Tag Archives: rail

Passengers undermining us by wanting trains: complain rail bosses

Don’t even look at it. There’s nothing for you here.

In a sight that could provoke tears in a concrete statue of a stiff upper lip some of the most vulnerable people in Britain, rail company bosses, bravely spoke out about the trials they face.

“All we’re trying to do is make a huge profit while investing as much in maintenance and infrastructure as Boris Johnson would in a machine that could induce a state of contrition,” said Manfred Rudhart, CEO of Arriva.

“But our mission is undermined by passengers making ludicrous demands like a season ticket costing thousands of pounds resulting in access to a train they could get on every so often and use to go on a journey.” Continue reading

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Network Rail offers pre-emptive apology for disruption this autumn

"We're sorry if our apology seems insincere."

“We’re sorry if our apology seems insincere.”

In a move designed to scupper rail management critics, Network Rail operations boss Mark Carne has issued a full apology in advance of the unexpected disruptions to services this coming autumn.

“A sophisticated and coordinated attack on rail lines by foliage around November can be neither foreseen nor planned for, no matter how good your intelligence,” he said.

“I want to say a sincere and personal ‘sorry’ to all those commuters stuck in the middle of nowhere, who will have paid good money for the privilege.”

“I would also like to reassure our customers that we are doing all we can to prepare for the winter, but there is no climatologist alive can be expected to predict freak conditions causing snow on such an unprecedented scale. Again, I say I’m sorry.”
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Labour to re-nationalise buffet cars

Labour leader Ed Miliband has announced his plans to re-nationalise parts of the rail network’s buffet cars. In an attempt to bring some price controls into the market he has said any government run buffet cars would have a price cap on egg mayo sandwiches.

“We need to put to an end the unreliable service that sees passengers paying over the odds for a cup of scalding hot instant coffee that ends up of the train floor and the passenger’s lap,” Miliband said.

“We need to bring the standard of train food to the same level as other government run institutions such as the NHS and Schools, but it’s not all bad news.
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Rail Company says new night time suicide train will prevent daytime delays

The 01:45 to Oblivion

The 01:45 to Oblivion

Plagued by disruptive delays caused by frequent suicides, Network Rail has announced plans to run an after-hours railway service dedicated to the needs of those who wish to take their own lives by jumping under a train.

Already dubbed by railway workers as the Ghost Train, the new skeleton service will run at night once timetabled services have finished for the day. Operating companies are hoping that would-be suicides will take advantage of this initiative saving commuters of many hours of inconvenience whilst the emergency services attend to the consequence of a member of public choosing to terminate themselves at a busy railway station. Continue reading

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Map reveals areas that will lose out from HS2


Red indicates an area that will be bled dry by the project.

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Train companies to use 4.1% fare rise to create ‘bring your own seat’ carriages.


Passengers are advised to bring a spare hamock should floor space be at a premium

With the announcement that rail fares will rise by an average of 4.1% next year, train companies have unveiled how they will use the extra money to increase seating opportunities for customers during peak periods. Current rolling stock will be stripped out and tickets will now be sold on a ‘bring your own seat’ basis.

“We acknowledge that passengers tend not to like change, so we will keep the option to stand for a three hour journey” Great Western trains managing director, Tim Hopwood, explained. “We believe this will still be the most popular option following our trials on livestock, but for the most discerning customer they can bring their own seat.”

The news has led to people panic buying, leaving many motorway service areas without stock of their 2 for £10 camping chairs.

Passenger groups have said that although they are not happy with a 4.1% rise in fares being used to reduce the level of service they receive, they have said the changes are not as bad as they though they would be.

In a statement, one group said they had feared much worse after seeing prototypes for roller blades adapted to run on rails. However the train companies have said they were just testing out the idea, but the trials on the same livestock was less successful.

Controversially, these changes will see first class carriages also stripped bare, but as Mr Hopwood explained, this will cause far less of an issue.

“We found that those that have the sort of money that means they can upgrade from a private jet to a first class rail ticket are usually in the position to have staff carry they couch on board for them, or at the very least, they can sit on one of their civil servants.”

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