tsao. “By combining this trait with the highly productive Holstein, we have created an enormous cow with lucrative udders.”

Dr Tsao explained that the new ‘super milk’ is darker and smells a little sulphurous, an inevitable consequence of using rodent DNA. “But after blending it with regular milk these concerns are diminished”, said Tsao. “Many of you haven’t even noticed the difference in flavour, thicker texture, or the skin that forms on top.”

However, protesters have condemned the so-called ‘Frankenstein food’, calling for a ban on what they assortedly label ‘nosfaratu milk’, ‘ratty yoghurt’ or ‘bloater butter’.

“These aren’t cows, these are monsters”, complained campaigner Pippa Delaney. “They don’t behave like a big, friendly Daisy should. If you watch them closely, you can see that they have a tendency to scurry rather than stroll. And several of them have gnawed through the fence around my garden.”

The sheer scale of the beasts has caused some unexpected problems. The AA has been called to a number of small cars stranded in oversized cattle grids, while workers handling oversized teats have complained about feelings of inadequacy.

“Still, the benefits are clear”, claimed Harold farmer Phil Evans. “If nothing else, they keep the townies out of my fields.”

“It’s not that they’re fierce, although it’s true they have trampled the odd rambler. No, folks from London just find them really disorienting; they completely bugger up their sense of perspective.”

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